AIBU to want boundaries around my partner’s constant voluntary work/charity calls at night, weekends and during family appointments?

[Quietpeace82]

I'm not sure quite what Im asking as in my head it feels very complicated but id really appreciate some opinions.

I know it sounds unreasonable and im expecting some harsh replies / get over yourself type thing.

So (deep breath as a bit scared)
I had never been someone who hankering after marriage and babies..but married a slightly older man some years ago and I am now mum to three utterly Amazing(almost adult) children.
Their dad turned out to be an abusive alcoholic with fingers and other body parts in many pies (both metaphorically and otherwise) He drank away our money and generally acted in a Selfish entitled way. Horrible experience.
I was over men and after divorce did my own thing for many years (mostly working and sleeping tbh to support the kids) I paid for several years of therapy just to heal my head.

I did end up meeting someone else.i really appreciated his communication, very straight forward...easy to chat to and he seemed kind, moral and thoughtful. Nothing was too much trouble and I found his company easy and we were genuinely so compatible.

I did get s few alarm bells about 18months in...he works as a full time volunteer for a national charity. Im very proud of his dedication. His role is mostly staffing as well as collating service info. He does not have face to face contact with anyone in crisis.

He can be a bit hoity when it comes to people's rank within an organisation. This used to make me smile as It's almsot a bit of a cult and volunteers do seem to lose their senses a bit when an area manager is visiting for instance!
My partner clearly feels important and enjoys his position. I understood this when we met but soemthing ramped up last year and this is like an obsession.

ive worked in a professional environment all of my life so perhaps dont have that sense of feeling that others are really elevated? I dont have the sense of awe...I found the reactions quite endearing but other stuff started to make me feel a bit weird.

it didnt take long to learn all the names of the other volunteers, their families names and often what training courses they are on and whats happening and when...this was due to the repetition of hearing it all.
i dont sound it but I am actually incredibly proud of the work he does and he does need something to occupy him! So ive said nothing and always show interest etc etc. He has a very active mind and as retired does need activity of course.

Id noted that All of the volunteers have access to my partner via phone or email 24/7 (but as I have mentioned to my partner it doesnt always need answering immediately!!) we could all do that couldn't we and be answering working emails 24/7! Being a volunteer they dont
have the same boundaries as a work place and everyone is used to him picking the phone up on a sat night at 10pm and getting a response or texting him over holidays etx.

I know it's his passion...but it's started to infiltrate my life.
Five years in it isn't going to change but I also work full time for a crisis centre (paid) and when I come home often my heart and head are frankly battered. By the time ive put shopping away or sorted and made dinner its 8.o clock or later. Randomly throughout the evening he gets calls and texts and jumps on it straight away. Or just starts talking about it when im trying to sort my own head out.

It has started to offend me a little and then over time it's making me feel anxious about him being home when I am.
I have brought it up to him a few times including almsot in tears after he cut me dead whilst talking as his text pinged. It's like im.not excit8ng enough for him.

I am quite a lot younger actually and have started to get some attention at work.
Id not usually notice I guess, and certainly adore my partner and woudknt stray...but I'm starting to see how and why people do! Forgive me... I'm overwhelmed at work and now at home.
Ive started stopping at the supermarket on my own just to get some peace...

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me as I am pleased to read the news but with work being often impactful & with loss of life etc..I need time inbetween with calm and a little bit of predictable quiet. I don't know if i sound boring but I dont appreciate too much drama into my night especially when I know that as soon as I get to work, it's hard emotional focus.

We recently bought a house together and this is when I noticed things even more. He took a call from the charity while we signed the paperwork and after when we went for lunch..he stood outside the pub for 40minutes discussing staffing with the MD. (Incidentlely this is a paid manager who could have been advised rhat we were busy for an hour)

We were choosing flooring and as we were handing our selection to the site office i felt him lose interest and looked over to see him emailing on his phone.
The last straw was me telling him about a hosp appt and his eyes flicked to his phone that was on the car dashboard....I could see it was work from the text..and he didnt hesitate in picking it up!

I have been commenting and the other day told him it was a bit hurtful but he won't have it. He says i keep "giving him a dressing down".
Im startled.
Im startled that he cant put a little boundary in now and then and honeslty im not sure I want to compete for peace with a national charity that seems to suck his patience and energy dry.

Its definitely not another woman. Im not concerned about that as he often takes the calls in ear shot or the texts flag up in the car. I do find it a bit unprofessional and I find it also intrusive on speaker phone! It leaves a bad energy in the air and tbh Im finding the lack of boundaries and understanding that this is making me feel uncomfortable at times...really difficult.

He has also (since buying the house) let on that a week a month he will be staying at his other house as it's nearer to work when he is on duty. This wasnt discussed with me and honestly really hurt.
Its made me feel like the home we were creating is now a B&B
I know it's childish but what I signed up for a few years ago was a kind, thoughtful man that listened and made me laugh...then gradually what I feel like i have is a distracted teen ( he is 68 btw) that is addicted to his phone, office politics and social media drama.
I've been so hurt with how he has acted regarding the house and if I could I think id back out of it but we move next week.

How do I reasonably ask for and find some quiet space that's predictable without drama.
Id wondered about getting some headphones and using them around the house especially if he isnt going to listen to my need for a little time out.

Id like to highlight that ive brought this on myslef by showing interest but I felt thst this was what a nice partner did and I knew it was important to him so haveny disuaded it throughout the relationship, but it ramped right up last year to almost obsession levels.

ive said "oh, sorry darling its a bit late for me all of this..can we chat it over in the morning?"
Or "oh, sorry its sunday morning and I haven't had a cuppa yet!"
Or " ive not long been back from work could I just finish the jobs first?"
Or even me sitting with him listening first then excusing self after 30 mins doesnt seem to work. Nothing works.
If someone said to me that after 9pm needs a little quiet or if I was doing something unthoughtful that was impacting my partner, id be mortified and would want to compromise and put it right.
Am I being difficult?
Help😂

All of this. I don't know how you've put up with this for years. At this point, would he even notice if you left?

He sounds like a bit of a weirdo and he’s definitely overcompensating for something with all the charity work… maybe I’m a bitch but that’s what it sounds like. You write like you’re second guessing yourself, but come on you know this isn’t right.

You are taking refuge in a supermarket for a break. This is not a supportive relationship, it's a one-way street. He is on an ego trip.

It's not too late to back out. If it hasn't completed it could be the best thing you ever do. It doesn't mean you have to end it but you aren't happy with the arrangement and it will be a lot harder to get out of it after moving in. A financial hit on legal fees is worth your happiness if it's still possible.

I said YABU because you have just bought a house with him 🤨

The fact you stop at the supermarket for some peace is absolutely awful. You don’t exist to be his audience for the drama he so obviously revels in. Nothing about what he’s doing is compassionate. He’s a grief thief with no boundaries and I think it’s really disturbing .

Given there is an age difference there is a real possibility you could end up as his full time carer.

What do your children think about him?

The house is not yet your home. You have yet to make it a home.

I know it’s so very tempting to move into this house you have searched for and want to make a home. I wouldn’t be surprised if you liked the house more than him.
don’t complete on the sale as you will be trapped with him. Him dropping on you so late in the process that he needs a week at his home to facilitate his charity work is reason enough to back out of the sale .

and honestly after reading some of these replies is this week alone for something else he may be involved in…not another woman but something else secretive or shady?

We recently bought a house together and this is when I noticed things even more. He took a call from the charity while we signed the paperwork

I think it's too late to back out of the sale. It sounds as though it's a done deal. Which is really bad news.

It's a bit late now but I always say have a relationship without living together, meet up for dates once a week, if he starts answering phone and emails get up and go home.

Is there any way you can extricate yourself from this house sale or is it a done deal now?

He sounds pompous and a trauma vampire to be honest, and you, like the other volunteers he deals with, are just there to be an admiring audience for his saviour complex. You're already fed up with it.

@Quietpeace82 PPs are asking if the house sale has completed. It doesn't matter. Don't fall in to the sunken costs fallacy. You need to extricate yourself from this relationship regardless.

Does this fit?

“A communal narcissist is someone who seeks validation and admiration not through traditional means—like wealth or physical appearance—but by portraying themselves as highly altruistic, caring, and devoted to helping others. They use charity, community work, or social causes to feed their ego.”

Your words really resonated with me. I am just in the process of divorcing a man who I believe to be a communal narcissist. I don’t like labelling people but it’s helped to recognise patterns in his behaviour and understand why he did the things he did.

My ex sounds very much like your partner (but was abusive too). He would give you the shirt off his back, but then also give you mine and our DC’s, leaving us cold. The world got best version of him, we got the left overs.

You have very reasonably and kindly gone to him with something that causes you pain and upset and he’s turned it in you - blaming you for giving him a ‘dressing down’ and then he’s sulking.

A normal adult response would be to listen, try and understand, apologise for hurt caused and then either make a change or state clearly and calmly why you can’t.

He is putting the world’s wellbeing before yours. You need to put yours first.

I know this is a post about the problems in your relationship, but it’s hard to see what the good bits could be with you coming second 24/7 to his vocation. That’s what it sounds like, that his voluntary role is his calling and the number one priority to him rather than something he does to occupy him.

I am curious about the circumstances, especially given the house purchase together and his owning another property he plans to stay in. Is he retired from a big important job where he also used to work like this, and therefore lost work/life balance some time ago? Is he independently wealthy and has been living a different sort of life to most people for some time?

This is more curiosity than something that will help you though. He isn’t going to change the thing that gives his life meaning and purpose, so I don’t think you are a good fit. You may find some of it sweet now, but as it continues to impact on your life I think you will lose more and more respect for his self-appointed importance and fully get the ick anyway.

You need to move on. Sorry.

He sounds self absorbed and self important. I guess it's easier than facing the fact that he's getting on and life is short..The question is whether this is the life you want to live.

I absolutely agree with PP, OP.

And...lightbulb moment for me, I had never heard of a 'communal narcissist' and always struggled to describe one of my exes, but this description is him to a T. My goodness, the things you learn on MN.

You've adored and admired him all this time - because he appears at least to be the opposite of a selfish grifter, and he's not a drunk. Unfortunately you haven't noticed what an absolute self-centred, self-important bore he is.

I'm sure he's lovely to you as long as you are part of the admiring audience. But you found out when you challenged him, what he's like when the admiration is withdrawn.

This is a horrible thing to discover but from the outside his behaviour (and his relationship with this charity) screams disfunctional in some way. I am guessing he is continuing this pattern from a pre-retirement role where he was very senior and engaged in perhaps quite a small or stressy or poorly-structured organisation (NHS? or his own business perhaps?) and he is still craving that 'tension- drama-fixed it- go me! ' cycle on a loop.

I would worry about what happens when he finally hasn't the energy to do this to the charity's satisfaction. I can imagine him spending all his life on Facebook, saving the neighbourhood single handedly from traffic calming or similar

Im so sorry OP, but you really have not painted a portrait of a loving, lovable man here 😢

..and it's just dawned on me that sadly, this man is probably another addict. Genuinely . He gets anxious if you try to cut him off from hi (oh so respectable) supply.

I would try and look at things more logically op. The first half of your long post (history with ex, knowing colleagues’ names etc) is completely irrelevant.

He is working too much and it doesn’t feel like he understands what is needed to be in a partnership.

I also don’t understand how this works financially if he doesn’t earn any money. Has he been able to take early retirement?

I'm pretty sure it's not compassion which makes him follow terrible accidents- he is addicted, and like all addiction it's not healthy.
He has no room in his life for you or normal family life- he needs help, masking an addiction as caring is very concerning- you need counselling asap.

He sounds a good person but you don’t sound compatible as you have such different expectations.

he sounds like he has a saviour complex. swooping in to save the day and having people see that he's a hero. being seen and told he is the go-to man and the person that keeps the show on the road. each new person or crisis is a new chance to show everyone how they couldn't do it without him. he needs the clapping and the kudos. it feeds his ego and makes him feel needed and important.

he'll react poorly to anyone saying different. which is why he shuts you down every time you try and talk to him because you aren't giving him the admiration that he wants. you came out of an abusive relationship. even though you'd had therapy it was still a chance for him to show off what a good person he was and help what he saw as a wounded person. but now you have seen the real him and the reality which is that he will pick being needed as the hero over and above being a present partner to you. and the more you push to try and get him to deal with this the more he will shut you down and retreat to his happy place which is being the 24-7 hero elsewhere.

Yeah, this is not a ‘nice’ guy. This is a self-obsessed narcissist. He NEEDS to be needed. It gives him control.
Honestly, I’d be backing out of that house move, or buying the house alone and asking him to stay where he is.
He doesn’t value you. Doesn’t recognise your needs. Doesn’t care if you are happy or sad. It’s all about him.

Poor you. I hope you are able to navigate this without too much disruption or financial strain. Good luck! xx

Sounds like my ex, although he was a lot younger.
He did lots of voluntary work of different kinds, was available 24/7 for people from any of his charity groups who needed something or wanted to ask a question.
Everyone loved him in the local community because he was so "selfless" and did so much for others. Blah blah.

Actually he had a desperate need for recognition and attention because his parents didn't want him and treated him like shit.

Unfortunately at home he treated me like shit. I had to take 10th place to everything else going on in his life. He would also pick up the phone as soon as it rang, even mid-sentence or during a serious discussion. He wouldn't put it on silent at night so notifications were constantly coming in. He slept through most of that anyway. Whenever I tried to discuss anything he'd call me selfish and blame me for whatever he could think of at the time.

He's an ex.
Yours also needs to be an ex. You can't live like this and I've quoted a bit of your OP which really shows that you need to end it:

It has started to offend me a little and then over time it's making me feel anxious about him being home when I am.

Well he sounds really rather tedious to be frank! From what I gather you go for older men, the first was abusive and a cheat and the second is a bit of a wet lettuce who, despite not earning any money, gives away all of his free time to a charity. Nice and stuff but he doesn’t have a life outside of this by the sound of things. I think you’re understandably bored of him and it isn’t going to improve!