AIBU to tell my husband I want a divorce ( mentions SA )

[Abitlostreally]

Apologies in advance : this is painfully long.

'D'h and I have been married for 10 years, together for 20. 2 children. On paper he's the perfect husband - provides, loves us all, and does his share ( albeit thinking it makes him utterly a hero)

Basically in 2020 I woke up in the middle of the night to discover him having sex with me ( actual penetrative). I lay there , possibly frozen, in shock. He wasnt trying to wake me up, he was very careful to stop as soon as my breathing changed or anything . I lost my shit - explained to him thst it was rape and thst for me it was a leaving offense ( I grew up witnessing extremr domestic violence and was adamant id never accept it). He said all of the right things , and it didn't happen again ( thst i was aware of ) for years. In 2023 I woke up to find it happening again. Went nuclear , tried and failed to leave . He minimises , tells me that he cant help it, hes not aware of what he's doing. It's my fault because we dont/ didn't have sex.

I just need some people in my corner please. Im starting to feel crazy. He doesn't think its that bad, cant promise he won't do it again. I cant live like this .

I'm so sorry @Abitlostreally .
You are not crazy.
To cut to the chase - what's the situation financially and house-wise? You need to leave, and you need to leave safely.
You can and could involve the police but it might be early days to go nuclear.
The most important thing is to keep you - and the children of course - safe. How old are they?
💐 and a hug for you. Well done for posting.

So sorry you went through this, that's awful. I think some husbands minimize how serious it is because you are married, but it is in every way, SA.

Do you feel safe with him? If not, do you have anywhere to go to with the kids? Definitely find a solicitor, get their free advice and start making an exit plan.

It's rape there's no grey area with this. I am so sorry op I hope you can leave this abuser and rebuild from here.

What do you mean you tried and failed to leave, how can that happen?

he’s telling uou he will continue to rape you. So either you stay and accept it or leave; if you mean he is physically restraining you then call the police.

We have a house ( he is on the deeds but I am not ). Hes staying with a family member very close by at the moment . I have always been a SAHM, and thus financially dependent. I have recently started receiving PIP due to my neurological condition. Dc are 14 and 13.

Sorry if im seeming cold , I feel like the only way that I can even take these steps is by leaning into the numbness

Well he’s very aware of what he’s doing if he stops when your breathing changes. It is rape, and I’m sorry he did that to you. It is definitely grounds for leaving.

What happened the last time you tried to leave, and has something happened recently to make you want to leave now? Wishing you strength and confidence to make the right decision for you and your kids.

Thank you. He definitely minimises, and blames me for not being more sexual 🙄. I feel safe around him in terms of if we were in a room speaking i dont think he'd be violent to me - he has this perception of himself as A Good Guy, but i cannot share a bed with him without risking that he'd touch me/ rape me.
He is staying with a family member atm

You’re married so whose on the deeds doesn’t matter, the house is a marital asset to be split, along with any savings or pension arrangements. I don’t think you sound cold, you sound traumatised. One of the few benefits of the numbness that comes with trauma is that it can allow you to make decisions and keep yourself safe without touching the emotion that goes with it. It will catch up with you at some point, but it does allow you breathing space to be practical in the short term.

What do you need to put in place to be able to separate?

Thank you. He definitely minimises, and blames me for not being more sexual 🙄. I feel safe around him in terms of if we were in a room speaking i dont think he'd be violent to me - he has this perception of himself as A Good Guy, but i cannot share a bed with him without risking that he'd touch me/ rape me.
He is staying with a family member atm

Hi Fireside. So i did try to leave but honestly , it got talked round. I told myself that the children's happiness mattered more than shat was happening to me , that he was good in every other way, that maybe id been a bad wife so deserved it? There has been no physical violence but there has definitely been an erosion of my strength and trust in myself

Truthfully, I don't even know. I told him yesterday that I cannot carry on like this - the schism between what I know is right and what I'm trying to force myself to accept is huge. And damaging. I just feel currently like I'm incapable of managing without him. I feel weak homestly. And so betrayed

Truthfully, I don't even know. I told him yesterday that I cannot carry on like this - the schism between what I know is right and what I'm trying to force myself to accept is huge. And damaging. I just feel currently like I'm incapable of managing without him. I feel weak homestly. And so betrayed

Also I am so sorry about the double posts etc , I have never started a thread before and im certain not at the peak of my IT competency right now.

You absolutely have to split up with him for good. You cannot stay with a man who rapes you and doesn't even take responsibility for his actions. You talk about your children's happiness - what would you say to your child if they told you this was happening to them? You owe it to yourself and your children to end this now.

You need to get some legal advice as a first step. Do not share a bed with him ever again. So sorry this has happened to you. You can speak to Rape Crisis for support 💐

Thank you @whippersnapper55 . You're right and I do know this - i have allowed myself to get so lost when I really am not an idiot. Looking at it from the outside in it seems so clear, but then I lose my resolve - i guess I have been accepting that I just dont matter

Could you see a solicitor next week, OP?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

If your daughter told you this was happening to her what would you advise? Please leave him. Contact woman’s aid, and look into legal aid.

I know a guy got 5 years for this - being really mercenary, she also got no money - so be clear in your head if you report that this can be the outcome - and factor in ‘all’ things -put yourself first - Hes a total twat by the way!

@TheSquareMile I have spoken to somebody this morning and apparently I am eligible for legal aid so I have been given a list of local contacts who i will be calling on Monday morning . I think thst once I take that step it will be empowering - well, I am hoping so. I have been round it so so many times in my head that I think I have lost sense of the reality of the situation if that makes sense?

@Crikeyalmighty thats another thing I have been thinking about. Should I report him to the police? I dont want to ruin his life , and I dont want him to be unhappy. But I also dont want this to happen to his next partner

Take advice on this from your solicitor, OP.

Well, you’ve had to find a way of living with a rapist, in the form of the person you should be able to trust the most. That takes a huge level of cognitive dissonance - which our minds go to because otherwise we’d not be able to function. It’s not your fault, you’re not an idiot, or deluded or any of those things - your mind is helping you survive while you’ve not been able to leave.

You’ll not be able to really process what this has done to you while you’re still living in it.

Whether you decide to report it or not, you’re not responsible for anything he might do to someone else. The only person responsible for his behaviour is him.

I really appreciate all of the advice and support - and the logic, which I may have lost sight of! It really is making me feel a little less alone and scared- thank you

He can’t promise that he won’t do it again? Fuck that! Get yourself and your children away from him.