To wonder why women accept financial inequality?

[OtterlyAstounding]

I see so many posts on here from intelligent women, working full or part time, who have (or had) no idea what their husband of a decade or more earns, had no clue he was a high earner, and who don't have access to his bank account while he does have access to hers.

Women who earn a quarter of what their husband does who pay half the expenses, or pay for everything for their shared children, or run out of money and watch their husband treat himself while she struggles. And not only that, but many of them seem to think that's reasonable and not completely fucked up.

Women should make sure they know their partner's income before they move in together – entirely reasonable, to plan budgeting. If or when joint accounts come up, then he should provide access to his accounts first/at the same time. She should always have a personal savings account (just as he can). And if a couple has children, then he should be paying for at least half of everything (although personally I think expenses should be divided equitably, not equally).

Why in this day and age, is financial control/abuse still so common amongst educated, employed women, and also so passively accepted as normal?

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about relationships where the husband is also abusive in other ways, although I do understand the different types of abuse frequently intersect. I'm more thinking of relationships where he's a selfish twat who doesn't pay for things/share his money, but isn't otherwise abusive. Although perhaps financial abuse is always a sign of other abuse...?

I can't really comment per say, my partner and I are currently in the process of buying a house together so I do very very much know exactly his financial situation 😳

I've never really understood relationships here everything is separate and people don't know what income is coming into the house.

With my parents my mum ended up being a SAHM, but my dad has never ever restricted money or kept info from her (I mean hell that woman is soooo damn financially literate and I'm envious I didn't inherit that from her!) , in fact though my dad was the breadwinner my mum was always the one in the know of family spending!

All I can think of is some women want their partner as a father figure and yes some woman have the intelligence level of a teenager

There are still many women who thinl women's roles are caring and men do all thinking

I've never really understood relationships here everything is separate and people don't know what income is coming into the house.

I don't get this either. My DH and I have always pooled our money - there's no 'his' and 'mine', it's all just ours.

My MIL is a lot like your mum - she was mostly a SAHM, but she's definitely the one who handles most of the finances and budgeting, with my FIL being informed but happy to leave it up to her, as she's much better at it!

Ahh, that's true - there does often seem to be an element of 'father figure' dynamic in those situations.

I imagine men are just as likely to be immature when it comes to money (if not more so), but as studies show, men are more likely to overestimate their abilities and women to underestimate, so I guess the men still end up in charge more often.

I don’t know think it must be partly the maternal instinct. I wanted to buy things for my child with my own money since they were born. Prior to the birth we never discussed who would pay for what. And now it’s established a pattern where I pay for everything for years on end, despite a much lower salary for our child, and looking back OH never even expressed curiosity over how child’s clothes etc were paid for!

probably also stems from wanting ownership over decisions on what was bought for child and compounded by both of us having having separate bank accounts ( I wouldn’t want to ask for money for child’s shoes for example I’d rather get on and buy them myself).

however my mother and her mother each had relationships where there was only one main earner the husband, and all the wages went into the one bank account a joint account, so it was probably never questioned that all family outgoings would come from that family account. And the money was managed as part of overall household responsibilities along with housework etc…..

Maybe it’s a bit mean but the thing I often wonder is I can understand having one baby in a bad relationship (sometimes we can all hope things will improve and we want a family even if things in relationship not great) but I often wonder why women who bear all the financial and household cleaning, life admin load for their children despite being married, with little support from their other half, then go on to have a second or third baby!

Agree, OP. I've always taken the view that marriage is a partnership and money earned goes into the partnership pot. Then when women have kids they continue to have access to the pot. At that point their financial contribution may become less but they are contributing childcare etc. which is equally valuable.
We should expect nothing less.

If you are married you own half of everything.

Yeah we have a spreadsheet where we track out goings and pay in a ratio based on wage so we both have the same money left.

Simple. I don't.

I continued my career after ds was born rather than going part time. I would never rely on a man for money or security. Financial and career independence are the only real protections against future poverty.

I paid into my pension since I was 22.

I refused ex's requests to borrow money when we were together because it was running through his fingers like water. A man with two cars, who can afford membership of an upper class sports club, does not need to borrow money, he needs to stop wasting it.

When we split, that meant I could buy ds and me a house without issue. I simply continued my career. Ex became irrelevant. Thank God I never relied on him because since then his financial house of cards has collapsed. His current wife faces old age in poverty.

Women need to stop believing in the fairy tale. Husbands do not automatically know more about money. Statistically, men take more risks making them a poor choice to run household finances. They are generally lazier and more selfish (not all, I know) and when a relationship fails they can get as nasty and mean spirited as anyone else.

But if the husband is building up gambling debts or has used the house as surety on a business loan that goes wrong, then half of everything can still be zero and poverty.

Relying on the principle "I'll get half" is one of the most foolish ideas I see regularly trotted out on Mumsnet. If you aren't in full possession of all your joint financial information on a monthly basis, you are no less vulnerable.

Not legally you don’t.

I find this odd too. BIL and SIL have been married for 15 years have a 12 year old child and yet have no idea how much each other earns and how much they each have in savings.
We’ve always put everything in one pot, I earned more at the start and now but DH earned more when the children were little. I generally do the finances but make sure he’s aware and that we have equal savings and pension.

I really have no idea why women tolerate any sort of abuse. I'm sure there are many factors to it and it's very sad to me. I have never not known my DH income. The first thing he did, when we were married, was add me to his current account. I remember him marching me to a little corner Lloyd's bank and the pride in his face when we had a joint account in shared names. So cute. We always consult one another on large purchases but, not because we think we have to, but just to make sure we're not individually planning large purchases at the same time which means one would have to wait etc.

Marriage is a partnership and I'm not sure too many understand what that truly means.

But some of these men don’t give access to their accounts. The woman is struggling day to day providing for kids on a quarter of the money he makes and he spends on himself. I think this is a TAAT from this week where the woman had bought everything for their baby.

No, this is something I've seen mentioned on a lot of threads, actually - although I did see that thread. The reason I made this post was because it seems much more common than I'd have thought. And I do wonder how, absent of any other abuse or control, women end up in a position where they have no idea what their husband makes etc, and often don't even seem bothered by that.

I think it's important for women to be proactive and start as they mean to go on - making sure they're informed of their boyfriend's income when they decide to move in together, and figuring out how they'll divvy up expenses. One pot together, or separate with a shared joint that they pay into equitably, etc.

@DryadsRest Agree! You often never know what a man is really like until you've had a baby together...but if he's useless after one baby, having a second won't fix him! I don't understand that either, but I suppose it's the sunk cost fallacy in action.

As several pp on this thread have said, I think it makes the most sense to combine incomes - it seems strange to me to be willing to share children but not finances. One is a far more major decision than the other!!

But I do see that sometimes it's important for the woman to have her own savings, especially if her husband can't be trusted with money. Or if married later in life, keeping one's own accounts and also sharing a joint account seems sensible too.

I always remember how my grandparents did it - my grandfather was the breadwinner, and took pride in providing his family with all the necessities, although they worked out the budgeting together - and while my grandmother worked part-time, her wages were considered 'her' money to save or spend on whatever she liked.

It's just shocking to see how often the topic of financial control/abuse comes up here. Somehow I'm unsurprising by domestic violence, but the number of feckless, selfish, financially withholding men is unexpected.

I out earn my DP but we go halves on everything. The reason for this is he would not work given half a chance and would be a famous cocklodger so I have to force his hand. He could earn the same as me but can't cope with normal stress and is relying on being rich any day soon with his dad's money which is in trust. There is no way I'm supporting any man whilst also doing the kids etc.

I think some women are happy to be looked after, and so don’t really question the situation as long as it’s all working in their favour.

It’s only when it’s not, it becomes an issue.

We pool everything, but we are also on a first marriage and all the kids are ours. I imagine with a second marriage and maybe children from both sides separate finances might be more reasonable, due to the need to protect both sets of children financially in the event the relationship doesn't work out.

I understand your argument and have always tried to stay near financially equal to my partner but things like the cost of childcare are a huge factor

Oh I know op
Ive got a mate who's DH gives here so little money she's always selling old stuff for pocket money for herself. He earns a massive amount - like 3-400k depending on bonuses. She's a sahm and he does nothing with the kids/at home.

That said, I know a few couples with school aged kids where money is really really tight because the mum is refusing to go back to work. They grumble their husband is cross if they spend more etc but in reality have their heads in the sand about thd family finances and how little there is for either to spend.

I don’t know. It makes me sad that in 2026 so many women are not financially literate. There’s so much information out there via the internet than there used to be, there’s really not much excuse. I have many friends who don’t know how much their partner/husband earns and don’t want to and don’t care. They are happy to ‘ask’ their much higher earning spouse to transfer them money when they run out each month (this bit really makes me cringe), they think they don’t need a pension because ‘my husband has one so it’s fine’ but have no idea what is in the pension pot (some are unmarried so won’t have any right to it in a split or death), don’t even choose their own cars to drive because ‘my husband decides my car depending on cost’. Some have no option because the partner is controlling and won’t relent or agree to a different way. But many of my female friends seem to just have a total lack of interest in money management and can’t be arsed. Every time I get offered a new job, at point of offer I always ask for £2-3K more than the advertised amount. I’ve been given it every single time. Apparently this is a common tactic in men, but women don’t feel as confident in negotiating for more money. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves more financially.

It's a bit of a myth that women aren't confident enough to negotiate. Studies show they do but get turned down at a much higher rate than men.

I always remember how my grandparents did it - my grandfather was the breadwinner, and took pride in providing his family with all the necessities, although they worked out the budgeting together - and while my grandmother worked part-time, her wages were considered 'her' money to save or spend on whatever she liked.

But you must see that one of the biggest issues now is one wage rarely covers the essentials. Most families are poorer now, there's simply less spare money.

I don't actually know many families where dad vastly outearns mum any more, most women i know were in a professional job similar to their DH and returned to it full time once mat leave was over.