AIBU to expect grown-up children at home to contribute?

[Sam9769]

Are parents nowadays spoiling their kids?
I see people with grown up kids living at home who seem to do everything for them and don't expect them to pay anything towards the household bills or help out in anyway at home. Parents are doing the gardening, DIY etc with no help from the grown up kids who are driving around in their cars, out with friends and going on holiday?
Is that the way it should be or AIBU to expect them to contribute both financially and practically?

In education up to the first degree YABU. I think it benefits parents making sure their kids get a solid education. Once you're out of education, you've got to support yourself.

You do what you want with your children and leave other people to do what they want with theirs as frankly I can’t see how it affects you .

I think the bigger problem is that when children are living at home, they'r enot expected to do much in the way of chores so when they become adults living in their parents' houses, this mindset continues.

I am very aware that while I expect minor chores from my children, and they ARE expected to clean up after themselves, I do not expect them to do as much as I had to do when I was their age and I don't think I'm doing them or me any favours. I need to fix this. eg at their ages, we cleaned up after dinner, every single night. We took turns to hang up/bring in washing. We fed the pets. We helped prepare dinner or work int he garden (very gendered).

My children clean up after they've been cooking etc, empty the dishwasher and feed the cats if I ask.... it's not enough. I need to get them doing more.

i don’t want my kids doing any gardening it’s my garden set out my way and I don’t want them fucking with it

Mine were expected to contribute one-third of after tax earnings plus do housework on a Friday after work and before dinner. We all had full time jobs, so they didn't think it was unfair.

I agree - but there's the battle, always the battle and I get really sick of it. I get to the point where I explain to them they either ship up or ship out, things improve for a while and then it happens all over again. I really don't like feeling like a domestic servant, some of my friends don't seem to mind.

Ds is too young at the mo (10yo), but tbh, apart from being tidy, I don't like any more help than that. I prefer to clean my own house, have total control of laundry etc, make beds the way I want them made. I dont make him do any more than put his dishes in the dishwasher and keep his tech tidy. I don't think that will change much. We don't need money now, and as long as that doesn't change, we won't take any off him then, but the importance of a pension and savings will be drilled into him.

Yes of course my son pays rent and does housework - I wouldn’t want to raise a son who is not capable of looking after himself and knowing the cost of things .
If he lived here for free and didn’t do any chores -then he would be a bit useless when he eventually moves out . That would be a failure on my part .

I pity any partner he ends up living with when he moves out of your house!

My parents told me that I'd be expected to contribute if I moved back home long-term after uni - as it happened, I didn't so it wasn't an issue. The longest I spent back home was a few weeks between jobs as I was moving to another country.

I don't know what we'll do if DD moves home after graduating next year. She doesn't want to move home, but it depends on job opportunities. If it went on for a long time, I think we'd expect some contribution (although we might give it back to her at some point if we can).

When I lived at home, I was working so I would pay a minimal rent and was not expected to do a lot of housework. My brother didn't work so was not expected to pay but would take on the lions share of the housework.

Nonsense,
Apart from cleaning my room and washing some dishes growing up I didn’t do much and now im an adult perfectly able to run my own home, keeping it clean and tidy aswell as dealing with all the bills etc.

My daughter lives at home and works full time, she pays rent (£200) and does all the laundry and cooks here and there. She loves living with us and we love having her, she wants to get her own place but now whilst she's only 18 I don't feel it's something she needs to rush into.

I forgot to add that I kept the money for their keep separately and when they got married/set up home the money was used to help them with goods/linen they needed then.

None of mine in their 20s have ever paid rent they are saving for a deposit

My adult kids contribute financially (we rent) and do chores.

Yes. I have 2 friends who have both moved back to parents after divorce/break ups and their parents cannot do enough for them. Like cooking their tea. Neither have to pay their parents contributions. They don’t like it, after all they had independence but it’s easy to get back into mum and dad doing everything again.

I had to pay my mum when I started full time work. I also charged my son which he was unhappy about to start with but fully accepted it and I gave him the majority back in an account when he bought a house with his partner. What’s funny to me is that my grandson lives with his mum ( my son’s ex) and is now working full time. My son has said his ex is not charging my grandson any housekeeping/rent and he thinks that’s a huge mistake. I laughed when he told me and he acknowledged that yes he’d done a 360 on the subject but said that paying into the house finances taught him about budgeting and priorities and he thought it was a good life lesson.

My mother expected me to contribute a hefty sum towards the household, as well as making all my own dinners, doing the washing up for everyone, being responsible for my own washing and caring for the family cat and dog (the rent was from 18, everything else was from 13 onwards). I worked full time from 18 and every spare penny I had I saved and used to buy my own home at 19. So you could say in some way it prepared me for adult life and meant I was quickly independent. HOWEVER, I now have a very strained relationship with her, see her only occasionally when I can’t really get out of it. We’re not close at all and I hold some resentment for the responsibility that was put on me. So yeah in some ways it’s good if you want to get your kids out quick, but it’s less good if you value a good relationship with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

They could still contribute a bit and save . I would expect them to do their share of chores too.

You’re a woman (I assume). It will have been expected of you when you moved out. You don’t have to be on MN long to see that many, many men do fuck all around the house. I imagine this is even more prevalent amongst men who had everything done for them at home.
My husband was expected to do chores at home. He cooked for the family regularly, did his own washing, helped with cleaning etc. He still does all of that in our family home. He does the vast majority of the cooking, and his fair share of everything else. I’ve never had to complain about him not pulling his weight, and I hope the same will be said about our son when the time comes.

DD lived at home with us for a few years after graduating because her job then was based just a short drive away. As soon as she got the job offer she told us that she wanted to make a financial contribution.

We calculated an amount based on a share of the council tax, utility bills and weekly food shop. Sure, it was a lot less than a commercial rent, but we are here parents not her landlord. She paid her way but we didn't want to make money out of her. She also pulled her weight about the house and took her turn with cooking, cleaning up etc. Basically she was another grown up around the house.

With this arrangement she was still able to save hard for a deposit and bought her own place a few years ago.

My sister and I lived with my parents when we started working. My mum would clean, wash, iron, prepare meals, as she always did. I was working my ass off, staying the office long hours. My parents were renting and never asked a penny. I went on holiday and saved a bit. I enjoyed finally having some spare cash and not having to pay rent meant I could afford things I never could. Fast forwards 30 years later, I have a great job, great salary and my sister and I bought a flat for my parents so they don’t have to pay rent. If their washing machine breaks we buy one. We put AC two summers ago. They have a small pension so they live by, any unexpected cost we help.
would my parent be better off in charging us rent? Ofc, but since they did not when we were students they just continued 3-4 years more. Would make more financial sense for me to pay off my mortgage than using my money to buy things for them? Ofc, but for me this is what family is.

How old are the adult children?

Are they still in full time education?

Are they actually living with parents or living at university and visiting for the holidays?

What on earth has gardening and DIY got to do with anything? Those are not day to day tasks and are things prone to be heavily micro managed by those who are very invested in them.

Generally everyone should contribute to things like cleaning, cooking and costs according to their means and ability.

Means and ability are different at different ages and stages.

DIY and gardening are generally the responsibility of whoever has decided to have a high maintenance garden or to do a DIY project, unless you just mean mowing the lawn or fixing something that breaks - those can be communal maintenance tasks.

We’ve already told our eldest that if she lives at home while attending university we won’t expect her to pay towards bills, however, she will need to have a job to pay for her own general stuff and we would like her to learn to drive while she has more “spare” money.