To not remind him about sports day (or every bloody thing)

[StevieNic]

DH hasn’t bothered to subscribe to the school newsletters/ apps, has no idea even when school holidays are and I have to remind him constantly when he’s on childcare duties (according to the schedules I manage and agree with him), he’s always frustrated and surprised the day before as if I haven’t reminded him regularly. I work full time too so can’t cover them all.

He also has no idea about any events like non uniform, nativity etc. He doesn’t open out sons medical appt letters but leaves them for me and has no idea when they are.

I’ve told him when sports day is twice not but know he hasn’t written it down and won’t remember since it’s outside his own sphere of interest (his work and general self). I’m tempted to not mention it morning of then just leave the house and walk to the school on my own, and say I assumed he wasn’t coming since he didn’t come out of his office.

Before anyone asks I did buy a wall calendar but I was the only one updating it and he didn’t bother looking at it.

God no. He probably remembers more than me! He handles boiler servicing, annual bills…. I just mean if it’s something that I need to make sure he remembers then I’d set a reminder in Google calendar same as he would if he’d put something in the calendar that he needed me to remember. We’re a team and pull together to make our lives work!

Marriage and parenthood are not about outsourcing the bits you believe are beneath you to the spouse you've designated as the secretary in your big, inflated head.

Why would he behave like this? The answer is 'because he feels entitled to the unlimited free labour of another person and doesn't understand the meaning of the words "partnership" or "parent"'.

My DH never attended sports day for either of our children. My own DF never attended any of mine/my siblings either. My children didn’t care and were only bothered that they could come home early! I wish I could have had a excuse not to attend.
I would send him a text reminder, then he can’t say he doesn’t know.

Sorry, what?! You’re comparing three annual tasks with the constant care and monitoring of activities and requirements of two children?

Then maybe the father needs to see and experience the disappointment. It will carry on the same otherwise.

We've got a shared Google calendar that all the family can access, so everyone knows what's going on. Then in a Sunday, over the dinner table, we sit as a family to go through the calendar so we all k iw whats happening the following week.

Well you’ve essentially got an extra child haven’t you. Ick.

“The calendar is on the wall, not up my vagina so there is absolutely no reason you can’t make yourself aware of what is going on, you know, like a functional adult. I will no longer be playing secretary to you, so sort yourself out.”

o yeah, cos misery loves company, doll

If your child is disappointed then it’s on the dad. He can use his work calendar so he’s not inept, he just can’t be bothered. I know it’s rough but maybe his kids getting upset will get him to take stock. You’re not his secretary.

Gosh. Someone really had a bee in their bonnet about this one. 🐝

With working parents and regular state school education, it's really an only one parent can manage to attend situation for the most part. You need to sort out between you which parent. I don't think there's much of an expectation that 2 parents attend.

DS was briefly at a private school. From age 7 - Yr 3 - the sports day was some sort of ridiculous and utterly ludicrous all day event at a university sports ground. Super weirdly children arrived for the day and were fed and looked after by their family who were - wait for it - responsible for them getting to their races on time. Bonkers and most definitely the majority of families did not have both mum and dad wasting a day off on this nonsense.

Yes remind him, better for the family, including kids, and fairly often one partner is better at remembering things than the other. Might be dates/tech etc. Or put it on Cozi and set alerts, if you don't like speaking to him.
Don't think my dad remembered any sorts of dates like this, but thanks to my mum, us kids never missed out because of it, and we got to have a great relationship with our parents. The world's miserable enough, without making it worse just to make a point.

If only these children's father was as mindful of not disappointing them as posters are.

You've reminded him twice and he has refused to sign up to the newsletter. If he forgets and disappoints DC, that is on him and him alone.

Sadly this is not always true. My ex made the clever move of getting into a relationship with his PA so now he has someone to pick up his slack and run his life at home as well as at work. Still they have only been together a couple of years so still plenty of time for her to get tired of it.

You certainly would be eminently reasonable to not remind him. For me this would depend on how much it would upset my child to not have him there. If it would really upset my child, I might remind him. If not, then I wouldn't. even then, I accept that I would be just papering over the actual lack of regard and love coming from my child's dad - hiding the truth from my child - but I'd probably do it for a young child. Still I suppose at some point the kid is going to have to realise that they are not a priority for their father.

This.. funny how they remember everything that interests them. I am going to pinch this btw " and won’t remember since it’s outside his own sphere of interest" and probably use it in the not too distant future. Thanks!

Yeah, not remind him. Like others have said, if your little one would like dad to be there then perhaps remind him (yet again) on this one, but if you little one not even slightly bothered, don't!

My husband is pretty useless with planning and admin, it has been driving me nuts, especially after having children.
Our solution now is that we’ve started doing a “ planning meeting” on Sundays where we together plan the dinners and go through what’s on in the next week. He writes down what he needs to remember in the calendar and every evening he looks to see what on the next day.
I guess if your DH won’t even look at the calendar this won’t help you though..

edited to say not to remind him unless it would really upset your child

I would mention on the morning, are you walking with us for sports day or similar. Just because if you don’t your child misses out. But I wouldn’t remind him. And I’d stop reminding him generally. Just say “oh I’ll be home from work at 6 tonight so if you could start tea” so he knows your plans then it’s up to home to figure out his.

Having to act as mother to a grown man is such a turn off.

I’d just message dh you’re a functioning human being. I will no longer remind you about anything in the kids lives except when you are required to look after them. I shall explain to them when they ask why you aren’t at their things that if you cared, you would be. I will no longer spend time and effort into fooling our children and others that you care when the truth is you know nothing about their sports, their concerts, their health and medical care, and I have assumed you don’t care about them. I shall share this view with your and my parents, that’s part of the bit where I no longer spend time and effort into presenting a false image of you as a functioning father. Incidentally, I am at their sports day now. It’s in the family calendar and if you cared about any of us you’d read it.

Mine does this, sends me a message Friday morning with the weekend schedule and I read and refine it for travel time, anything missed, any prep needed.

Is it normal for both parents to turn up to these things? When I has children that age, it tended to be mostly the mums.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing if more men go and are expected to these days.

But I'm sort of doubting that kids are going to be terribly upset if only one parent turns up. Practically, surely both parents won't always be able to get the time off. For my kids, sometimes it was me, sometimes it was their dad. One of us would be there.

So I don't think not reminding this guy would be a terrible thing to do to the children.

It's him that's missing out.