AIBU to ask where the line is with swearing?

[TheBusyMoose]

I have just been reading another thread and the consensus seems to be that saying "go get the fucking cup" is likely to be frustration/tiredness etc and while not ok not that big of a deal. But I have read others where "fucking idiot", "fuck off"
or "for fucks sake" are ltb territory. What's the difference? Where is the line? Is it when is directed at someone? Does it depend on how much they swear normally and how normalised it is for you? Is swearing around children never ok ... but we may slip up from time to time and shouldn't beat ourselves up about it?

It depends on culture and the norms in the individual marriage whether swearing is unacceptable in an absolute sense.

As a general rule, I think swearing at someone is worse than swearing in other contexts. "Go and get the fucking cup" is an instruction aimed at someone so I would put that in the 'swearing at' category, as opposed to, e.g. 'Where's my fucking cup gone, I had it a minute ago' type thing.

I think it completely depends on your views around swearing and what kind of person you are.

My DH and I swear often (daily) and its nothing for either of us to say 'FFS' or 'Fucking hell' or to tell each other to 'Fuck off' (in jest mostly but there have been times when we are agitated or irritated by one another that we will say it to one another) But neither of us takes it to heart and neither of us really gives a shit.

We never swore (or argued) around our kids growing up but did swear around them as they came into their late teens. Both our DD's will swear in our company and we don't mind.

We are not 'ever other word' swearers but we do use it most days in just normal language. It's just us. I sometimes call the dog 'a fucking twat!' but its in jest.

I am not offended by language in the slightest but I know there are many that are. For example, I NEVER swear in front of my in-laws and keep my potty mouth to myself 😂My MIL in particular would be horrified to hear me saying the F word!

Yes but it's probably not as bad as fuck off you fucking idiot?

is there any general level that people would not accept or do you think it's a very personal thing on a personal level?

does it make a difference if one person in the relationship does not swear at all but the other regularly swears?

I think it's as important as you make it.

It sounds like you have a lovely equal relationship but there are still lines ie. The in-laws.

is there any swearing that you think would cross a line in your relationship?

I'm from South London and it's part of my vocabulary. I rarely swear in an argument for some reason!

If someone is using it to be intentionally offensive, abusive or intimidating, that's a line. If someone stubs their fucking toe, says the fucking England team are shit etc and a little kid is there...well, they hear worse at school.

I'm not saying it's ideal but I wouldn't divorce over it. A quiet, "Hey, can you not swear in front of our son so he doesn't come off like an uneducated buffoon as he gets older," would suffice.

No one is perfect and seems extreme to me to expect perfection and then go from marriage to divorce because someone called an inanimate object out for being annoying.

For me it is context.

Messing around and saying 'right fuck off you twat' is very different than having cross words and being told to fuck off.
Swearing doesn't bother me at all unless it's directed at a person in a offensive way.

So how important do you make it?

if your partner told your 3 year old to fuck off you fucking cunt you might feel that's important?

Happy swearing - fine as long as it’s in appropriate company.

Frustrated swearing - forgivable.

Swearing directly at someone in an aggressive or pejorative way - problematic.

Fuck, cunt, shit, bollocks are kind of a bland swear words for me. The line is - stupid, idiot, slut, slag, racial swear words - it gets personal rather than general - you know the stuff design to totally degrade a person.

Is that what happened?

I think the line is swearing directed at the person specifically. So saying 'for fucks sake' or 'fucking hell' = fine. But calling someone a 'fucking idiot' or saying 'what the fuck are you doing?!' not. Although that said, I sometimes call my DH a fucking idiot but thats when we are laughing together about something stupid he's done. So not in malice and he knows that and is laughing too.

Context and intent. I'd have been divorced a long time ago otherwise as I swear a lot. The dog is called an utter shit bag on an hourly basis but it's an affectionate shit bag.

So in an argument for fucks sake, this is so shit, I'm done with this slagging mess all ok as undirected but you fucking idiot, fuck off you cunt, I'm fucking done with you not ok as directed at someone?

Warning - utter filth ahead to make my points!

If a man called me a cunt he’d be gone (and under a patio)

If he said ‘I love your cunt’ - acceptable.

DH describing his boss as a fucking twat - solidarity.

Anyone calling me a fucking twat - patio.

Either one of us, to each other: ‘You knob’ - married bliss.

I’m never in the company of children so don’t really have a filter at home.

Mate, you even need to ASK?!!

In the sprint of the thread - fuck no, it’s never acceptable.

There's no swearing in our house.

People can express their frustrations without using bad language.

I don’t think I’ve ever told someone to fuck off, nor called anyone a fucking idiot (not to their face, anyway).

I do litter my speech with swear words (they’re just words to me), and always have done, but never in aggression.

Well, 'fuck off you fucking idiot' is about intent as much as vocabulary. If your other half said "Get out of my life, you total idiot" that wouldn't be any less offensive despite the lack of swear words.

I think setting a global 'unacceptable' level is almost impossible because it depends so much on what's normal within a relationship, in your wider family and in your culture.

If a non-swearer is in a relationship with a swearer I imagine they have decided to tolerate it, like a non-smoker might tolerate a smoker or a teetotaller might tolerate a regular drinker. If you get together with someone who has a habit that you don't share, then you have to take that as part of the package. It might not always be that the non-swearer is ideologically opposed to swearing, it might simply be they're not in the habit of it.

It is so contextualised. Dh and I may swear at each other in an argument but I never feel threatened, I never feel degraded - it's just an emotional outlet in a healthy relationship. I don't like the word stupid, idiot, slag, slut, nag, whore, n* I find them much more offensive than fuck and cunt.

In the examples you give I don’t think for fuck’s sake, this is so shit and I’m done with this slagging mess are much worse than their non-sweaty equivalents. ie for God’s sake, this is so terrible, I’m done with this mess could be just as upsetting. It’s the content/tone rather than the swearing.

But it's not really intent is it, it's heat of the moment anger, not actually leave I never want to see you again

Well no. Because that is all still directed at the person. The 'fucks sake' on its own sounds like frustration. But the follow ups sound like they are directed at the relationship and presumably, mostly the other person.

To be honest, I don't really argue with my DH and often on here I read things people have said to their partners and think 'I absolutely wouldn't stand for that'. And it doesn't have to involve any swearing anyway.

Swearing in front of children is a definite no no, but in adult only general conversation it doesn’t bother me but it comes down to context. Telling someone in anger to fuck off etc is far different from exclaiming fucking hell etc. As Billy Connelly once said when asked if fuck was the only word he knew. I know lots of words but sometimes fuck is all you need. In Glasgow calling someone a cunt can be good or bad depending on the context.