To drop future SIL from being a bridesmaid?

[Faraway11]

I hope you’re sat with a cuppa because it’s abit of a long one. My Fiancé and I have been planning our wedding for a long time. We get married in less than 2 weeks, so this happened a while ago but I’ve only just decided to discuss it as it still weighs on me. Initially, my plan was to have my best friend as my maid of honour, one of my closest friends as a bridesmaid and my SIL as a bridesmaid too. We had come out of a rough patch a few months prior, after she cut me off for not being able to attend her birthday drinks due to my car breaking and me not being able to afford it. She eventually apologised and we moved on. After asking her to be a bridesmaid she seemed happy and accepted. I reached out to the girls asking for a date we could all go dress shopping for my wedding dress as I needed input. On the day or shopping for my dress, SIL could not have looked any more miserable. I messaged her after I got home to ask if she was okay. She was annoyed because she thought she was getting her dress too that day and said she had to book time off work for it. It got smoothed over and I forgot about it. We eventually went to go and get the bridesmaid dresses, she seemed very happy on that day and it all went great. Between then and now, I’ve been having health issues, I’ve been diagnosed with ME/CFS and have been having extreme bouts of depression, but have been doing my best to function with the support of my family and friends. Back in April, my MOH asked what I’d like for my hen party. I explained I was more than happy to have a girly sleepover with some games, a takeaway and some cheesy films. I’m not one for being a party animal. My friends tried to get SIL on board with this, SIL mentioned wanting to go to a magic mike show, but that’s not something I’m interested in. So over the months leading up to the hen, my friends tried and tried to ask SIL if she was coming, she kept saying she didn’t know if she’d be at work (this was 6 months before the hen), then she was talking about not having enough money. My friends said they were happy to chip in and help her out if it meant her being there for my hen do. Eventually about 3 weeks before the hen, my bridesmaid messaged her again about it. SIL replied to say she didn’t want to come, because apparently my attitude and demeanor has been depressing lately, she didn’t want to sit in a room with a ‘mood hoover’ all night making her feel depressed, and also because she can sit and watch films at home. My bridesmaid immediately had my back and called her out on this, SIL replied to say that she’s had it hard too but she just got on with it. Obviously with my bridesmaid being a very close friend, she told me straight away. Myself and my partner phoned his mum, we explained that SIL was still more than welcome to attend the wedding, but she is no longer required as a bridesmaid and is not to contact me at all. Since then, I haven’t spoken to her, but she is point blank refusing to attend the wedding at all. I honestly don’t care, it’s my partner I feel sorry for, even though he has constantly supported me and expressed he also doesn’t care wether she attends. I’ve heard that she also thinks I’m taking advantage of my partner due to him covering bills whilst I’ve been unwell. Her reasoning for not attending the wedding continues to fluctuate between not wanting to be around my friends, and just saying she doesn’t want to go. Was i unreasonable?

To offer another point of view: you've felt obligated to have her as a bridesmaid, at the same time I expect she's probably felt obligated to then say yes.

I also wouldn't want to take a day off work for someone else's wedding dress shopping. Were you clear that it was for your dress only or did you just frame it as "we're going dress shopping" when you invited her?

It sounds like she's been pestered about the hen do and tried to offer some acceptable excuses (work, money) and instead of taking the hint your bridesmaids have pushed until she's given them the real reason. You aren't close and she thinks you've been difficult to be around lately. Yes you've had things going on, I don't minimise that, but it doesn't mean people you weren't actually close with are going to find it easy or enjoyable to be around you. I wouldn't have used the term mood hoover but honestly it can be tough being around people when they're in bouts of depression.

And then to top it off you phone MIL and put her in the middle. Kindly, your reasoning for doing so is a load of crap. Did you even try to phone her? Or just assume she wouldn't pick up so didn't bother? You or your partner could have then sent a text message. Anything other than telling her mum and making her a messenger between her kids. And people have said it's your partner's sister so he should deal with it, but she was your bridesmaid and this has all blown up because of your hen do, I don't agree that it's your partner's issue to solve.

She hasn't covered herself in glory but honestly neither have you. This reeks of childish drama and I think you, your partner and his sister all need to accept nobody's behaved maturely here.

How many times did you try speaking to her before you got your MIL involved?

Forget the SIL. Really. You clearly have a supportive partner and lovely friends. Celebrate this and have a fabulous day😘

Exactly what I was thinking.

I would never expect somebody to take annual leave to go wedding dress shopping with me. As she thought it was to get her bridesmaid dress, obviously the message wasn't clear.

Why did she have to attend your hen night? If an adult says they don't want to do something, surely it should be respected - not asked again and again until they flip.

This sounds like good news, you don't want someone like that at your wedding causing problems.

Congratulations 💐💐💐❤️

Bride and bridesmaids have all had unrealistic and unnecessary expectations, you've all been dramatic and immature and meddling, you're all stomping your feet over....nothing. Just let her make her own decisions, you make your own, leave your DH and MIL out of it - and enjoy your wedding day.

Your SIL is an attention seeking Queen Bee - just get on with your special day and ignore her. I would get the bridesmaid dress back off of her though.

Can't you put some paragraph breaks in that wall of text?

My SIL is older than DH, he is a nerd and quite shy but a lovely person. He was a late bloomer and I was on}y his second GF at 29. When we married his sister said she was surprised that he had ever got married to his face at the actual wedding. She is over bearing and dramatic just like your SIL. She is deeply unhappy and has never married or had children. There was a period where I went NC. When people wonder why they are unsuccessful in love well it’s obvious why she isn’t.

I think YABU to ask someone to be your bridesmaid and then withdraw the invitation via her mother two weeks before the wedding. This is going to be your family soon! However difficult your relationship, you can’t just rule her out like that. Big mistake imo.

Problem is if she does come to the wedding she will probably cause a drama, can't win with her sort.

I am going going against the grain but I think your friend should have kept quiet about your sister in law's comments. Wouldn't it have been better if those of you you wanted to go to the hen party enjoyed it and some excuse was made for sister in law and then carried on as normal.
It seems an awful lot of unnecessary drama made worse by telling her she is no longer a bridesmaid two weeks before the wedding. Of course she would then say she didn't want to attend.
Weddings can bring the worst out in people.

As she doesn't want to come, I'd send a one off message confirming that due to the fact she's not coming you've cancelled her place at the reception/given it to someone else and it's a shame, but obviously in the circumstances she can't be your bridesmaid. Then just sign it off, saying you wish her the best for the future. That way it's clear, she can't change her mind - from then onwards just don't engage with her, and concentrate on looking forward to your day.

This. Remove the drama and be the bigger person. Partly because it’s family. I do recall going with my SIL and her DM to choose a wedding dress (she chose the first one she tried on!) but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Also maybe I’m not getting this but why can’t she still be a bridesmaid? Presumably she has the dress? What’s the worst she could do if she was BM? It’s one day.

It's done. Can't be changed. Enjoy your wedding.

Dropping her as bridesmaid is fine, her not wanting to come is fine. Calling mum is very immature.

I think you all sound as bad (& immature) as each other to be honest.

Nil Carborundum Illegitimi

Don't let the bastards drive you down.

Get some rest OP and try to dismiss the perpetrators. They're nuts. But mostly, enjoy the wedding x

Thankfully she is no longer your bridesmaid.

Ignore her and enjoy your hen do and wedding :)

Just enjoy your wedding. It’s about you and your partner, your day. Don’t even debate with yourself if she should attend, she doesn’t deserve to.

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people - she sounds jealous as heck. Let her sit in misery for the day.

@Faraway11
Make sure you get your bridesmaid dress back or she could turn up at the ceremony and make it all about herself whilst making sure you come off badly and there be pity for her brother you're marrying!
She doesn't like you
Pure and simple
Be grateful she doesn't want to attend
There's nothing you can do
Except watch yourself whenever you're around her and don't give her any grace
Good you've got friends who know what she's like and even your to-be hubby isn't impressed by her so
Let her simmer in her own petty stew!

You both sound immature and annoying

Girly sleepover? How old are you?

I would just drop her from a great height not just as a bridesmaid - although I think I’ll use mood hoover in future, it’s a new one on me 🤣 and I can think of a couple of people I’ll be silently saying it to!

That makes complete sense to me. You and DH sounds perfectly reasonable. Sorry you’ve had this to deal with. Weddings always seem to bring out the very worst in families. Please, please don’t give it any more thought. You’ve been reasonable throughout and just don’t need this at all!!

You could do with a comma.