To drop future SIL from being a bridesmaid?

[Faraway11]

I hope you’re sat with a cuppa because it’s abit of a long one. My Fiancé and I have been planning our wedding for a long time. We get married in less than 2 weeks, so this happened a while ago but I’ve only just decided to discuss it as it still weighs on me. Initially, my plan was to have my best friend as my maid of honour, one of my closest friends as a bridesmaid and my SIL as a bridesmaid too. We had come out of a rough patch a few months prior, after she cut me off for not being able to attend her birthday drinks due to my car breaking and me not being able to afford it. She eventually apologised and we moved on. After asking her to be a bridesmaid she seemed happy and accepted. I reached out to the girls asking for a date we could all go dress shopping for my wedding dress as I needed input. On the day or shopping for my dress, SIL could not have looked any more miserable. I messaged her after I got home to ask if she was okay. She was annoyed because she thought she was getting her dress too that day and said she had to book time off work for it. It got smoothed over and I forgot about it. We eventually went to go and get the bridesmaid dresses, she seemed very happy on that day and it all went great. Between then and now, I’ve been having health issues, I’ve been diagnosed with ME/CFS and have been having extreme bouts of depression, but have been doing my best to function with the support of my family and friends. Back in April, my MOH asked what I’d like for my hen party. I explained I was more than happy to have a girly sleepover with some games, a takeaway and some cheesy films. I’m not one for being a party animal. My friends tried to get SIL on board with this, SIL mentioned wanting to go to a magic mike show, but that’s not something I’m interested in. So over the months leading up to the hen, my friends tried and tried to ask SIL if she was coming, she kept saying she didn’t know if she’d be at work (this was 6 months before the hen), then she was talking about not having enough money. My friends said they were happy to chip in and help her out if it meant her being there for my hen do. Eventually about 3 weeks before the hen, my bridesmaid messaged her again about it. SIL replied to say she didn’t want to come, because apparently my attitude and demeanor has been depressing lately, she didn’t want to sit in a room with a ‘mood hoover’ all night making her feel depressed, and also because she can sit and watch films at home. My bridesmaid immediately had my back and called her out on this, SIL replied to say that she’s had it hard too but she just got on with it. Obviously with my bridesmaid being a very close friend, she told me straight away. Myself and my partner phoned his mum, we explained that SIL was still more than welcome to attend the wedding, but she is no longer required as a bridesmaid and is not to contact me at all. Since then, I haven’t spoken to her, but she is point blank refusing to attend the wedding at all. I honestly don’t care, it’s my partner I feel sorry for, even though he has constantly supported me and expressed he also doesn’t care wether she attends. I’ve heard that she also thinks I’m taking advantage of my partner due to him covering bills whilst I’ve been unwell. Her reasoning for not attending the wedding continues to fluctuate between not wanting to be around my friends, and just saying she doesn’t want to go. Was i unreasonable?

SIL doesn't want to go to the wedding. You don't care. DH says he doesn't care. It's not worth any more thought, just enjoy your wedding.

Ignore all the drama. She's not coming to the wedding, presumably you got the hen do you wanted and had a lovely time.

Big deep breath and let it go.

Why did you phone her mum to say that his sister was no longer a bridesmaid? Surely you should have said it directly to her. I imagine that is why she doesn’t want to go, she was demoted and had to hear about it from her mum. But either way neither your nor your fiancé want her there so I’m not sure what it is that you’re concerned about. You don’t want her there, she’s not coming, so end of?

She doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t like OP and doesn’t want to celebrate her. This is not because she was demoted from bridesmaid. She was horrendous to OP. Just let her go.

Ignore she wants the day to be about her not going ,,she's been invited her loss of she doesn't go .Do not let her turn your wedding prep and day about her like she do your dress fitti h and hen do ,she's irrelevant.

If she has the bridesmaids dress get it back else she might turn uo on the day wearing it!!

how old is she?

If you’re an apparent ‘mood hoover’ then she’s definitely a drama llama!
id be inclined to send her a nice card and just say something like SIL whilst you and I have a bit of a strange relationship, please just consider your brother and supporting him at his wedding day .. leave it in her court

YANBU to say she’s no longer a bridesmaid. YABU to involve your MIL instead of you or your DP telling the SIL.

If your partner is so bothered about her coming (and he says he isn’t), he should have had a conversation with her himself.

Being honest it all sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama. She has been a knob and said some hurtful things but im unsure why you involved her mum rather than just having the conversation with her directly. I would leave the ball in her court now, 2 weeks before im sure youve got better things to do than chase her around.

Sounds a bit of a saga. No good worrying about it now. You told her mum, but not her, that she wasn’t welcome as a bridesmaid. Whether she comes at all you will have to wait and see.
Your idea of a hen do is not hers. I will be honest she does sound a bit immature. The who spoke to who and who said what to who sounds a bit too much as well. Everyone putting fire on the flames.

You will have realised you are both very different people ages ago. Mature people generally try to rub along and go with the flow for the sake of the event and all involved.

If you regret telling her not to come then phone her up or better still, go and talk to her face to face and ask her. Yes, she was rude about you but may not have realised the conversation she had would be repeated back to you like that.
Your bridesmaid put a spanner in the works where perhaps with a bit of care she could have calmed things down.

The reason we contacted her mum was because she has a habit of not answering the phone when something like this happens. It was my partner that contacted their mum, I was not in the right headspace to attempt to speak to her and still am not. Thought it best she knew sooner rather than later

We sort of had no choice but to ask her to pass the message along. SIL doesn’t do communication especially when she knows she’s messed up

But in the circumstances it comes across like you were telling on her and expecting Mil to sort her out.

Not telling on her, asking MIL to pass the message along, SIL won’t answer her phone. I’m really close with my MIL and she’s been great throughout

In what adult world do people act like the SiL?
What she told OP's friend was awful.
I'd tell her to stay home as I don't want a mood hoover at my wedding. Honestly, she'll take focus off the wedding and celebration.

Ugh what a mess. Kindly, you all sound like squabbling children. However I remember how high emotions run around weddings so I do empathize (a bit).

But that's the thing - I've been married 12 years and half the people in my wedding photos I've lost touch with. All of the details I slaved over, I just don't remember. Fights that at the time seemed like life and death (who would sit where, the friend who dropped out of the hen on the day with a rubbish excuse) - all in the context of a life lived subsequently seem so meaningless.

Basically, she's been rubbish. She shouldn't be a bridesmaid.

But if she doesn't come to the wedding you'll probably never speak again which would be a shame. Someday she might grow out of being such a selfish monster and might be a lovely auntie to any future kids or a person you want around for all sorts of reasons. The selfish mate who dropped out of my hen and I.(almost) uninvited to my wedding? Organized my baby shower and was great at different times.

Let it go and enjoy your day x

I strongly recommend you reclassify this in your head as ‘not a big deal’, and get on with your wedding. If you decide not to mind, and just see it as ‘one of those things’, then you can ride it out without long term consequences for the extended family.

If you try to resolve it, then it will run and run and other family members will get involved. Just let whatever happens happen, she’ll either turn up or she won’t. Don’t get dragged into discussion about it, in allocating blame, in ‘sorting things out’. If anyone else tries, just be breezy about it. People will try and pin you down about how awful her behaviour was etc. It’s much safer not to get involved.

Could both be true? that neither of your behaviour has been great lately.

She does sound like a complete and utter dose and you would be better starting married life with massively reduced expectations of the type of relationship you will have but is it all really her?

Your situation, while obviously not your fault and obviously not easy for you either, does not sound easy to be around.

It might be worth acknowledging that neither of you are each other’s cup of tea but you will try your best for your mutual relationship with your DH to be and just move forward.

OP you don't need to keep explaining yourself. Whenever there's an in-law issue on MN the responses are invariably that it's for the other half to deal with. Well in this case your other half DID deal with it, and in the way that he knew was right for HIS family. He's a good 'un.

Just let it go. if she wants to cut her nose off to spite her face that's on her. I doubt this behaviour is a one-off. Does she have form?

Did you really expect your bridesmaids to take a day off work to come with you whilst you shopped for a wedding dress?!! Maybe that's normal these days and I'm out of touch, but that sounds mental to me!! All the rest of it though, she sounds overly dramatic and you've probably made the right choice.

Mum/MiL-to-be/Best friend(s) can attend with bride to pick out a wedding dress. It's not uncommon to have one, or all.

Why didnt you at least first text her saying you heard why she didnt want to come to hen and considering her feelings about you, youre relieving her from bridesmaid duties. You fuelled more drama by calling your MIL.

YANBU by not wanting her as a bridesmaid but YABU by playing along with the drama. You both sound a bit immature.

Poor MIL. Fancy being dragged into this and having to be the one to deliver the news.

I don't believe that you/your DH had no other way of communicating with SIL. DH could have turned up at her door, and if she didn't answer, put a note through the letter box.

It was cowardly and unfair to land MIL with the job.

Sure, that's not unusual, but that's not what OP said! Doesn't matter either way though frankly.

Honestly, she sounds difficult but you’re helping. Let her do what she wants.