To not remind him about sports day (or every bloody thing)

[StevieNic]

DH hasn’t bothered to subscribe to the school newsletters/ apps, has no idea even when school holidays are and I have to remind him constantly when he’s on childcare duties (according to the schedules I manage and agree with him), he’s always frustrated and surprised the day before as if I haven’t reminded him regularly. I work full time too so can’t cover them all.

He also has no idea about any events like non uniform, nativity etc. He doesn’t open out sons medical appt letters but leaves them for me and has no idea when they are.

I’ve told him when sports day is twice not but know he hasn’t written it down and won’t remember since it’s outside his own sphere of interest (his work and general self). I’m tempted to not mention it morning of then just leave the house and walk to the school on my own, and say I assumed he wasn’t coming since he didn’t come out of his office.

Before anyone asks I did buy a wall calendar but I was the only one updating it and he didn’t bother looking at it.

I wouldn't remind him. If DS asks about his absence, I would say that you reminded him twice so you don't know what happened.
It sounds a bit harsh, but if you always protect this grown man, he will never learn to behave in an adult way. I'll bet he doesn't have this kind of problem at work.

I voted YANBU because your husband is clearly neglectful, selfish, useless etc when it comes to family scheduling. However, I would not choose to die on the hill of failing to remind him about sports day. What benefit is there in your children being made aware that he doesn’t care sufficiently about them to keep track of stuff that matters to them?

This aside, however, you need to fund a way of simplifying family schedules so you are not permanently resentful and having to remember everything all the time. I’m not tech savvy so cannot advise, but there must be some system that might work for you.

I would also pull him up on this every single time. Don’t allow him to bumble along in the steadfast conviction that he is not falling short and failing his children.

You need to have a proper conversation about this. I actually managed to get my husband to read the book wife work and the penny dropped. But a conversation with your husband about what kind of parent he wants to be. Too many dads think by providing financially they've done their bit and it's not true. It's likely he'll be very defensive about it all so it's a challenging conversation but necessary.

This is about their mutual child and op has reminded him twice, how many more times do you think is reasonable even when op knows he will not thank her either.
Why are you advocating for a father that refuses to take an interest in his own childs life?

What's the point of the marriage? He's openly not interested in his child and happy to dump everything on you.

Presumably your child would be disappointed if their dad wasn't there.

Address it separately before sports day. Don't drag you child into it.

Even when op reminds him he reacts in a negative way, he doesn't thank you for closing the gap in his incompetency so why is that? I tend to think he is trying to indirectly train you to not remind him because he doesn't care and or thinks anything child related is soley your domain and how dare you expect him to bother, he has more important man things to do.

Why is it on the Op? I was primary email contact for school but everything with email attached was put in family calendar.

Nope. It’s not on you to do his thinking for him. The only way he’ll learn is if he suffers some unpleasant consequences.
And yes as PP said, you’re a single parent, may as well make it official.

Have you had a sit down conversation about this? Laid out all the information you have here, laid out for him how he has completely disengaged from his child and family life, takes no interest in what is going on, doesn’t add anything family related to his schedule, doesn’t help with any of it etc. A full adult conversation about how his behaviour is showing you that he does not care or love his family. He will counter that he works and provides money, and you rely that you also work full time, but you still manage to also put in a shift in “family work” whilst he does absolutely nothing.

I think it is time for a full and frank conversation where you lay everything out. And decide on a way forward - either he takes over half the tasks related to your joint child. Or you consider if this is the right family for you to remain in.

So how many more times do you think that the OP should remind him about the same thing?

What a useless fucking father

Is he actually bothered if he misses stuff due to forgetting? @StevieNic?

Funny how every woman’s “strengths” turn out to be all the tedious mindless shit that men can’t be arsed with. Isn’t Mother Nature clever 🙄

He’ll end up like all the other mid 50 men who were carried by the wife, alone and single.

They are pretty much yearly, though. Not exactly taxing.

Most blokes would need prompting to do the boiler one tbh, though they would enjoy being the man in charge once the engineer is actually there. The car one…his own car, sure, and he probably wouldn’t consider it anywhere near as boring as packing a school bag every single day or remembering his children’s dental appointments.

A handful of things required once a year vs the everyday drudgery or keeping a family
home rubbing, a child attended do, school and medical dealt with. Yeah… if that’s your marriage then it’s a shit marriage. Stop with the trad wife bullshit. It won’t fly on mumsnet.

Is he a good husband and dad in every other way?
My husband isn't as bad as yours but its mainly my job to sort all the stuff you mention which is fine by me. We work as a team and he pays all the bills, insurance, car etc