AIBU to want boundaries around my partner’s constant voluntary work/charity calls at night, weekends and during family appointments?

[Quietpeace82]

I'm not sure quite what Im asking as in my head it feels very complicated but id really appreciate some opinions.

I know it sounds unreasonable and im expecting some harsh replies / get over yourself type thing.

So (deep breath as a bit scared)
I had never been someone who hankering after marriage and babies..but married a slightly older man some years ago and I am now mum to three utterly Amazing(almost adult) children.
Their dad turned out to be an abusive alcoholic with fingers and other body parts in many pies (both metaphorically and otherwise) He drank away our money and generally acted in a Selfish entitled way. Horrible experience.
I was over men and after divorce did my own thing for many years (mostly working and sleeping tbh to support the kids) I paid for several years of therapy just to heal my head.

I did end up meeting someone else.i really appreciated his communication, very straight forward...easy to chat to and he seemed kind, moral and thoughtful. Nothing was too much trouble and I found his company easy and we were genuinely so compatible.

I did get s few alarm bells about 18months in...he works as a full time volunteer for a national charity. Im very proud of his dedication. His role is mostly staffing as well as collating service info. He does not have face to face contact with anyone in crisis.

He can be a bit hoity when it comes to people's rank within an organisation. This used to make me smile as It's almsot a bit of a cult and volunteers do seem to lose their senses a bit when an area manager is visiting for instance!
My partner clearly feels important and enjoys his position. I understood this when we met but soemthing ramped up last year and this is like an obsession.

ive worked in a professional environment all of my life so perhaps dont have that sense of feeling that others are really elevated? I dont have the sense of awe...I found the reactions quite endearing but other stuff started to make me feel a bit weird.

it didnt take long to learn all the names of the other volunteers, their families names and often what training courses they are on and whats happening and when...this was due to the repetition of hearing it all.
i dont sound it but I am actually incredibly proud of the work he does and he does need something to occupy him! So ive said nothing and always show interest etc etc. He has a very active mind and as retired does need activity of course.

Id noted that All of the volunteers have access to my partner via phone or email 24/7 (but as I have mentioned to my partner it doesnt always need answering immediately!!) we could all do that couldn't we and be answering working emails 24/7! Being a volunteer they dont
have the same boundaries as a work place and everyone is used to him picking the phone up on a sat night at 10pm and getting a response or texting him over holidays etx.

I know it's his passion...but it's started to infiltrate my life.
Five years in it isn't going to change but I also work full time for a crisis centre (paid) and when I come home often my heart and head are frankly battered. By the time ive put shopping away or sorted and made dinner its 8.o clock or later. Randomly throughout the evening he gets calls and texts and jumps on it straight away. Or just starts talking about it when im trying to sort my own head out.

It has started to offend me a little and then over time it's making me feel anxious about him being home when I am.
I have brought it up to him a few times including almsot in tears after he cut me dead whilst talking as his text pinged. It's like im.not excit8ng enough for him.

I am quite a lot younger actually and have started to get some attention at work.
Id not usually notice I guess, and certainly adore my partner and woudknt stray...but I'm starting to see how and why people do! Forgive me... I'm overwhelmed at work and now at home.
Ive started stopping at the supermarket on my own just to get some peace...

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me as I am pleased to read the news but with work being often impactful & with loss of life etc..I need time inbetween with calm and a little bit of predictable quiet. I don't know if i sound boring but I dont appreciate too much drama into my night especially when I know that as soon as I get to work, it's hard emotional focus.

We recently bought a house together and this is when I noticed things even more. He took a call from the charity while we signed the paperwork and after when we went for lunch..he stood outside the pub for 40minutes discussing staffing with the MD. (Incidentlely this is a paid manager who could have been advised rhat we were busy for an hour)

We were choosing flooring and as we were handing our selection to the site office i felt him lose interest and looked over to see him emailing on his phone.
The last straw was me telling him about a hosp appt and his eyes flicked to his phone that was on the car dashboard....I could see it was work from the text..and he didnt hesitate in picking it up!

I have been commenting and the other day told him it was a bit hurtful but he won't have it. He says i keep "giving him a dressing down".
Im startled.
Im startled that he cant put a little boundary in now and then and honeslty im not sure I want to compete for peace with a national charity that seems to suck his patience and energy dry.

Its definitely not another woman. Im not concerned about that as he often takes the calls in ear shot or the texts flag up in the car. I do find it a bit unprofessional and I find it also intrusive on speaker phone! It leaves a bad energy in the air and tbh Im finding the lack of boundaries and understanding that this is making me feel uncomfortable at times...really difficult.

He has also (since buying the house) let on that a week a month he will be staying at his other house as it's nearer to work when he is on duty. This wasnt discussed with me and honestly really hurt.
Its made me feel like the home we were creating is now a B&B
I know it's childish but what I signed up for a few years ago was a kind, thoughtful man that listened and made me laugh...then gradually what I feel like i have is a distracted teen ( he is 68 btw) that is addicted to his phone, office politics and social media drama.
I've been so hurt with how he has acted regarding the house and if I could I think id back out of it but we move next week.

How do I reasonably ask for and find some quiet space that's predictable without drama.
Id wondered about getting some headphones and using them around the house especially if he isnt going to listen to my need for a little time out.

Id like to highlight that ive brought this on myslef by showing interest but I felt thst this was what a nice partner did and I knew it was important to him so haveny disuaded it throughout the relationship, but it ramped right up last year to almost obsession levels.

ive said "oh, sorry darling its a bit late for me all of this..can we chat it over in the morning?"
Or "oh, sorry its sunday morning and I haven't had a cuppa yet!"
Or " ive not long been back from work could I just finish the jobs first?"
Or even me sitting with him listening first then excusing self after 30 mins doesnt seem to work. Nothing works.
If someone said to me that after 9pm needs a little quiet or if I was doing something unthoughtful that was impacting my partner, id be mortified and would want to compromise and put it right.
Am I being difficult?
Help😂

This is not for you - or tbh most normal humans .. after 16 years on MN you get my first LTB !!

Was he divorced when you met him? Because I would bet money that he was.

OP, this sounds horrible I'm ngl. He has absolutely no time for you at all. Buying a house together and choosing the decor should be exciting! Yet, he would rather respond to work emails, again? Very sad indeed.

I also notice that you tend to blame yourself a lot, saying you brought it on yourself and feeling bad for getting a shred of attention at work. I believe this is because you were in an abusive relationship previously - but, you're feelings ARE valid.

He should be wanting to spend time with you, showing romantic gestures, showing an interest in your day, life, etc. It's just all very him him him.

You also shouldn't have to find a quiet space to get away from him all the time, this is where it all starts.

If he is not going to be reasoned with and compromise on the fact he needs to actually work for a relationship if he wants to keep it, then separation is inevitable. It feels as if he thinks he has got you now, and you're just going to stay there for him to natter to about his unpaid job. No thanks.

Know your worth OP. Take action. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this.

No, you are not being difficult but he is not a person you or your kids should live with. You might see him as caring and empathetic towards others but he is actually entirely self-absorbed. It’s a blessing that he will stay elsewhere one week a month, and it won’t be long before you wish that week could be two etc. I would get absolutely nothing out of living with a man like him. He’s not interested in you, most likely not in your kids either, so you can never be a functional family in that sense.

Op I hate to say it and this is obviously coming from my own experiences, but he actually reminds me a lot of my ex. Always doing way more than needed for a charity and positioning himself as indispensable to their service. Turned out he was involved with indecent images of minors online and it was all about trying to present himself as credible and safe to over compensate and make sure he hasn't suspicious. I have also known people working in admin roles in other charities who have done similar but been stealing from the charity by siphoning money. I'm not saying that's what this is, but it was immediately where my mind went to as his behaviour is not normal. Plus the culture in most organisations would work against that as most charities promote good work life balance.

Reading your posts it sounds like he's either significantly over compensating for something, or it's like trauma porn and he's enjoying the drama of others pain and fear.

You say he's really compassionate but I'd actually query that because he's showing no compassion to you at all. So it's making me wonder if he is actually compassionate, or if he's just really good at acting compassionate when it benefits him?

Saviour complex. That's what he's got.

Pity you've just bought the house. Has the sale completed? If not you've got a window to pull out.

Would it be possible to buy your new home by yourself, and leave him to live in his existing house? Not sure if that would be financially viable to arrange, but he doesn't sound like someone I would be wanting to buy a home with.

OP, I volunteer for a national charity that supports people in crisis. There is no way any of us would be contacting other volunteers, or our branch or regional director in this way. We all have firm boundaries and respect the fact that our life outside of volunteering has to be the priority. He needs to put boundaries in place like this with his colleagues.

I'm really shocked with the replies..honestly I am.
I'd rather try and talk to him again but not sure how to explain to him that im not saying "don't ever reply" but, im asking for a little bit of time without the worry of drama being added to the night / times where we are doing the odd nice thing.
We had a few words on Sunday about it which is where the comments about him being given a dressing down and then some sulking came in.
His reaction actually annoyed me too as it was suoer sulky like id taken a toy off him.
Oh dear.

He likes to feel important in a nutshell. He won’t change and loves the dopamine hits. You are not compatible

This. His overly empathetic demeanour is anything but. He’s an emotional vampire - his involvement in other people’s drama inflates his sense of self importance, and his ‘selflessness’ (being available 24/7 etc) does the same; he loves stoking that notion that he’s essential and indispensable and at the hub of all the decision-making.

I have a fair bit of experience in the voluntary sector, and can confirm it’s a bloody magnet for this type of person, particularly a certain breed of older man. I’ve worked with several who were also Masons, and the reverence and deference on display towards those they perceived as Very Important People was quite astonishing - they came over all Baldrick ‘I’m but a worthless peasant’ when local Masonic higher-ups visited their ‘chapter’ to bless them with rolled up trouser legs and funny handshakes. Same within our own organisation. It was truly strange.

But yeah, that’s his life’s core and purpose at this point, OP. It’s good that he has a vocation, and thank god for the people who do throw themselves into this kind of work, but there’s no room in their lives for genuine personal relationships, so unless you’re happy to take a back seat and always come second, this set up probably isn’t for you.

I’m sorry OP but he sounds pathetic to be honest. I also find it interesting that you felt the need to extol his virtues quite so much in your OP-why do you feel the need to do that? Why do you feel like you have to be proud of him? That you have to be so involved in his bit of volunteering? That’s all it is. I really don’t get it. Is he as proud of you for your actual job? Your achievements? Does he talk about all the wonderful things you do?

If you guys really love each other than get some couples therapy before making any big decision's

Sorry but you've rambled on for 18 pages..... front and back!!!!!

He sounds insufferable tbh. He is way too invested in his charity work. Its good that he cares so much but you seem to be a casualty of his "caring nature". Take his phone, switch it off and make him listen. If he cant wven do that he needs to be shown the door

Former volunteer manager for a medium sized third sector organisation here: if one of my volunteers was behaving in this way, I’d be having a conniption fit (and probably getting the sack).

Obviously, it should not be happening, and I’d be seriously concerned about the organisation’s policies and practices around volunteer support.

since you think he’s worth persevering with, can you find out who in the organisation is responsible for volunteer management, and suggest he has a chat with them
about protocols, boundaries and reducing the demands on his time. I think his reaction will be informative…

You said he ‘works as a full time volunteer’ I’m wondering why he has no earned income and how he was able to jointly buy the house in that case? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood. As someone who also works for a crisis charity I can’t comprehend why the organisation is not monitoring his hours and imposing boundaries? This seems ego driven which makes me uncomfortable.

Saviour complex. At its heart is an incredibly insecure little man who needs to feel indispensable and vitally important in order to feel good about himself. You’re not enough I’m afraid.

As PPS have suggested, he’s an Emotional Vampire. I used to work in a charity, Regional. Manager. And met many like him. Mostly men, funnily enough.

I think they do enjoy the drama and how important they are, or think they are. They used to call in my work phone or WhatsApp in the evening with an emergency. I never answered as it was never important at all, so they gave up and used office hours.

They were great volunteers, don’t get me wrong, charities couldn’t run without people like these, but my word could never live with one.

what is the age difference OP? And what did he do before he retired?

Reading your posts it sounds like he's either significantly over compensating for something, or it's like trauma porn and he's enjoying the drama of others pain and fear.
You say he's really compassionate but I'd actually query that because he's showing no compassion to you at all. So it's making me wonder if he is actually compassionate, or if he's just really good at acting compassionate when it benefits him?

This is what I thought too.

He's addicted to feeling important - even though in the grand scheme of things he isn't. His normal day to day life with you doesn't feed that need to be the centre of everything. He replies instantly because he's worried if he doesn't people will realise he's not indispensable. He's compensating for something, I don't know what it is.

People in certain jobs are forced to take 2 or 3 weeks consecutive leave on an annual basis because organisations know if someone is covering up wrongdoing then it's likely to fall apart in their absence.

This is what this situation reminds me of. Poor safeguarding and compliance.

Honestly @Quietpeace82 this is not the right person for you. Get out while you can. He has no boundaries! It’s him, not you.

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me as I am pleased to read the news but with work being often impactful & with loss of life etc..I need time inbetween with calm and a little bit of predictable quiet

He doesn’t sound compassionate at all, he sounds like a ghoul. I would not want to listen to these sorts of stories. I would not want to buy a house with him and if there’s a way out I would find it.

I'm a volunteer and trustee for a charity working in an emotionally difficult area. Our CEO sets very clear boundaries for staff and volunteers. Office hours are office hours and staff are not to answer their work phones or emails outside those times. Volunteers are also constantly reminded about keeping their boundaries and 'switching off'.

Someone within the organisation should have picked up on his behaviour. Something is very wrong here. Volunteering full time is very unusual, and 24/7 is inherently bad for anyone, even if they're on a good salary, and he's not.

It's really unfortunate that you've bought a house together. I'd be telling you that you should run from this man. You will always come second.

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me

It's not a lovely trait. He's a ghoul/grief vampire/whatever. He loves the drama and feeds off others distress. I know someone like this and it's horrible. I go out of my way to avoid them because it sickens me the way they get excited over someone else's tragedy.

I also think op you are working full time in a crisis centre... having done that type of work myself I know how intense it can be. If you can deal with significant crisis and be able to turn your phone off when you need to then someone in pretty much an unpaid admin role definitely can. Why does he seem to think his contributions are so much more important than yours?

If the house sale isn't complete, pull out, take the hit on legal etc. It will be the best thing you ever do.

If it has closed, there's probsbly and underbidder there who would love it - check it out.

He's 68 - he's not for changing. Deeply insecure with a saviour complex to make himself feel good about himself. Wanting to be respected and admired by others.

His ego is more important to him than you are.

Also are you 44 to his 68? You've so many better opportunities than this.