AIBU to feel unable to cope with caring for my autistic son?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I feel so burnt out. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to spend my afternoon being hit, pinched and shoved about by my 5 year old. I know it's frustration, I know it's not his fault. He's level 3 autistic, non verbal and his development is like that of a 12 month old. So I know it's not his fault but I don't want to do it anymore.
Yes I have contacted the GP and have an appointment in 7 weeks!!
School have suggested getting (or trying to get) a disability SW. We have agreed and are waiting for a social care review I think but it's just more stress.
Already having to go to tribunal about DS school place and not sure I can deal with SS too.
DS is only in school part time and is home by 1 and it's always been this way since reception. I don't want to do it anymore. My head hurts all the time, I cry every day.
I have spoken to DH who is worse than useless and just says well yeah he is hard work but you have to keep going. I don't want to. I constantly think about being hit by a car so I get a break. I even think about ending it all. I honestly think DS would be better off if I wasn't here.
Would it be really unreasonable to just leave? Just say the caring aspect is too much? Or am I right in thinking I'm just a shit mum and parents who have children with more severe needs than mine keep going and so should I?
I'll probably get flamed for this post. Stupid thing is I absolutely adore DS but I'm failing him and he deserves better.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP. You sound completely at burnout. Echoing other posters who have said you are a GOOD mum who has simply been pushed to her limit. Please tell social services how you are feeling. Nobody could cope indefinitely in these circumstances. 💐

Why? She just needs respite and is clearly struggling with depression from it all.
If she does something in this frame of mind she may well regret it
She hasnt had enough support or time to breathe yet

I'm so sorry OP. You aren't a bad mum at all you're just in a really difficult situation. It sounds like a lot of the problem is your husband, he needs to step up and do his fair share of parenting his child. Could you just pick a day each week when he's home and just take yourself off for the day, go and do anything you like,and leave your husband with your ds? It's completely unacceptable that he's leaving you to do all the parenting

Neither you, nor I, know what she needs, only OP does. You don't tell a suicidal mum what to do, just because of your ex-mil's experience.

Your son needs you more than anyone, so please don’t go anywhere. But you are completely justified to feel burnt out and fed up. That’s a lot to handle. You need help and it sounds like you’ve started the process so that’s great. Can you connect with other mum’s in a similar position? Solidarity on the tough days. You’re doing brilliantly and just need a bit of support.

Do you think she is currently in the right frame of.mind or circumstances to make that kind of decision.
Ex mil was also sucidal due to horrific incidents when she made that desicion. She should of instead been offered proper support

I'm not debating you. Effective support is non-judgemental and person-centered, not telling someone what to do.

Its not said from malice. The poor woman is at her wits end, she feels desperate and is at wits end.
If she had proper help, support, proper school provisions etc then she may feel a little different.
She is just floating alone at sea at the moment
What im saying perphaps not well put across as im not a therapist, is there is support out there without making rash decisions

Of course you aren't a shit mum
You are serving life sentence for a crime you didn't commit!
Nobody would choose this life and you would probably have done anything in the universe to avoid it
You have been dealt an absolutely shitty hand.

Now while that doesn't give you practical solutions, at least you can know that this isn't your doing, and that what you are feeling is totally normal.

I'm so sorry. I was wondering though why he is only in school part time. At 5 he is entitled to full time schooling. Is school just asking you to pick him up early and you felt unable to say no? I sympathise - i picked my daughter up at 12 every day in infant school because school asked me to and I was mortified by how difficult they found her. But actually it wasn't ok for them to do this. Get some support from IPSEA or SOS!SEN and get your afternoons back xx

You're not a shit mum. Though many mums of autistic kids - including me - have thought this about themselves. You're not alone.

First, if you're thinking of ending your life, this meets the level of an emergency GP appointment at least. Whatever the process for same day appointments is, follow that.

Second, when is your DH not working? You need to have time in that period to leave the house, be on your own, and rest. Not catch up on chores, or fill out paperwork, or plan the tribunal or all the other stuff.

You also do not have to accept a part time timetable for your DS. You could inform school tomorrow that he will be attending full time going forward (though I understand you may not want to).

Finally, are there support groups in your area? Could you try them, or try them again?

I'm thinking of you and your son. I hope you find some help.

Hi O.P- I'm a disabilities social worker-we are not scary- I am not anway and when I first meet families who are often at rock bottom the last thing I want to do is add more stress so although when we assess there will be meetings and visits etc most people will try and do this in a way that is supportive of you and not give you more stuff to do. Just a few things that I have thought of that might be helpful whilst your get started with them -have you got a local parent carers network? There should be one supported by your local council- they are worth joining as whilst they can't do short breaks for DS they can support you and advocate for your needs too. Also look at the local offer- He might be too high needs for some of it but there might be groups you can take him too where the other kids have similar needs and you can have a moment with other parents/having a cuppa//not just being on your own with him.- you can do both of these things without a social work assessment or whilst waiting for them to be done- It is also probably worth asking school or social worker about behaviour support from CAMHS- this depends on area as to how it is organised for kids who already have a diagnosis/significant level of need- as it isn't the same as main CAMHS the wait is usually not as awful- Positive Behaviour Support or PBS is what is done in our area. And as others say be honest with the social worker tell them everything you are feeling- they will not be shocked I promise you.

I think this is the best post I've ever read on MN

Haha your bar must be quite low. It's nothing special, I just say it as it is. I hate to think of the poor woman torturing herself over being in a situation I wouldn't inflict on a criminal. This isn't parenthood, it is a lifetime of drudgery, burnout and general shite. She has nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that.

And I fully agree with you.

The post is good because you say how it is without loads of irrelevant stuff

But thanks for the insult

Oh no insult at all - I mean you can't have read much good stuff on MN if you think my ramblings are the best (although tbh there isn't a lot of good is there)

I feel for the OP despite having no personal experience of this. It's crazy there seems to be such a lack of support for people with challenging children It's not reasonable to expect someone to be dealing with this day after day with no respite. If it was her husband punching her then everyone would tell her to leave but because it's her son it seems she's expected to just put up with him

I took some comfort from it.

Hold on a minute OP!!!
stop been so hard on urself

im a mum of 4, 2 with complex medical and Sen needs and it’s hard bloody work!!!! The burn out is soooo brutal and real

you are NOT alone

first of all your not a bad mum, your amazing and your fighting for your son- that in itself is draining then having to deal with his needs and the physical side you have to take of him ontop of normal life, it’s tough.

You grieve the life you thought it was going to be, you envy the mums who take their normal lives for granted and you doubt everything you do and think what if at every single thing… that’s just my thoughts today!!

you repeat it’s not his fault, we know that but it’s also not yours…it’s just shitty life. You’re both dealing with it and with very little help ontop of battles with schools and extra support. It isn’t okay and the 7 week wait isn’t okay either. Our system is so effing broken it’s so sad to see how many families and parents are struggling

you need a break too and he needs a school that will understand him, support him and get him the right education and setting for him to thrive.

my point is, I’m a Sen mum to and your not alone and we are in this together 🩷
sending you so much love and I hope you start to feel a little better soon xx

I don't think it's just frustration, it's maybe a problem with proprioception. He's looking for "heavy" signals that tell him where he ends and you begin. Weighted blankets help, as do punch bags and literal weights. You can even try literally lying on top of him when he's there and distressed. He might well be looking for literal physical signals, not just expressing frustration.

It's tough, we're in a similar place.

Sitting with heavy weights in your lap is heavenly for some autistic kids

You're wrong in thinking you're a shit mum. This is tough.

You are right, this is an awful situat ion to be in. But with the right support you can make it.

I'm primary carer for two high needs autistic teens (sole carer for one of them) who don't go to school and one of whom is nocturnal (so so am I) and can only rarely leave the house. It's really tough.

For me, online support groups have been a lifeline. Also, the thing for me that makes the biggest difference is keeping my iron levels up. As soon as they fall, I slip back into overwhelm and burnout. When I get back to taking my supplements again, I find I can manage everything about a million times better. Your GP should test your iron levels if you ask them.

The Iron Protocol for Iron Deficiency With or Without Anaemia Facebook group is a great place to find out more about that.

You need support, OP. 💐
Please also tell your GP you are not coping mentally.
Both you and your dh should join a support group and attend in-person or online separately. You both need to be able to speak freely and pursue self-care. Couples and individual counselling as well, in order to care for your relationship. It's a lot of work, but please get help all around. 💐🩷

https://www.autismcentral.nhs.uk/guidance/support-groups-families

I wasn't expecting so many responses. You've all been much kinder than I deserv.I feel so close to breaking. I'm not living, I'm surviving and surviving badly. School are aware that things are getting worse and are really pushing for a special needs placement which everyone knows he needs.
There is no support. We do have family but they are either elderly, disabled or have their own children and work. The one family member who is able to help has made it very clear they don't like DS so I don't have contact with them anymore.
I'm obviously still here but I just don't want to be.
DH is okay with DS but he's working and has started picking up overtime which means he's 2 hours later home. I don't feel like I can say no you can't do the OT (not that he asked if I was okay with being on my own for 2 plus extra hours on my own) because he obviously gets paid more. He does take DS out for an hour on the weekend or so but he gets a much longer break because on Friday I take DS to see my dad and we don't usually come back until 6 or so (unless DH does OT on Friday he'll be home by 3).
I don't have the confidence for groups or meeting other parents. It honestly feels like too much and I'm sure I'd be judged for being overweight and an older mum.
I get so upset seeing other children DSs age and knowing he'll never get to enjoy and experience things the way they do. Sometimes DS is really happy (he loves school) which is obviously important but I just feel like it's one step forward and ten back. Every year he seems to regress and I don't know how to help him.
I feel like I'm stuck in a situation that I can only see one way out of