AIBU to tell my seven-year-old his birthday present in advance?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

It's my son's 7th birthday next week. I have a very weird situation - he doesn't like surprises and is crying on and off as he wants to know what his present is. I mean sobbing and shouting. He doesn't want the present now, but he hates surprises and wants to know what it is. AIBU to tell him??

Tell him!

I dislike surprises, even ‘nice’ ones - especially if they are revealed in front of other people and a reaction is required.

(I suspect I am also ND)

Tell him then he waits for it, simples. Why create drama and upset. It’s his birthday and you know you’re upsetting him already. So why drag it out? He’s going to see what it is eventually!

No don’t tell him, he needs to learn to be able to deal with the unexpected.

I’d have a chat and explore the issue further with him to find out what exactly he’s worried about and why it’s upsetting him (maybe he’s worried about being disappointed, for example).
Ultimately point out that you only want good things for him and there will always be things that happen which are surprising or unexpected but there are ways to deal with this and the more we practise unfamiliar situations, the easier it becomes.

Could you get him a small extra gift, tell him what that is and see if he’s then calmer?

I would tell. My DD has high levels of anxiety about her birthday for various reasons. I tell her what her main gift will be. If there’s something my kids have asked for that I know I can’t get them I’ll tell them that too. Birthdays should be fun, not a source of anxiety and not a “life lesson” opportunity.

Thank you all so much. That's the thing- I understand all points! I'm thinking why make him anxious but also he needs to learn to wait....so I can see sense for both arguments!

My children find surprises really anxiety provoking. We make a list - of specific items they’d love including colour and type to choose from (for example, this year my 5 year old wanted a bike. He chose from three on Facebook marketplace and we collected the one he wanted most). So they “know” what they are getting (with some variation). Eg. I reminded him his bike is for his birthday. If lists are long they know it’s not every item they’ll get. Christmas works similarly. They understand I share a list with family but that it’s a wish list, not an order and that sometimes people like to choose for themselves. Lists are price capped at about £20-30 max cost and anything bigger needs to be saved for or is their main gift from us. OR I very clearly tell them in advance that it’s not happening. The morning of birthdays we do balloons, a wrapped present, cake and make a fuss. They love it.

As an adult it’s also how we tend to work gifts between myself and my husband.

This. Birthdays aren’t the time for life lessons.

He’s 7, there are many opportunities for him to learn delayed gratification in his childhood. I’d not want his birthday to be a source of stress for him.

Maybe then tell him about one or two things.

After he’s opened the ones he didn’t know about, maybe a few days later you can chat to him and ask if it was actually a problem to open the ones which were a surprise- how did he feel about it? Was it a nice surprise? Can he see that he doesn’t need to worry about surprises next year?

I think it’s fine to tell him but what will you do about Christmas? You can tell him what his gifts from you are but is he likely to receive gifts from extended family, Father Christmas etc?

Do you suspect any neuro diversity or anxiety? My daughter has adhd and was highly anxious before her birthday and trying to know how to react to a surprise good or bad - it's not about greed or urgency but worrying about if she didn't react as the gifter expected- took us a long time to figure this out. It's probable that is also autistic and therefore find normal social interactions anxiety driven

i think you have two options / one is to talk to your son and see if you can figure out what's behind his worry - is it knowing how to react what if he dosent like it etc and then help him think though how he can manage this - being kind and polite even if he hates it and that it's ok to not love every gift and he's not ungrateful (Grandparents and others don't help) or two to explain that you love to surprise him and that it's a nice thing for both of you and shall we try it this year knowing that he might be a bit worried and for him to talk to you about how he's doing?

I would try to not tell him unless he really needs to know - and then yes that's the kind thing to do but try to figure out what's driving it first

He’s 7. You know surprises are stressful so of course your not being unreasonable to make sure there aren’t any big surprises.

DS is 16 and is similar so he always knows what his big presents will be. Little things like books he is fine with. I also check with him in advance if he wants presents wrapped or not, if he wants any balloons etc. It’s his birthday so I will make it as comfy for him as possible

It's his birthday ffs! The whole point of getting him a present is to make him happy and this situation is making him miserable.

Use literally any other opportunity to teach about dealing with the unexpected. If he knows he can't have it yet the issue isn't that he's being spoiled/impatient

My ND DD doesn't like surprise presents. I wouldn't get her a main present she hadn't asked for and if she asks in advance what her main present is, I will tell her. Life is hard enough for her without adding unnecessary restrictions.

I would tell him .Hes 7 FGS! Its not worth the upset.He should be looking forward to his day ,not worrying about it .DD the same felt anxious if she didnt know the present .He can have a look and just put it away for now surely?

He can wait for the actual present, but there’s absolutely no need to make it a surprise - we would often ask our kids what they’d like for birthdays so things weren’t always a big surprise. Surprises are often about the giver being gratified by the amazed reaction of the recipient, and if the recipient doesn’t like a surprise then it’s not nice for them. Presents don’t have to be surprises to be welcomed!

Oh really, it’s his birthday? Thanks for pointing that out 🙄

Did you miss the part where I suggested talking through his fears and trying to get to the bottom of why it’s making him anxious so that he can be reassured. I didn’t recommend saying “tough, it’s a surprise so deal with it”.

Talking it through is very good and sensible, but with an upset 7 year old and no real reason to keep the present a surprise, likely better to tell him what it is as well as talking it through. There’s no reason at all for birthday presents to be a surprise if the recipient doesn’t enjoy surprises, and you’re the giver of the present who can just tell him.

I dislike surprise presents generally. It’s not unusual and it’s normal.

I think you should tell him.whats the point of him being upset

My Dd was like this, she is a grown up
still isanyway when we realised she hated surprises we took her to choose or asked her what she specifically wanted and got her it , obviously if it was too expensive or a definite no she was told no she couldn't have it.

He will wait still for the present. Don’t make him suffer for something so small.

assume It’s something he wants ?

can you write a list of 8 things and say it’s one of them

Just tell him! I hate surprises too and find it stressful. Why make his birthday stressy when you can easily avoid it?

Or just tell him. How is it being a surprise an advantage to someone who hates surprises? It’s like saying “here’s a present but I’m making it upsetting for you as well”. There’s absolutely no need for it to be a surprise.