AIBU to feel out of step as the only one still working?

[Wofflewaffle]

Aibu to feel out of step with my family?

At 53 I’m the only one left working full time.

My parents retired early (at 58 / 60) and live an idyllic life in their country house.
My sister walked away from a stressful job last year. The fact that she doesn’t have children and has married a richer, older man means that she will not be going back to work, and is effectively retiring aged 51.
My DH had a burnout last year. I don’t think he will ever be the same, but he’s better. He has gone part time (50%) with an invalidity pension to made up most - not all - of the difference.

And muggins here carries on working 42 hours a week (full time compressed into term time) and trying to support / parent / fund two teens through school and uni.

i don’t grudge them (maybe I do) but what I’m finding really difficult is that we seem to have so little in common now. All they talk about are expensive improvements on their big homes / gardens (we rent a city centre flat), the latest wildlife that they’ve spotted (if I hear one more red squirrel story I might 🤯), the long country walks that they do, the sauna they are planning to build, etc etc. I plaster on a smile and try to care. When they do ask about my life, it’s really hard not to be snippy about it - the truth is that it’s a grind. When they ask about work, there’s no real interest - it’s more like ‘poor Woffle, such a hard life.. oh look another squirrel! 🐿️

My dad keeps asking when we’re going to retire ‘because every year you work after 60 is 5 years off your life you know Woffle’. Like I have a choice! Two kids still to put through uni, a recently reduced income and me being the main breadwinner? I’m going to be working for a long time to come.

The post wasn’t talking to the OP though

My parents came from a different country (y out of necessity rather than choice) and have zero earning capacity here, or existing assets / pensions. My partner can't work due to health issues and previously did manual labour. So there isn't really anyone else bringing in an income.

I have a good income and a large enough house to keep everyone under one roof comfortably. I don't want sympathy, and I certainly don't think I'm some kind of martyr. I'm just sooooooo bloody tired.

The only person in this scenario who seems be be against the norm is your sister. But her life is different, she has now children, which means you’ve made different life choices and you can’t resent her for that.

Your husband still works, your parents are past retirement age. My mum also talks about her yoga class, her gardening etc she’s allowed to talk about her life without worrying it might be upsetting to me, who works and isn’t able to do a 10am yoga class. It wouldn’t be cool for her to keep asking when I’m stopping work, so your dad needs to stop that. Just tell him it upsets you and ask him not to. But it’s not exactly unusual to be far from retirement at 53! Many 53 year olds still have young ish children!

I'd have a lot less to do with them OP, they sound smug, boastful and hard of understanding.
Squirrels and home improvements are nice but come on, it's not enough to fill a life and it's rude to go on about it to others. No-one is interested in someone else's home improvements, unless they want to do the same to their own property and are seeking recommendations.
And of course you are still working, how could you not be with kids to put through university and a sick husband. Are your family that dim they can't see that?

I wonder what necessitated them coming from another county with no assets and no way of supporting themselves.

Oh, so they are the kind of people who say that if young people just stopped buying a coffee from Costa or Starbucks, they would be able to afford a house deposit. That kind of ignorance would drive me mad.

War and the reduction of their city to rubble.

I like visiting the countryside but couldn't live there. And city life has many, many advantages for teens. Maybe go on about that at length, and then about how difficult it is to get health care staff to fill jobs in rural areas and it's a real worry for the future, if they don't pack it in.

Same here. Aged 58 but still have kids at Uni. half my friendship group ( friends from school age) are either retired with great pensions, part time or term time so get a lot of time off. I am between jobs at the moment so have a couple of months off and it's been great, just wish I could retire for good.

I think this is what winds me up - they can’t be this blind surely? My parents are nearly 80, I think they are just getting a bit oblivious to ‘real life’ outside their own bubble. My sister is a very caring lovely person. She’s also deeply anxious and sensitive, and I’ve always been the ‘steady’ one of the two of us. I think I’ve always felt the need to protect her which is why when she says things like ‘isn’t there any way that DH can just stop working?’ I find it hard to be blunt and point out that actually we have two kids to feed, clothe and get through uni and we have nothing like the pension pot that BIL has amassed so no, DH can’t just stop working because he’s finding it hard going. It feels a bit cruel to be so direct, and I think she would perceive it as an attack.

Maybe honest but breezy is what I need to aim for?

Oh I don’t know? Climate change, natural disasters, war, torture, death threats?

I'm not sure what it is that you actually want. You talk about them like they have empty lives you wouldn't want, talking about nature and renovations. But you also seem to resent them for having the life you don't want.
There's nothing unusual about a woman your age having retired parents, it's completely normal. A woman your age with a semi-retired DH isn't all that unusual either. Nor is retired people talking about what they do in their free time, even working people talk about what they do in their free time, which could include renovations and nature. Would you rather they acted like they were miserable to prevent any possibility of you feeling resentment?

No where else in the world for them to go, only to the UK? With no assets and seemingly no way of supporting themselves.

I wonder if your DS would trade places to have DC like you @Wofflewaffle.
Everyone is different. You know what they say Comparison is the thief of joy .

My sister is a very caring lovely person. She’s also deeply anxious and sensitive, and I’ve always been the ‘steady’ one of the two of us. I think I’ve always felt the need to protect her which is why when she says things like ‘isn’t there any way that DH can just stop working?’

You're enabling her sensitive nature! Be truthful with her, stop protecting her because she is anxious and sensitive! Amazing how sensitive she can be giving up work and being supported by a rich husband! I would bloody love to be that sensitive and anxious that I had to give up work!

Plenty of my colleagues have retired in their fifties. I work for the NHS though and it seems to be the thing to do. Many of them come back to work part time. I'm 59 this year, I will not be retiring early (weeps into her tea).

Sounds like I'm in the minority here but I am 53 and will be working full time for many years. I’ve got a mortgage until forever as I’ve just bought ex H out of our place. Two DDs still at uni. Everyone I know is in a similar position tbh, I don’t feel like I’m different.

One of my colleagues- same age- has just increased her hours to full time.

Lucky for me, I love my job 🙂

At 60, I may be able to reduce to 4 days depending on pension I can draw down.

And yes to the pp who said some people in their 50s still have school age children. I have 2 friends who had a baby at 40.

Your post really resonates with me, OP. I got divorced a couple of years ago and have had to completely start again in my 50s. I moved to a new area because I couldn't afford to stay in my home area, so people I meet don't know me and I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked if I'm retired. I want to say, "No, I'm bloody not, I've just taken out a 17-year mortgage and I'll be working til I drop, thanks!" The thing is, like you, I'm not sure I'd want my life to consist of shopping and going out for coffee and pottering about in the garden, but it's also not easy working full-time as you start to age and get health problems, and sometimes it would be nice to be able to sack off when DCs come to stay or whatever, but my time's not my own so I can't. So I really sympathise with the mixed feelings as well as with the annoyance. It's true that we're the normal ones and early retirement isn't really that widespread, and also that there are pleasures in keeping mentally and physically active with work and city life, but it's hard not to make negative comparisons when people are basically insisting on doing that for you. I think in your shoes, when it's family and you can't avoid them, that I would be a bit blunter tbh, even with your sister. There's no reason why you have to be everybody's sponge, absorbing all the thoughtless behaviour. But I do feel for you, and you're not alone.

you’re making me think.

i think what i would like is for them to ask about my life without assuming that i must be desperate for it to be different (more like theirs). To ask questions about my work, to show some genuine interest. Work is where I spend a massive chunk of my time atm - and none of them are interested because they have moved on in their own lives. And while I do enjoy it and hanging out with my colleagues etc I’m not ultimately doing it for me - it’s definitely a job, not a vocation. I’m doing it so that DH can go part-time which is what he needs, and so that our children can have opportunities similar to those I had growing up. Maybe I’m looking for a ‘well done Woffle’.

that’s sad isn’t it, I probably want to be patted on the head for being so self sacrificing 🙄 and nobody is noticing how noble I am being 😂

You’re only 53, your parents were still working at your age. You don’t know what could happen in the next few years or when you’re 60, though I think retiring at 58/60 is quickly getting less and less common.

You never know what may happen in life, your sister may split from the older man or need to go back to work for some other reason. Working at 53 is not abnormal, most people that age will still be working.

Similar situation in my family, all much more wealthy than me, and my husband hides his finances while I’m in debt and he plans to move abroad to retire .

I am in a situation where both of us don't work due to ill health . Been building up for awhile so money is very tight as income was cut short . And it is mind numbingly boring as hell . I wish I could have worked longer . Most of my contemporaries are approaching or have retired but they are enjoying the results of their previous hard work and are comfortable.
Your parents have benefitted from an unusual set of circumstances not necessarily by virtue of their hard graft . Just sheer luck so it's unfair to compare. Your sister the same . The person she married could equally have been an average wage earner . Just circumstances. And being childless isn't always a great option . You will hopefully have your family around you to support and love you . I am sure they appreciate you . Your other family should at least be more sensitive but at 80 unlikely to change . Ignore ignore.

Sorry - I hadn’t noticed that daisyfallout had also posted her origin story - I will search through her posts

It must be bloody exhausting. And I think it’s okay to want a bit of sympathy.

having the responsibility of every bill rest solely on your shoulders is stressful- there is no safely net.

I hope they at least do the housework and cook dinner!

It's not sad. The grind is hard! It sounds like you'd be bored with their kind of lifestyle though so being resentful of them is pointless. Put yourself out there, tell them about work, tell them you're knackered with it all but don't have the option to reduce your hours because you need the money.