To wonder why women accept financial inequality?

[OtterlyAstounding]

I see so many posts on here from intelligent women, working full or part time, who have (or had) no idea what their husband of a decade or more earns, had no clue he was a high earner, and who don't have access to his bank account while he does have access to hers.

Women who earn a quarter of what their husband does who pay half the expenses, or pay for everything for their shared children, or run out of money and watch their husband treat himself while she struggles. And not only that, but many of them seem to think that's reasonable and not completely fucked up.

Women should make sure they know their partner's income before they move in together – entirely reasonable, to plan budgeting. If or when joint accounts come up, then he should provide access to his accounts first/at the same time. She should always have a personal savings account (just as he can). And if a couple has children, then he should be paying for at least half of everything (although personally I think expenses should be divided equitably, not equally).

Why in this day and age, is financial control/abuse still so common amongst educated, employed women, and also so passively accepted as normal?

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about relationships where the husband is also abusive in other ways, although I do understand the different types of abuse frequently intersect. I'm more thinking of relationships where he's a selfish twat who doesn't pay for things/share his money, but isn't otherwise abusive. Although perhaps financial abuse is always a sign of other abuse...?

Now a few years at home = the rest of your life?

Out of the people whose views I know on the subject, I haven't met a single person who thinks what you do.

Everyone I know thinks that all people should strive to be able to be financially successful and independent...but within a committed relationship, finances should be transparent and expenses shared equitably, and fathers should support mothers in what they think is best in regards to being a sahm/working part-time (as long as it's financially possible), or working full time and putting the baby in childcare.

If those couples are happy, why are you so het up?
Your choosing to read what you want. If you read my posts carefully, I said that that if both share the same values and principles, it's not an issue..,although it remains a risk.

You're the one who stated the thread!!! To say women shouldn't accept inequality! Either they are happy with it, in which case there are no issues, or they are not!!!

I made a thread about financial abuse, yes, and how it's sad how common it seems to be.

I can agree that it carries a certain degree of risk, which is why someone at home with a child should make sure they keep up their skills or some means of returning to employment within a reasonable time frame, if circumstances called for it. There are lots of ways to grow or maintain employ-ability without having to be officially employed.

Now a few years at home = the rest of your life?

I'm not the one who started the thread..... If a mother is off for 12 months and back at work earning fairly, it's much more unlikely there will be inequality, isn't there!

Inequality is much more of an issue when women stop working or only work very PT and then become dependent long term!

It's as though you think all couples earn equal amounts.

If you read my OP, I say:

I see so many posts on here from intelligent women, working full or part time, who have (or had) no idea what their husband of a decade or more earns, had no clue he was a high earner, and who don't have access to his bank account while he does have access to hers.

Women who earn a quarter of what their husband does who pay half the expenses, or pay for everything for their shared children, or run out of money and watch their husband treat himself while she struggles.

This thread wasn't about stay at home mums, or even maternity leave. It was about the things stated above.

Yanbu. I can’t imagine being in the dark about my husband’s salary and finances. I also can’t imagine a nitpicking arrangement over who pays for what, we’ve always had an attitude of what’s mine is yours - surely that’s what marriage is about.

Works both ways for either sex although let’s face it, very often it’s men having the upper hand financially due to women taking a step back in career to have/raise children.

I don't think we disagree overall, it is largely a difference in emphasis. But I do think the emphasis is important, and as a society, I want us to do more to ensure that young women are fully cognisant of the risks that they may be taking if they choose to be financially dependent on a man before they actually take them.

It's well documented that children adopted at birth experience trauma due to the separation from their mother.

12 months is nothing. That's still a baby. My own personal choice was not to consider any kind of care for a child other than my own care until they were at least 3 and able to tell me how it was going for them. The best decision for my child came first.

As you know as a single parent, life sometimes makes choices for you anyway. Sometimes you are forced out of the workforce by family needs, even if that wouldn't be your preference. Like when my child got very sick. Someone had to be there to take them to all the hospital appointments, often at last minute and unexpectedly, and take care of them day to day. When they died, someone had to be home to provide support to their grieving siblings ideally. At this point, it's become long term. I've done some work from home but no way am I an equal contributor. Am I happy with any of this? No. But thank goodness I have a husband who put the family first and is fair about it.

Being a single FT working mum with no child maintenance is your idea of true equality? Women doing it all alone is not equality, it's the complete opposite and is the issue that is being discussed in this thread.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I say this on a lot of threads but think women would benefit in the long run if we starred as we meant to go on and didnt put up with partners who didnt insist on sharing all the chores, didnt have babies with people without discussing shared finances first and if paternity leave was shared between men and women

This is just sound common sense ^

Oh yes, I'd say we're pretty much in agreement, sorry if I gave the impression otherwise! And you are right that it's important to inform young women before they take those risks, so they can take whatever steps they feel are appropriate for them, to mitigate the risks.

You sound like the father's wants are the only one that matters and trump the woman's
I made it very very clear on all my posts that it's about wishes equally considered. At no point have I ever posted father should have more of say. I don't agree with this in any case! I argue with those who say women's wishes come first!

I made a thread about financial abuse, yes, and how it's sad how common it seems to be
Because these women have made poor choices for themselves. Let's make sure their children don't.

Everyone I know thinks that all people should strive to be able to be financially successful and independent...but within a committed relationship, finances should be transparent and expenses shared equitably, and fathers should support mothers in what they think is best in regards to being a sahm/working part-time (as long as it's financially possible), or working full time and putting the baby in childcare
So we totally agree! But you've said before (or was it another poster), that because women carry the baby, their views and decisions should be final. That's what I disagree with.

We are going around circles.

If the woman and the man fully agree, whatever arrangements they have, all is good.

If they disagree, and that leads to inequality, then the woman has made a poor choice of partner or decision.

Yes, quite. Upon divorce, the law will divide assets from a 50/50 starting point but during the marriage there is no legal entitlement to half the collective assets. If there was, don't you think impoverished spouses (who wanted to stay married) would look to the law to enforce it? There is no such thing.

There is some presumption (for example things like universal credit) that income is shared. But all you can do to actually claim a share is get divorced.

@JLou08, stop twisting my posts, it's pointless. Being a single mum working was a consequence of the breakdown of the relationship, but my choice to work FT mean that I could support myself and my kids and give them a good life.

Just about everyone is at risk of being financially vulnerable, whatever the circumstances. What is i.potanr is to protect yourself against it.

The mean for protection is what has been helpfully highlighted here.

Ah, so financial abuse is...the woman's fault for choosing poorly? Hm.

But yes, this thread was me wondering why this financial abuse is still so common, and wanting young women to be more well-informed.

Nailed it

@JLou08, just add, there was financial inequality.....with my ex losing out! By continuing to work FT, I ended up with on a significant higher income after some years than my ex after separation. We earned exactly the same when I was pregnant.

Ah, so financial abuse is...the woman's fault for choosing poorly? Hm
I would never use the word 'fault'. It's a pointless word. But yes, she is responsible for not ensuring her financial stability in the first place.

But yes, this thread was me wondering why this financial abuse is still so common, and wanting young women to be more well-informed
Sadly I don't think it's the case, if anything I think it might be worse 😕

now, no one thinks that women have any kind of right to be financially supported in a family and yet a lot of the same stuff still applies. We still get paid less. We still get less respect at work. We still get expected to pick up everything at home. When you have kids at school you are treated as if you are endlessly free to do things with / for your kid at weird times like 11.30 am and yet NO ONE thinks it’s ok for women not to earn AND PAY FOR EVERYTHING
I really don't agree with that. Women have gained so many rights at work in the last 50 years. Yes overall women earn less but that's because of the ratio of PT working which comes with less responsibilities.

I want a word when men and women don't distinguish themselves when it comes to work/home ratio. They do exactly the same. We were getting there, but as this thread (and many others) are showing, women don't want that. They want to work PT and spend more time with their kids and for their husband to earn more and share equally, regardless of whether that's what men want.

Until women are prepared for their partner to do exactly the same, it's not going to happen.

My husband was self employed and I never knew how much he earned, I
paid all the day to day family expenses out of my wages, he paid for the house and utilities. Extras he paid for, no joint account, it worked well enough, I had what needed, the problem is for those that have a useless man, or illness and unemployment when there is a real strain on relationships

Because the baby wants the mother especially in the early months and you can't separate a woman from her baby