AIBU to feel unable to cope with caring for my autistic son?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I feel so burnt out. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to spend my afternoon being hit, pinched and shoved about by my 5 year old. I know it's frustration, I know it's not his fault. He's level 3 autistic, non verbal and his development is like that of a 12 month old. So I know it's not his fault but I don't want to do it anymore.
Yes I have contacted the GP and have an appointment in 7 weeks!!
School have suggested getting (or trying to get) a disability SW. We have agreed and are waiting for a social care review I think but it's just more stress.
Already having to go to tribunal about DS school place and not sure I can deal with SS too.
DS is only in school part time and is home by 1 and it's always been this way since reception. I don't want to do it anymore. My head hurts all the time, I cry every day.
I have spoken to DH who is worse than useless and just says well yeah he is hard work but you have to keep going. I don't want to. I constantly think about being hit by a car so I get a break. I even think about ending it all. I honestly think DS would be better off if I wasn't here.
Would it be really unreasonable to just leave? Just say the caring aspect is too much? Or am I right in thinking I'm just a shit mum and parents who have children with more severe needs than mine keep going and so should I?
I'll probably get flamed for this post. Stupid thing is I absolutely adore DS but I'm failing him and he deserves better.

You are not failing him at all @Stressedoutmummyof3

Autism is a bastard, especially when their burnout comes with violent outbursts.

You need to be kinder to yourself.

What does your DH do to support when he is home from work? He needs to give you a break, tap you out so you get a break.

Didn’t want to read and run, realise how hard things must feel and you’ve got a really shitty end of the stick.
You recognise yourself that it’s burnout talking - time to listen to that.
It’s of vital importance (like, critical for you and your son) that you get some time off. You and DH need to tag team to allow each of you a proper break each week. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Ok, you’re not a shit mum, you’re just clearly dealing with a lot on your own by the sounds of it. Also you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts. Is there anyone you can talk too. Or reach out too for respite care. You can’t do this alone. Your DH needs to step up too. As much as your boy needs you, you also need you. Time to put yourself first and get some care for you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

This is so sad- I really feel for you - sadly I think your scenario is a common one - have you considered going on anti depressants? They can help by dulling the pain somewhat

I am sorry, I don't have anything helpful to suggest, but didn’t want to not respond. It is really really hard and support is very hard to come by. Try and take anything g you can get and do not worry about SS, make it clear he is a child in need, you are not coping, and need support. Look on your local councils local offer website to see what support is available. Does he have an EHCP?

I don’t think flaming you is going to help, you sound at breaking point and for that I truly feel for you. There is little to no support out there which is catastrophic for SEN parents. Anyway to expedite your GP appointment by ringing in at crisis point? Do you have any friends or family that can step in? Have you spoken to school?

You sound like you’ve completely burned out 💐

Yes to getting a SW and telling them everything.

Can DH do the afternoon stint, while you work?

If you are at risk of stepping in front of a car or chucking yourself off a bridge please present yourself to A&E immediately.

Please be really honest about not coping when speaking to all professionals, teachers, GP, SW, medics, any consultants. You're likely only to get help when obviously at rock bottom and in crisis.

Of course you're not a shit Mum, far from it. You're just burnt out and unsupported. You desperately need some help and respite, it's become too much for you to shoulder on your own.
Your DH needs to understand how deep your feelings are running at the moment and how low you are feeling. He needs to take over some of the responsibilities and strain while you are waiting for more GP and Social work input.

So sorry you're struggling so badly. Do you have the means to get some private support? This place helped my friend's son, they are remarkable by the sounds of it. If not, I wonder if there is anything else online that could help understand and support him in a way that reduces the behaviours. I am sure you've tried lots already.

www.therapyspacebristol.co.uk

Not many people will say this to you, but you can give yourself permission to walk away. Some Mums do leave, and the family finds a way x

You are not a shit mum.

Caring for autistic children is HARD.

Are you in the UK? (the fact that you have put 'level 3 autism' makes me wonder as I didn't think they gave out levels here).

If you are in the UK, have you been on touch with the school nursing service on your area? Basically I've found that you have to shout from the rafters to anyone that will listen that you aren't ok.

i feel for you . Not everyone is cut out to be a carer especially with no end in site .

Parenting is hard even with a NT child, so recognise that you have it harder than most and that there should be no guilt in not liking it.

A friend of mine once told me, God gives us what he knows we can handle. So you can do this OP but gather as much support from your DH as you can and get as many breaks as you can. Keep fighting for the help too. Your son is lucky to have you in his corner whether he can show you this or not. Keep loving him and cuddling him. You’re his world.

You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. You need designed alone/respite time each week- your husband will need to facilitate this. Is there are local charity group that runs holiday clubs for children and parent support groups?

God. ?????
Why bring religion into this. There is no god
The poster is saying she can't handle it.

Social services will really help. Please dont give him up. My exs mum did this as he has severe adhd and she had a horrific chain of events around the time. She realkt regretted irt.
You are in burn out. You need a respjte. Sending you love

This is a really unfair thing to say to someone.

you are the best mum he can have, and you can still take a break.

don't be afraid to cry and make a fuss in front of the doctor / teacher / social worker. if you pretend to be strong they will assume you can cope, so let your emotion come out and show that you need more support.

at the weekend, when DH is home, what would happen if you tell DH that you really can't manage. Then walk out and check yourself into a hotel for the night? Let DH do the parenting and get yourself a hot bath and a good rest. then when you come back the next day, you will be stronger and DH will have learnt a bit.

As a mum to a teenage autistic adhd child who is now bigger than me, and has angry outbursts where we have called the police to intervene, I can empathise with your struggles - although our children’s needs are quite different. We absolutely had to reach rock bottom before we have help, I reported to everyone, GP, Camhs, daily phone calls to SS, and the council every week to implement an alternative provision and provide support. I raised my own safeguarding and encouraged other professionals to also. Utterly exhausting, I got to the point where I requested my son was fostered as I honestly could not cope. The support is shit unless you are at crisis point. The most helpful person was a family practitioner who is not a social worker but can help coordinate and access services. Have you had contact with them?

Just want to add my support. Don't ever feel guilty. Keep venting on here if it helps.

Social services can be great - make sure you request the disability team if there is one locally. They can provide respite options. Not necessarily overnight but options like carers coming in to give you a break, or disability clubs.

Are there any carer groups you could get involved with? Sometimes just having someone to chat to who understands makes it so much easier.

Your oh doesnt sound very sympathetic and I wonder if he's being proactive in making sure you both get breaks?

I totally agree. Your life is important, OP. You don’t deserve to be a punchbag. If the child’s father can’t share more of the load then save yourself. I for one would not judge you.

Just to add you are not failing - you are posting because you love your son but cannot cope and quite rightly need support and sadly you have to fight for every ounce of that. Feel free to PM me x

You're friend is a condescending moron. If that sentiment were true we wouldn't see women committing suicide, families committing murder auicideea etce tc.

You can walk away op, but it's likely you don't have to.

You need a break, a real proper break. If you're a sahp get your husband to book a weeks annual leave, book a few nights of that time away, even in a local hotel. It's his turn to deal with everything day and night while you recover. Take that time to think of ways to have a break that are more sustainable and speak to your husband about stepping up.

Make it clear to him that if he doesn't he'll have at best a divorce on his hands.