AIBU to feel annoyed they questioned our finances?

[WorthyPanda]

Looking for some perspective please as not sure I’m BU.

DH and I work hard. We both work full time. We rented for years and saved a deposit for a house over a period of years, no help from family etc. We bought a property three years ago and it needed a lot of work. We have been slowly renovating over the last three years - slowly because we didn’t want to get into debt to do it all at the same time. We would do overtime and save and save, then once we had the money would then do the renovations one room at a time, then repeat the process. We have almost finished now. During this time we have sacrificed holidays, beauty treatments, hairdresser visits, new clothes etc for ourselves. DC have not missed anything except the holidays abroad, but we have tried to make up with days out etc. They are old enough to understand the situation and know next year we will have a holiday as renovations finished plus they have still attended all their clubs etc. Basically DH and I sacrificed our personal things but the children didn’t.

The house looks and feels lovely and we are so pleased. DH was keen to do it to a high standard that would last so we have used quality materials and high end appliances. We are very proud of what we have achieved.

My family are also really proud but some of DH family seem to make barbed comments about the property and what we have done, making fun of some of the “extravagant” appliances we have etc. I’ve ignored all of it but today DH went to visit family and two of them made a comment they needed to talk to him about finances. One said they couldn’t understand how we had a “never ending pot of money” and basically queried whether we had got into debt sorting our house. DH explained that we hadn’t and the member of his family who said about the never ending pot of money didn’t seem convinced. For context this person spends money like water on things like nights out, meals out, fast fashion etc and also works part time. They then questioned whether we have savings currently and DH explained we have a small amount but have used them recently on our home (the last part to be done) and that they will soon be back up to previous levels.

I feel annoyed that he explained himself to them. We are adults who have asked for no help with our property; buying or renovating. DH family do not offer any help in school holidays or seeing the children and rarely visit us despite living very close. If we had decided to get into debt for our property that would have been our decision and not theirs. I don’t understand why they feel so entitled to know about our finances and also why DH felt he had to explain.

Ask your husband?

Why do you care?

Your husband should have told them that since nobody was asking them to contribute, it had fuck all to do with them.

I expect you can look forward to a request for money soon. A 'loan' that will never get paid back.

That would annoy me too.

I find quite often people don't understand the concept of saving and overtime, and doing things piecemeal (is that the word I mean?).

Or is it that they see your different choices as criticism of theirs?

Honestly, it just sounds like the relative is envious of your lovely home and wants to throw shade to make themselves feel better about not being disciplined enough to achieve the same for themselves. Your husband's honesty about it is a good thing, because if he'd refused to answer the question they would have assumed they were right (and told everyone that you were up to your eyeballs in debt no doubt.) Let it wash over you and smile serenely in their presence.

I don’t know why he felt the need to explain either. A firm “mind your own business” was all that was needed here. Nosey people can ask whatever they like but they’re not entitled to answers.

You will help yourself a lot if you stop caring. And it will help a lot if your husband stops explaining things to people who deserve no explanation.
The relatives sound a PITA. But thrill hi hi continue to ask questions as long as they’re getting answers. Best of luck 🌺

It sounds like pure jealousy. Of course it’s nobody’s business and, as you say, had you decided to put it all on loans & credit cards it would still be nobody’s business.

I feel annoyed that he explained himself to them.

Christ, and yet no detail was left unexplained to us complete strangers in your OP 😁

You're obviously very proud of yourself and with good reason.

But that's where it ends, many others won't give a shit even if you really want them to.

It's just idle chit chat to them.

Well it his their joint finances he discussed with family when it had nothing to do with them. If it happened to me I would care too.
It's got nothing to do with them and they shouldn't ask and husband should have told them to mind their own business.
Why do they think they have any entitlement to know or judge is another issue.

Also you say...

I don’t understand why they feel so entitled to know about our finances and also why DH felt he had to explain.

I take it you've asked your DH why he felt he had to explain?

Was his reply not clear or was it just very short?

Your family finances are private matters. Your husband feels he has to explain when criticized. He doesn't need to explain anything. Just say our family finances are private.

I would be wary like the poster above that the relative is sussing you out for a significant money grab that they will call a loan.

The appropriate response would be "you dont need to talk to us about finances, we have planned and budgeted and aren't in debt, we won't be discussing it further".

They sound like the sort of people who enjoy frittering their money on daily crap that leaves nothing to show for it but howl that its not fair when other people have nice homes (and managed this by not frittering).

Was in a parent-in-law who asked? This is the sort of thing my mum would do as she's desperate to know what we earn and how much we have in the bank. Though when we were kids my parents acted like their salaries were a state secret so I'm not sharing now even if the enquiry is dressed up as faux "concern"!

Reckon they are scouting him to claim poverty and ask to borrow cash they won’t ever pay back.

To those asking why DH felt he needed to explain, he said he felt backed into a corner and that it was a critical remark that he was trying to show we aren’t silly with money. I think he did feel criticised and therefore made an attempt to justify it in the moment.

Families talk about money.

Why is it a secret that you paid for it by doing overtime etc - just tell them that. You adopted a method of paying, others take out loans, add to the mortgage etc

It's a conversation.

You are confident and secure in your decisions, you have had a great outcome.

Not sure why you need to feel defensive, secretive or spiky.

This. So many details. 😂

There you go. So just drop it then.

Or figure out why this is such a big deal to YOU.

It’s jealousy driving these comments. But your DH should not have explained himself and should have told them he won’t discuss your personal finances. Answering these questions will just lead to more questions and it’s really none of their business. Tell him to shut it down next time.

Sounds like the relative is experiencing some sour grapes

Yes. This is just the prodrome to the requests for money. They basically negged him to get him to “prove” how you financed the work and then now that they have insight into your finances they can decide whether to badger you for a handout.

YANBU, but who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks or asks. Tell them to piss right off. I just totally ignore wankers like that.

I hope you never invite them round again.

Is it his parents, just expressing concern?

And you don't understand this?

I'm the complete opposite of your DH and would've told them to mind their own business.

And yet I still understand why your husband did it from what you've just said.