AIBU to want boundaries around my partner’s constant voluntary work/charity calls at night, weekends and during family appointments?

[Quietpeace82]

I'm not sure quite what Im asking as in my head it feels very complicated but id really appreciate some opinions.

I know it sounds unreasonable and im expecting some harsh replies / get over yourself type thing.

So (deep breath as a bit scared)
I had never been someone who hankering after marriage and babies..but married a slightly older man some years ago and I am now mum to three utterly Amazing(almost adult) children.
Their dad turned out to be an abusive alcoholic with fingers and other body parts in many pies (both metaphorically and otherwise) He drank away our money and generally acted in a Selfish entitled way. Horrible experience.
I was over men and after divorce did my own thing for many years (mostly working and sleeping tbh to support the kids) I paid for several years of therapy just to heal my head.

I did end up meeting someone else.i really appreciated his communication, very straight forward...easy to chat to and he seemed kind, moral and thoughtful. Nothing was too much trouble and I found his company easy and we were genuinely so compatible.

I did get s few alarm bells about 18months in...he works as a full time volunteer for a national charity. Im very proud of his dedication. His role is mostly staffing as well as collating service info. He does not have face to face contact with anyone in crisis.

He can be a bit hoity when it comes to people's rank within an organisation. This used to make me smile as It's almsot a bit of a cult and volunteers do seem to lose their senses a bit when an area manager is visiting for instance!
My partner clearly feels important and enjoys his position. I understood this when we met but soemthing ramped up last year and this is like an obsession.

ive worked in a professional environment all of my life so perhaps dont have that sense of feeling that others are really elevated? I dont have the sense of awe...I found the reactions quite endearing but other stuff started to make me feel a bit weird.

it didnt take long to learn all the names of the other volunteers, their families names and often what training courses they are on and whats happening and when...this was due to the repetition of hearing it all.
i dont sound it but I am actually incredibly proud of the work he does and he does need something to occupy him! So ive said nothing and always show interest etc etc. He has a very active mind and as retired does need activity of course.

Id noted that All of the volunteers have access to my partner via phone or email 24/7 (but as I have mentioned to my partner it doesnt always need answering immediately!!) we could all do that couldn't we and be answering working emails 24/7! Being a volunteer they dont
have the same boundaries as a work place and everyone is used to him picking the phone up on a sat night at 10pm and getting a response or texting him over holidays etx.

I know it's his passion...but it's started to infiltrate my life.
Five years in it isn't going to change but I also work full time for a crisis centre (paid) and when I come home often my heart and head are frankly battered. By the time ive put shopping away or sorted and made dinner its 8.o clock or later. Randomly throughout the evening he gets calls and texts and jumps on it straight away. Or just starts talking about it when im trying to sort my own head out.

It has started to offend me a little and then over time it's making me feel anxious about him being home when I am.
I have brought it up to him a few times including almsot in tears after he cut me dead whilst talking as his text pinged. It's like im.not excit8ng enough for him.

I am quite a lot younger actually and have started to get some attention at work.
Id not usually notice I guess, and certainly adore my partner and woudknt stray...but I'm starting to see how and why people do! Forgive me... I'm overwhelmed at work and now at home.
Ive started stopping at the supermarket on my own just to get some peace...

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me as I am pleased to read the news but with work being often impactful & with loss of life etc..I need time inbetween with calm and a little bit of predictable quiet. I don't know if i sound boring but I dont appreciate too much drama into my night especially when I know that as soon as I get to work, it's hard emotional focus.

We recently bought a house together and this is when I noticed things even more. He took a call from the charity while we signed the paperwork and after when we went for lunch..he stood outside the pub for 40minutes discussing staffing with the MD. (Incidentlely this is a paid manager who could have been advised rhat we were busy for an hour)

We were choosing flooring and as we were handing our selection to the site office i felt him lose interest and looked over to see him emailing on his phone.
The last straw was me telling him about a hosp appt and his eyes flicked to his phone that was on the car dashboard....I could see it was work from the text..and he didnt hesitate in picking it up!

I have been commenting and the other day told him it was a bit hurtful but he won't have it. He says i keep "giving him a dressing down".
Im startled.
Im startled that he cant put a little boundary in now and then and honeslty im not sure I want to compete for peace with a national charity that seems to suck his patience and energy dry.

Its definitely not another woman. Im not concerned about that as he often takes the calls in ear shot or the texts flag up in the car. I do find it a bit unprofessional and I find it also intrusive on speaker phone! It leaves a bad energy in the air and tbh Im finding the lack of boundaries and understanding that this is making me feel uncomfortable at times...really difficult.

He has also (since buying the house) let on that a week a month he will be staying at his other house as it's nearer to work when he is on duty. This wasnt discussed with me and honestly really hurt.
Its made me feel like the home we were creating is now a B&B
I know it's childish but what I signed up for a few years ago was a kind, thoughtful man that listened and made me laugh...then gradually what I feel like i have is a distracted teen ( he is 68 btw) that is addicted to his phone, office politics and social media drama.
I've been so hurt with how he has acted regarding the house and if I could I think id back out of it but we move next week.

How do I reasonably ask for and find some quiet space that's predictable without drama.
Id wondered about getting some headphones and using them around the house especially if he isnt going to listen to my need for a little time out.

Id like to highlight that ive brought this on myslef by showing interest but I felt thst this was what a nice partner did and I knew it was important to him so haveny disuaded it throughout the relationship, but it ramped right up last year to almost obsession levels.

ive said "oh, sorry darling its a bit late for me all of this..can we chat it over in the morning?"
Or "oh, sorry its sunday morning and I haven't had a cuppa yet!"
Or " ive not long been back from work could I just finish the jobs first?"
Or even me sitting with him listening first then excusing self after 30 mins doesnt seem to work. Nothing works.
If someone said to me that after 9pm needs a little quiet or if I was doing something unthoughtful that was impacting my partner, id be mortified and would want to compromise and put it right.
Am I being difficult?
Help😂

he is not going to change, and is already making you feel like shit for even raising the topic with him.

it’s not going to get any better.

Honestly, even if you’ve already completed, I’d be putting the house straight back on the market , and consider any financial loss as better than living with this for the rest of his life.

This.

He won’t change. This is what gives his life meaning and sadly that means you come second. I’d break away from him now… he’s taking from your life not giving anymore.

Id also look to change jobs as the crisis centre seems to be impacting you too much.

What is it Jordan Peterson says? "Don't try and change the world before you have your own house in order."

This seems to sum him up.

Can you get out of the house move?

There will be no discussion, he will never see your point of view. He cannot tone down his obsession. It is an obsession. Sorry, you have to disconnect from him.

YANBU to want boundaries but YABU to think you're going to get any. He's 68, this is who he is. Your options are to leave or put up with it.

Your mistake is thinking that you can change him, or get him to change.
It never works. People don't change (unless they really, really want to and put a lot of effort into it). He doesn't want to change.

So you either accept him as he is and live with it, or you leave.
Those are your only two choices.

^ In a nutshell.
Sorry Op, but you will never be on equal terms with this man, he may ‘be compassionate’ (though I doubt it) but he really loves and craves being the central character in the drama and thinks he is irreplaceable. He’s not, of course, but he doesn’t want to know or admit that. This is his character and it is unlikely to change.

He thinks his unpaid work, and by extension himself, is so much more important than you, doesn't he! What is he bringing to the table, other than third hand stress for you. He's retired, he should be sorting dinner and doing the shopping, not you after a hard day. What a self important prick he is. Nice that he's kept his other house too! Very convenient! Have you got another house just for you, too? I would have taken about 5 minutes of it, you've been very kind and patient with him.

Excellent answer.

Put the house on the market and find your own place.

It makes him still feel needed and important after his retirement, he wants to feel the place wouldn't function without him. I think you need to come down hard on him with firm, non negotiable boundaries around you spending time together as a couple in the evenings. Good luck, I'm.not sure you'll win

I know people like this. It will never change.

Maybe stay in the relationship but live separately?

He likes feeling important because he's feeding his ego. Everyone dependent upon him, that little thrill when his phone rings. He's massively over invested and not invested enough on your relationship. Being brutally honest he sounds like a nightmare. Sit him down, explain clearly what you want and see what happens, if his behaviour doesn't change think seriously whether you want to play second fiddle to his ego tripping.

OP, your post is full of ‘it’s a bit late’ or ‘can you just’ sort of comments and it sounds like you’re massively downplaying just how badly this is affecting you. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting your emotional needs met - meanwhile your partner is getting all his needs fulfilled through this voluntary position.

Have you tried to set a hard boundary with him. Explain clearly the huge impact this is having on you, you feel unloved and invisible and you would like to strike a deal - he only responds within a certain window - for example, nothing before 8am and nothing after 7pm. Or whatever is right for you. The reality is, the more he replies to people at crazy hours, the more he’s giving them permission to contact him…but then yes, maybe he needs that feeling of ‘importance’.

Have a look at this YouTube video about communal narcissists by Dr Ramani and see if it rings any bells.

I'd find him completely insufferable. He has no boundaries and is just constantly seeking validation of his own ego.

He does sound as if he has a “savior complex but it seems you still have some feelings for him too , maybe councillling will help you rescue this marraige if you both want it enough ? Could you talk to someone in his charity organization in confidence and tell them people contact him all the time and you feel it’s putting you both under pressure and affecting your home life ?

Well i will hazard a guess that in his actual working life he was a workaholic, probably in senior roles who derived all meaning to his life from his career. Its an addiction. He can't live without it and he won't change. It's how he defines himself. He has to be important, he has to be needed professionally. If the phone stops pinging, he literally will not know what to do. Sorry OP not helpful. all you can really do is ask yourself if theres enough other good stuff to put up with it. And have a very honest conversation about how it makes you feel to see if he can at least be present when you are together.

Tbh both your ex as well as your current DP sound emotionally immature, with their own priorities, and definitely not ready for a relationship or a family. The amount of times you repeated that you're proud of your DP - despite telling us how you struggle with the lack of communication and understanding - is telling.

really, really hope this is someone looking for reviews of their work of fiction, struggling to work out where to go from here.

you know sulking is abuse, don’t you Quietpeace82

There is a man at our church like this. On every committee and charity group you can think of (and no he is not the vicar) will ignore his DW, goes to loads of meetings in the evenings often straight from work leaving on her own with the DCs. Involved with other organisations as well so rarely at home including weekends. So many people say how wonderful he is (partly as he does the "jobs" so they dont have to).

You need to leave OP. You’re too young to waste your life and especially the life of your kids by living with a man like this. Report his “workload” to the charity too.

Oh dear god. Throw him back right now.

You need to ask yourself why you are so tolerant of this awful, disrespectful, nauseating man. A partner is supposed to be just that - someone who works in partnership with you. This guy is beyond self absorbed and yet you wonder if you are unreasonable for asking for so little. No wonder he chose you - the perfect bit part to his main character. You need to do some work on yourself op before you end up throwing the rest of your life away on people like this.