AIBU to feel annoyed they questioned our finances?

[WorthyPanda]

Looking for some perspective please as not sure I’m BU.

DH and I work hard. We both work full time. We rented for years and saved a deposit for a house over a period of years, no help from family etc. We bought a property three years ago and it needed a lot of work. We have been slowly renovating over the last three years - slowly because we didn’t want to get into debt to do it all at the same time. We would do overtime and save and save, then once we had the money would then do the renovations one room at a time, then repeat the process. We have almost finished now. During this time we have sacrificed holidays, beauty treatments, hairdresser visits, new clothes etc for ourselves. DC have not missed anything except the holidays abroad, but we have tried to make up with days out etc. They are old enough to understand the situation and know next year we will have a holiday as renovations finished plus they have still attended all their clubs etc. Basically DH and I sacrificed our personal things but the children didn’t.

The house looks and feels lovely and we are so pleased. DH was keen to do it to a high standard that would last so we have used quality materials and high end appliances. We are very proud of what we have achieved.

My family are also really proud but some of DH family seem to make barbed comments about the property and what we have done, making fun of some of the “extravagant” appliances we have etc. I’ve ignored all of it but today DH went to visit family and two of them made a comment they needed to talk to him about finances. One said they couldn’t understand how we had a “never ending pot of money” and basically queried whether we had got into debt sorting our house. DH explained that we hadn’t and the member of his family who said about the never ending pot of money didn’t seem convinced. For context this person spends money like water on things like nights out, meals out, fast fashion etc and also works part time. They then questioned whether we have savings currently and DH explained we have a small amount but have used them recently on our home (the last part to be done) and that they will soon be back up to previous levels.

I feel annoyed that he explained himself to them. We are adults who have asked for no help with our property; buying or renovating. DH family do not offer any help in school holidays or seeing the children and rarely visit us despite living very close. If we had decided to get into debt for our property that would have been our decision and not theirs. I don’t understand why they feel so entitled to know about our finances and also why DH felt he had to explain.

I seem to be disagreeing with most people on this thread...

They could be asking with the best of intentions, eg they really are worried that you have overspent and will struggle. Sharing that 'we've saved for years and are within budget' puts their mind at rest ... And may, as you say they are not savers, show them these things are possible! No one is expecting you to share the balance sheet!

Your DH should have said when they said we want to talk about finances that it’s not up for discussion my and my wife’s finances are our own business. He’s stupid for allowing them to start it. Who needs family like that. To the relative who wasn’t convinced it’s not like they were offering help rather more relishing the opportunity to stir things up.

They sound incredibly rude. Even if they are his parent. In fact if they were I might be tempted to message them and remind them it's none of their fucking business. My parents and inlaws would never make comments like that despite us clearly spending a lot more than they do.

The only thing I can think of is that perhaps for years you have been claiming to be massively skint and therefore unable to afford things such as going out for dinner and on holiday etc with them or to be able to buy birthday and Christmas gifts etc and yet you suddenly appear to have remarkably deep pockets when it comes to buying the latest coffee machine etc. perhaps it’s this dissonance and contradiction that they are trying to wrap their heads around the fact that after years of seeming to have no money you are now suddenly spending it like it’s going out of fashion on items that to them are a massive waste of money (not saying the are btw we all have different priorities!) and they genuinely are concerned that you are putting yourselves in debt by doing so. Perhaps they’ve always had you down as struggling yet now can’t work out whether you actually are or not.

I’m just playing devil’s advocate here in order to help you understand their apparent nosiness!

It really is none of their business though.

I think it’s a shame @WorthyPanda that he felt pressured, but on the other hand now they’ve poked and prodded at him, you can reply bluntly to any questions ‘no we are not in debt. We planned to go without and did this in stages so we wouldn’t be in debt. We also planned this as a one-off exercise, so chose the white goods we wanted and to hopefully last’. If they keep on, you can reasonably say ‘but you have meals out, trips away, blah blah and we’ve been saving that money as we go’ then enjoy the silence as it sinks in. And if it doesn’t, you can say ‘we’ve explained, up to you if you choose not to believe us, in which case let’s leave it for now’. Sounds like they’re a bit jealous.

and - bloody well done to you, sounds amazing!

It's very easy to say how he should have responded, with the luxury of time to think and no pressure. But when out of the blue you're asked something like this, and are unprepared, it's natural to react defensively.

I've been in this kind of position several times, and wanted to kick myself after the fact, when the person has gone and I've had time to think. So give your DH a break

Good advice.

OP, the most I would do here is ask your DH not to provide information next time and to develop some phrases which can be effectively deployed to shut down any future questions.

They are just jealous OP and your DH told them because they cornerd him, and also he was proud of how you have worked hard to get your home how you want it and haven't got yourselves in debt.
Just forget about them and enjoy your lovely home.

Some people do not have an awareness of money and how much they are (in my eyes anyway) throwing away every month on getting drunk every weekend on a night out, eating out all the time, takeaways, buying new clothes etc , updating your car every couple of years, and opting for fancier ones, getting nails, lashes hair extensions etc done very regularly, booking any event which half takes their fancy, and paying for the best tickets. Any money they have after essential bills are paid they just see as spare, which in their eyes equals "to spend" - on things that don't last.

They just don't seem to understand that you can use any spare money to invest in things for the future, either literally, to enable you to maybe retire earlier than them, or on things like your house, which would also increase the value, and your quality of life.

I've been in the position where someone I know well in very similar financial circumstances to me about 10 years ago, has made thinley veiled comments about me being stingy, because I have paused to assess whether something is worth the money while out shopping, for example, or intimated that I was somehow luckier than them as I have the option to retire earlier than them now (despite the fact that I've made very different financial choices over the years to allow me to be in this situation)

We spend money very differently but some people have a hard time understanding that if you spend on certain things, you're limiting yourself in other ways, and that's fine if you get a lot of enjoyment about the things you've spent the money on and are happy with your choices, but don't then go and suggest that someone is luckier than you because they have done things differently and now have more than you or they have an asset to show for it which will last and bring value over many future years.

It is VERY hard not to get wound up by people commenting in the same way as your inlaws, OP, but I've found it's best to just state calmly, "I guess everyone's different in how they choose to live their lives, spend money etc, aren't they? Would you like another drink/piece of cake/whatever?" to subtly change the subject to refuse to be reeled in. DO NOT tell them any details of costs, your income levels, savings levels etc as that would just invite further questions.

If your relatives ask you for a handout you just say any savings are invested or in inaccessible savings accounts to fund future goals eg kids uni fund/driving lessons or family trip of a lifetime in so many years. They wouldn't dare to ask you to take money out of savings that are meant for the kids and if they did I would tell them exactly what i thought of them.

People usually tell family some detail though eg "no, we're not having a family holiday this year because we're saving for our big extension, remember?" or "No, we're just getting a takeaway for my birthday this year rather than going out as it's a bit cheaper and we're saving for our big extension, remember?" etc etc.

Usually family members are aware that you are saving up for a big event like an extension and will make choices to be able to do so. If they're not aware then you're not that close and you don't need to give them any explanation of why you're not spending money on x/y/z, in my opinion.

This 100%

How you afforded it “we worked very hard, we sacrificed loads blah blah blah” is irrelevant.
His family were being twatty and your dh, who has free will, responded how HE saw fit to respond to HIS family.

Leave him alone

theirs. I don’t understand why they feel so entitled to know about our finances and also why DH felt he had to explain.

It isn’t brain science

they are rude fools
your dh conducts his own relationship with his own family separate to you

Of course he had to explain or else he’d be fending off comments and questions every time they met up!

Jealousy. Don't give them another thought.
Anyway, nice one, glad home nearly finished and enjoy putting your feet up on holiday next year!

They are nosy – that’s as simple and as complicated as it gets.

Some people feel comfortable sharing financial details, others don’t. You best speak to your DH to get on the same page.

Don’t add to your husband’s stress about his family by you getting in an arse for him for how he has chosen to respond to his own family

Your in-law was being very nosy, and I would have said as much in your husband’s shoes. So I get why you’re annoyed. Ultimately though, your husband hasn’t revealed anything embarrassing or particularly personal; just the fairly unexciting truth that you’ve saved up to spend this money and are now doing so.

Maybe it’s as other posters have suggested and they were hoping to hear of a secret windfall or similar, meaning they could tap you up for a loan. Maybe it’s simple jealousy. If, as you say, this relative is spending beyond their means, maybe they were hoping to hear you were doing the same, so they don’t feel like the only one living their life on credit. Either way, their hopes have been dashed - and if they were hoping for gossip, they’ll have been disappointed.

It’s irrelevant what others think . Why are you concerned?

Bloody hell, what age is your husband that he couldn't handle a basic nosey question with "we're good thanks" on a loop?

I would be pissed off he couldn't handle himself.

You have married down OP, if these are your begrudging in laws.

Tell your husband you don't want your finances alluded to or explained again.

See less of his family.
Jealousy is ugly, tacky, and low class behaviour and you have every right to tell your husband after the years of sacrifice you are not prepared to be around it.

Toughen up and tell him to do the same.

He could “handle” himself.

The OP just doesn’t agree with how he “handled” his own family

You guys are absalutely amazing because you are not having to pay for things for your house plus appliances over and again, no APR .

Your DH likely has a relative whose life choices are different and wow I bet they are more than envious!

But you've just commented on what they spend their on so surely you're both as bad as each other?

I'd be irritated he felt he needed to explain, but I'm assuming it was his parents or sibling.

My response would have been 'There's no need to be worried, Margery. Our finances are nothing to do with you and we are both grown adults' before changing the subject.

However, I'd let it go now. No point arguing with your DH about it. His relations are rude or nosy and judgemental. It sounds like you know that anyway.

They then questioned whether we have savings currently and DH explained we have a small amount but have used them recently on our home (the last part to be done) and that they will soon be back up to previous levels.
I feel annoyed that he explained himself to them.

So your annoyance is that your DH revealed that you’d had to dip in to savings in order to afford some of the work? And you see that as revealing something to be ashamed of?