AIBU to feel out of step as the only one still working?

[Wofflewaffle]

Aibu to feel out of step with my family?

At 53 I’m the only one left working full time.

My parents retired early (at 58 / 60) and live an idyllic life in their country house.
My sister walked away from a stressful job last year. The fact that she doesn’t have children and has married a richer, older man means that she will not be going back to work, and is effectively retiring aged 51.
My DH had a burnout last year. I don’t think he will ever be the same, but he’s better. He has gone part time (50%) with an invalidity pension to made up most - not all - of the difference.

And muggins here carries on working 42 hours a week (full time compressed into term time) and trying to support / parent / fund two teens through school and uni.

i don’t grudge them (maybe I do) but what I’m finding really difficult is that we seem to have so little in common now. All they talk about are expensive improvements on their big homes / gardens (we rent a city centre flat), the latest wildlife that they’ve spotted (if I hear one more red squirrel story I might 🤯), the long country walks that they do, the sauna they are planning to build, etc etc. I plaster on a smile and try to care. When they do ask about my life, it’s really hard not to be snippy about it - the truth is that it’s a grind. When they ask about work, there’s no real interest - it’s more like ‘poor Woffle, such a hard life.. oh look another squirrel! 🐿️

My dad keeps asking when we’re going to retire ‘because every year you work after 60 is 5 years off your life you know Woffle’. Like I have a choice! Two kids still to put through uni, a recently reduced income and me being the main breadwinner? I’m going to be working for a long time to come.

They sound bored and insensitive, and they're the anomalies, not you. Spend less time tolerating their squirrel talk and more with friends at the same stage as you, there must be plenty more like you unless you're in a v privileged bubble. Personally I (50s) like my work and having that sense of purpose, and have no plans to stop until at least 70 if I can keep healthy and gainfully employed. Shopping and home improvements would wear thin very swiftly. I wonder if going onto you about early retirement helps them justify their own decisions rather than express genuine interest/concern for you. If they really cared how you felt, they'd STFU about it and engage in what your reality actually is.

I would be telling them what you have said her, your husband now works PT so you need to work full time and will do for the forseeable

if they carry on I would tell them to either fund your retirement or shut up

Tell your dad you can’t afford to retire, so unless they’re going to give you early inheritance you don’t want to hear it.

Have you tried replying to your dad “I can’t afford to retire before state pension age. We dont own our flat, and the kids will need money for uni.”

can I ask why you are still doing compressed hours to free up school holidays if your dcs are secondary/uni age though? Particularly if dh is at home more in the school holidays. You might be happier.

I agree with the pp who said "they are the anomalies, not you". Exactly that. It is not usual to retire in your 50s. I will most likely still be working into my 70s. My dad who has a ridiculously high pension and fully paid off large property plus I think two others he paid cash for*, chooses to work at 75. He tried to retire and hated it so much. He used to work for the NHS so it was a difficult job with long hours as well, so not as if he was leaving a cushy job where he did very little. I don't see the appeal of retiring in my 50s at all.

*I see none of this money btw so this is in no way a stealth boast!

We aren’t in the UK and for various reasons are pretty restricted in where / what we work as. So a bit blocked there.

I actually quite enjoy my job but -again- this puts me out of step with everyone. My parents were both desperate to retire (tbf my dad started working when he was 15). My sister has anxiety, very much work-related so she has been looking for an out for some time and BILs money / just the two of them has made it possible. I can see it’s going to be much better for her mental health not to have to work.

Thank you for saying this. It’s true that I feel so much closer to friends and colleagues than I do to my own family / sister right now. It’s hard, we’ve been very close for years but at this stage of life we are miles apart.

They are emotionally blind and insensitive. Stop putting on act and answer them more truthfully making it clear that you are overworked and tired. 😪

I’m 61, only about 10% of my peers of my age are retired.

They sound a bit insensitive, but it sounds like more of a country/city life difference than a working/not working one. Can’t you visit them in the holidays to do long walks with them as you are term time only?

I'd say exactly what you said in your internal response to your dad in your OP, actually to him next time this happens.

And what pp said. Most people are much closer to your position. I am!

But you’re only 53 unless that’s a typo, which is a long way off 60. I am 56 and still working as our the majority of my friends, the only ines who have retired are older. I tried not working for a while - combination of being an only DC to elderly DPs living an hour away and contract finishing - and I didn’t like it so I returned to work, granted only 3 days a week.

I would just start being blunt “ Wish I could afford to retire at 60 Dad” etc. etc. And what he is saying isn’t true, giving up work isn’t necessarily the best option for health and happiness.

My parents are quite oblivious to how much life costs now, especially putting children through uni and how long they are likely to need financially supported for. They made an absolute packet off investment flats during the property boom of the 1990s: as my dad said at the time ‘it sure beats working for a living’. They go on about young people wasting money on buying coffee etc 🙄 and are very self congratulatory about their own choices (made in completely different circumstances).

DH is 58, my dad’s usually referring to him when he says it. And he read it in the newspaper apparently, so it must be true 🤷‍♀️

Oh God I HATE this kind of smugness! I’d feel like telling them to fuck off. Not a response I’d actually recommend 🌺

At 53 many people will have retired parents (or dead!)
if your siblings don’t have kids then they have much fewer obligations.

50s is when rates of illness go up and increasingly you get people who are basically retired due to ill health.

i’m 48 and went to a school reunion recently - I’m retired due to ill health and I wasn’t the only one.

We do visit them in the holidays and do long walks. But I realised last summer that my mum actually pities me because I don’t have her squirrel-rich, countryside lifestyle, and that really pisses me off. I grew up on a farm, I know what both are like, and there are plenty of good things about living in the city (especially for the teens).

But you’ve worded your OP like you pity yourself too.

I'm a bit older, 57, but yes lots of our peers are retired or retiring in the near future. I'm very jealous but we have a teenager to get through uni too.
I'm hoping to retire at 60, but it might be 61, DH has no plans as yet.
We are mortgage free but all our spare money is being squirreled away for retirement.

I really feel for you. I'm in my early 40s, have two parents living at home, two teens/pre-teens, a partner, and I'm the sole provider for all of us. Honestly, I'm so tired of the little digs about never being home, checking my phone for work messages, being distracted by work, and so on.

What gets me is that we all live together. They can't not see exactly what my life looks like every day. They see me getting up, working, juggling everything, paying for everything. Yet somehow it still feels like they don't really understand the pressure of being the person responsible for keeping the whole show on the road.

Yes, I sort of think this too...

"Muggins here", but your life sounds pretty great! I'm not being snarky. I like my life too. I like working. I like living near london. I do not want to have to retire at 53 or 51 even and talk about squirrels.

Don't let them make you feel that your life isn't up to snuff when actually, I'd take yours over theirs!

now though people have to generally work past 60, does your dad realise the retirement age is 67
and people are still living longer

be the smug one still working op,

Okay so it's as much a general life choices thing where they can't and won't comprehend you've made different choices, some because of circumstance and some simply because you prefer to live that way. In that case they'll never get it and will only either pity you for not doing things their way or take it as a criticism of their way that you wanted something different. Cutting the comments short is the only way really - You should retire - we can't afford to and don't even want to. The newspaper says - i don't care what it says, that's not how it is for us. Squirrels blah blah - how nice for you, city life blah blah. Or a cover all - isn't it good how we're all different in life, could get (even more) boring otherwise!

How has the situation arisen that you are the only one carrying the family?

I assume your parents are retired - do they have pension/income to contribute to their living costs?

why doesn’t your husband work? Is he a stay at home parent / carer for your parents?

Husband works part time and has an invalidity pension. It's all there in the OP.