To not remind him about sports day (or every bloody thing)

[StevieNic]

DH hasn’t bothered to subscribe to the school newsletters/ apps, has no idea even when school holidays are and I have to remind him constantly when he’s on childcare duties (according to the schedules I manage and agree with him), he’s always frustrated and surprised the day before as if I haven’t reminded him regularly. I work full time too so can’t cover them all.

He also has no idea about any events like non uniform, nativity etc. He doesn’t open out sons medical appt letters but leaves them for me and has no idea when they are.

I’ve told him when sports day is twice not but know he hasn’t written it down and won’t remember since it’s outside his own sphere of interest (his work and general self). I’m tempted to not mention it morning of then just leave the house and walk to the school on my own, and say I assumed he wasn’t coming since he didn’t come out of his office.

Before anyone asks I did buy a wall calendar but I was the only one updating it and he didn’t bother looking at it.

Do you both work? Or are you a SAHP?

One of my old school teachers used to say, "you have not forgotten X, you couldn't be bothered to remember".

I think that sums up you DH OP.

I'm not sure how you get him to bother remembering.

If it won't bother the kids too much yeah I would definitely do it and if he gets pissy with you about it afterwards be sure to tell him why. He's a grown man, you're not his secretary, you're not the timetable (so he has no business getting frustrated with you because he doesn't like when something is) and you have enough jobs. There's a calendar, you kindly go to the bother of filling it in. He should get one reminder, and if he was behaving with a bit of style he would be fucking grateful. But they never are. It suits them to lump you in with the kids as some sort of time sink that gets in the way of Mr Career instead of their wife and family, a collection of human beings with needs and wants of their own who they have actively and enthusiastically participated in creating a life with (till it required some work)

Give the school his work email or forward everything you're sent to it.

We have a family Google calendar all accessible on our phones. Any information is immediately put into the calendar by whoever knows what is going on. This included the children from teen years for going out, birthdays for mates so things like bowling, need a lift. We would all sit together and look ahead at the month and then weekly too so everyone was aware what was going on. That also meant the children could see things like either Dh or I going out with friends and parents coming to visit or us visiting them. No surprises.

From this moment on I would be telling him he needs to show up for his children and that included paying attention to all aspects of their lives, medical, school, friends.

Dh did attend every sports day because parents are only invited to primary school ones, never secondary and he came to every swimming gala which was just 2 per child because that was just 2 events a year but couldn't do the more frequent stuff like assembly. He could tell you everything about his children, their best mates, their favourite meals, everything.

I would point out it makes him a shitty Dad to not engage with this sort of stuff. Google calendar has reminders that can be set and repeats so you don't have to transfer birthdays every year and you can be reminded to buy cards/gifts for someone.

Do we have the same husband? I could have written the same. We have a wall calendar up which I write every single thing on but he doesn’t take any notice and will act surprised when I say there is a school thing on or similar

Just go alone op and tell your dc the truth.
This would annoy me to piling point.
Your dh needs to grow up. Start opening letters, reading them and diarising dates instead if leaving all this menial work to you.
You are not his paid PA.

Does he work from home? If so I think it would be a bit odd if you didn’t at least pop your head in the office and say “walking to sports day now, you coming?”
if he doesn’t work from home then yea no more reminders needed IMO

Wall calendar. Mark his duties on it - show him the system.
Leave it to him.

The only answer (other than divorce) is don't remind him, let him miss out. He's not bothering because you are rescuing him. Maybe he won't bother even then. It will be hard though for your DC.

Childcare duties- that was all I needed to read
A helpful parent who loves their partner wouldn't see this as duties and would just help and share the load.
He is not, sounds selfish

How old are your children and would they be upset by his absence?
Yeah you shouldn't need to keep reminding him but for something that is important to the children then I would talk to him again about making sure he knows when events are and putting them in his calendar when you remind him.

Nooooo! Good lord, at some point, people need to grow up, make a bit of effort and take some responsibility.
This approach keeps enabling that poor behaviour.

Yes fuck him.
In fairness my ND husband is like this and can get so wrapped up in work he totally forgets kids stuff. So he has a bunch of alarms on his Alexa - 2:45; get ready to get DS2, 3pm; leave for DS2, 4:45pm (Tuesdays) take boys to rugby etc.
we also have a running WhatsApp that he checks once a day. If he hasn’t checked it by 2pm, I can call him and get him to look at it.

Blatant advertising.

Reported.

I’ll guess that this is the tip of the iceberg of a load of other unhappy issues @StevieNic ?

I disagree (obviously 😀 )

Signing him up to the school newsletter would be one last action/prompt from OP, rather than dragging on this frustration forever while he keeps pretending he doesn't know anything that's going on.

No more being his go-between, he'd have exactly the same information she does without her having to be involved at all any more.

All she would ever need to say if he complained about not knowing or missing things is "check your fucking inbox".

Depending on how old your DC are, I’d be tempted to get H to explain why if he doesn’t show up.

Even if he doesn’t go, I think he should still know when sports day and other school events are so he can ask them about it and show interest in their lives and what’s important to them.

What's that got to do with it? The job of a SAHP doesn't include secretarial services for your strategically incompetent husband.

Weaponised incompetence.