To wonder why women accept financial inequality?

[OtterlyAstounding]

I see so many posts on here from intelligent women, working full or part time, who have (or had) no idea what their husband of a decade or more earns, had no clue he was a high earner, and who don't have access to his bank account while he does have access to hers.

Women who earn a quarter of what their husband does who pay half the expenses, or pay for everything for their shared children, or run out of money and watch their husband treat himself while she struggles. And not only that, but many of them seem to think that's reasonable and not completely fucked up.

Women should make sure they know their partner's income before they move in together – entirely reasonable, to plan budgeting. If or when joint accounts come up, then he should provide access to his accounts first/at the same time. She should always have a personal savings account (just as he can). And if a couple has children, then he should be paying for at least half of everything (although personally I think expenses should be divided equitably, not equally).

Why in this day and age, is financial control/abuse still so common amongst educated, employed women, and also so passively accepted as normal?

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about relationships where the husband is also abusive in other ways, although I do understand the different types of abuse frequently intersect. I'm more thinking of relationships where he's a selfish twat who doesn't pay for things/share his money, but isn't otherwise abusive. Although perhaps financial abuse is always a sign of other abuse...?

Having seen far, far too many women who were SAHM get royally fucked over when the dreadful husband decides life would be better with 25 year old Tina from accounts, that was never going to be my choice. I have always been financially independent and financially literate. And it’s a good job, because DH is useless! He’s very good at making money but leaves the rest to me. He has no idea what we’ve got or where it is. I have an “in case of my death” folder which details everything because when I try to tell him, he just glazes over!!!

There’s a lesser known charity called Surviving Economic Abuse and it’s extremely informative about this sort of thing. When you read some of their case studies, you’ll realise that many women don’t even realise it is a form of abuse.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/

I relate entirely!! My husband glazes over too and it’s so bad that if I want to have a conversation with him about money,
I have to state in advance ‘Now try to stay with me and at least pretend to be interested’ But he’s kind and lovely and we share all finances and everything is open with equal access so I let him off.

You do have an idea why women tolerate abuse because you will have seen it explained in the news, films, book amongst your friends. Woman has poor self esteem and doesn't recognise a healthy relationship as never seen one to mirror etc etc . Throw in a huge dose of patriarchy and there's your answer

From the SEA charity:

Economic abuse can include exerting control over income, spending, bank accounts, bills and borrowing. It can also include controlling access to and use of things like transport and technology, which allow us to work and stay connected, as well as property and daily essentials like food and clothing. It can include destroying items and refusing to contribute to household costs.
This type of abuse is a form of coercive and controlling behaviour. It can continue long after a leaving and can have lifelong effects.
“Controlling or coercive behaviour is a purposeful pattern of behaviour that takes place over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another” – UK Home Office

Mine is the same, just extremely bad with anything admin related and leaves it all to me. At one point he was in a (financially) abusive relationship so he was very wary about joining finances, so we combined step by step.

We are now at the point where we have joined everything, apart from having our own fun money accounts. Works for us.

In some countries taxes are filed jointly, certainly in mine (the Netherlands), so it always surprises me to see this kind of situation on Mumsnet. I know exactly how much my DH earns and vice versa.

@Meadowfinch

similar story here. We had a joint account which we paid into for bills, he was permanently in overdraft on his own account and did his best to do that to the joint account (he did have undiagnosed adhd)

we split and despite him paying minimal
maintenance I was better off without him as he took more out of the family pot that he put in.

as I only took 6 months maternity I had continued my career and was able to buy him out the house on divorce. I did have to mortgage myself up to retirement to do it. He blew through all the equity money in a couple
of years (to give an idea of context was enough for about 40% of a 1 bed flat in outer London)

6 years on from divorce He is now living in a bedsit on benefits and I have had a couple of significant salary increases at work, increased pensions payments, built a savings nest and generally am in a far better position than I ever was married to him.

he had no grasp of handling money at all, whatever he has (or didn’t have) he would spend.

YANBU, I find it hugely depressing.

No, I don't really know because those things don't account for every instance.

Some people come from very loving homes and find themselves in abusive relationships, according to the news, films and books.

I haven't had any friends, that I know of, in abusive relationships, so that doesn't check out.

Despite all of that, it makes sense that not having a role model for good relationships could be a factor.

I put up with it for a while, but I never would again.

In my case, it was a situation I saw a lot in the people around me, and I honestly just thought it must be quite normal for huge amounts of couples. If anything, I hated myself for wondering why I found it so difficult to put up with when others were seemingly fine with it.

It took me six years (and him also becoming abusive in other ways too) to realise it didn't matter what others were putting up with, I had to make decisions about my own life.

And I kicked him out and frankly, have never looked back. The divorce was horrible, very long and drawn out, but I was able to show he'd never contributed a penny towards anything, and so I ended up keeping my home and pension intact, though I got nothing from him either. But that was ok. I was out, and able to actually start saving money etc and living my own life without him dragging me down.

It's hard to see it when you're in it, especially if it feels 'normal' to you. Or if you feel judged by others, but it's definitely worth making the break. Getting out was the best thing I ever did.

I guess because they want a second (or third) child and they weigh up the risks and benefits of divorce, starting a new relationship, bringing a stepdad into the house etc and decide that as long as the first guy is pleasant enough day to day there's not enough hope of getting a better one to make it worth the bother of replacing him.

Thank you for sharing!

So their need to have more children outweighs the children having a decent father?

Sometimes in here you see women saying "I paud for my own maternity leave out of savings because I am an independent woman, I pay my own way" and I would like to be able to convince all those women that they should be less concenred with demonstrating their independence and more concerned with being in a position where they would be in a good financial position were they to split - so let him cover the bills when you are on mat leave, don't scrimp and save to cover it yourself. Be in his business. Know how much money he has. Real independence is knowing that you'll be OK if you walk away.

Oh yes, I do understand that - but then surely a woman should expect to contribute equitably to the family finances, and have equal control. So while families might be poorer overall, you'd expect women to be more involved in the finances.

And I imagine women are statistically more involved in managing the finances than in the past, but the fact that in 2026 so many women will just happily accept that they have no clue what their husband makes and don't have any say in the money is crazy to me, when it's absent of any abuse/fear of him.

You can come from a loving home and still have poor self esteem, I don't believe you've never had it explained to you how women come to be in abusive relationships.

Yes, all the women on this thread who have made sure their DH can't fritter their money away are very sensible, imo. Although it's amusing that your DH chooses to know nothing about it. I suppose in cases where the husband/wife knows they're a spendthrift, it seems reasonable for them to let their other half handle the budgeting.

Another pp said it makes sense not to combine finances fully if it's a second marriage with children from prior marriages, and I agree on that too.

Yeah - I think it is pretty reasonable. I'm an only child, I don't love it. When you're in a marriage with a bit of a deadbeat (assuming he's pleasant enough to get along with day to day) and you have one mid your options are a) leave and don't remarry and be a lone parent to one child b) leave and remarry, give your child a stepdad and a half sibling or c) stay, have another kid, your kids are full siblings and you basically make up for his shortcomings. I can see why people pick a and b but I can also understand c. I think most of us on some level end up.putting up with our husbands, I'm sure there will be a few Not My Nigels who will put me right but the statistics on share of housework etc tell a different story.

I never did, I earned more than my husband did, in practice I paid for all the family costs he paid for the house utilities etc.

If you earn less then you don't have a choice, you accept that he subsidizes the family, thats not a problem if the relationship is good. The the alternative is to leave and then the state subsidizes you and he pays maintenence

Because they want more than 1 child

Because they're already tied to that man for life through their child.

Because they want their children to be full siblings.

Because they don't want to shuffle their children between different men every other weekend or negotiate holidays with more than 1 man.

Because they want their children to be with each other and support each other.

Because they don't want multiple grandparents to deal with.

Because, on balance, they would rather stay with that man and have some influence over and live with their children all the time.

Because they have not had an example of healthy relationships and are unlikely to get a good one a 2nd time around.

Because decent men are in short supply in their circles...

...and I could keep going, but I won't.

Because financial abuse often starts off so small that it’s unnoticeable then gradually escalates until women are in the situation you describe. And because he is not physically or emotionally abusing them, at least not in a way that is visible to others - the affects of financial abuse can be both, then she may not even know it’s abuse herself.

Not all women are able to voice this or change this or leave as they just cannot afford to do so, so they accept it 🤷‍♀️

I have been in a similar situation myself and it really does suck but things are slowly improving, kids are older, I have more earning potential etc but it doesn’t work that way for every woman

Sahm, ds1 autistic. I let dh take care of finances because ;

1. He's the only one with a salary and he had
2. He's very good with money; saves for us and is handling everything just fine
3. I think it's boring and he likes it.

I trust him with my life because he's a good man and father. If something would happen to him I would be capable of doing everything but until then we're fine. I think the problem is when the man is financially abusive/reckless/controlling. In my family my mum handled everything financial while both worked- she was the savviest one and liked to be in control. My dad was more than happy to let her because he would have spent it all on gambling/impulsive buys (probably adhd).

Good for you!! I'm so sorry that you went through that, but I'm glad you got out ❤

I can see how one could sort of...slide into that kind of situation, with things gradually ramping up, until before you know it your 'normal' is totally skewed, as you say. Like a frog in a pot of water, as they say.

I think perhaps there needs to be more messaging to young women about being mindful and well-informed about finances when they first go into a committed relationship, to avoid that kind of thing happening.

I also think what @Anycrispsleft said about paying for maternity leave is spot on! Men should at least be contributing. There's no need to 'prove' independence by not taking your partner's money, especially when they should be paying their share.

Oh yes - I think that partners who both work, and haven't just pooled all their finances should ideally make equitable contributions, not equal. So for instance, 80% of each of their wages. It seems fairer.

I think there’s a strong biological desire to have more than one and some women can’t imagine doing this with a different partner, they want their children to have the same dad so continue in the shit relationship.

I also think lots of women enjoy being independent and despite earning less are happy to pay their way equally (or even more) to maintain that.