AIBU to expect grown-up children at home to contribute?

[Sam9769]

Are parents nowadays spoiling their kids?
I see people with grown up kids living at home who seem to do everything for them and don't expect them to pay anything towards the household bills or help out in anyway at home. Parents are doing the gardening, DIY etc with no help from the grown up kids who are driving around in their cars, out with friends and going on holiday?
Is that the way it should be or AIBU to expect them to contribute both financially and practically?

What do you do with your grown up children at home?

I don't think UABU at all. However, having said that, when I let my children know that when they left school and got a job I would expect them to contribute something to the family finances and to do some of the work around the house they both left home at 18. They preferred to live in shared houses, paying everything for themselves, doing all the work for themselves, rather than to stay at home sharing the workload and having more money left over for themselves.

We didnt, and dont, have a difficult relationship and it was only fair, as I was working a full and a part time job just to keep things going, but it was apparently more fun for them to be broke elsewhere. I provided them both with a box of groceries and the basic necessities when they left, but I think the penny dropped pretty quickly after that.

The sooner my DS has saved a deposit, the sooner he can move out, so no, we're not charging him anything. He has just completed his first year in his grad job.
He often cooks the evening meal for us, goes shopping, sometimes does the dishwasher, cuts the grass and does other bits of gardening, and will do other stuff when asked.
Yes, we all drive each other mad. The quicker he can buy his own place, the better it will be for everyone.

They paid but I kept it in savings to help with a deposit when they moved out.

Mine both paid. And did their own washing and cleaned their own rooms.
My daughter did try and rebel and said " I don't see why I should have to pay to live here!".....she used the most water, electricity etc and left a trail of mess behind her....
Now she's got her own place,she finally realises....

My dd is a young adult. She is a uni student right now but she earns well through her PT job.

We are not struggling financially and I will never ask her to contribute financially, because a)we don't need it and b)I would prefer that she saves it for her future. It would, of course, be different if we needed the money.

As for practical contributions, I don't need to ask her to contribute because she does so automatically - we didn't raise her to expect others to wait on her.

Both dc paid rent after uni did their own cooking, room, bathroom and washing. Both saved their money and both bought their own houses (with partners) at 24.

Of course they should pay once they are working full time. If they're studying, I wouldn't expect money. even if you keep the money aside for them as a property deposit. This generation of young people are so spoilt, so many have never worked and expect everything handed to them.

Regret not asking mine to contribute. She cooks but doesn't pay anything or do housework. I didn't think she'd be here for long after she graduated, but it's now 2 years and counting. She does save though; and would have money for a deposit so that's a good thing.

what's your stake in this OP? Do your grown up children still live with you?

Depends on the family finances and ehat the other family members are doing, I think.

Some families will just want young adults to save for a deposit in their own home. If you live in the SE where a very average family home can exceed the IHT thresholds it makes no sense for them to be transferring money to you.

My DC in graduate jobs worked insane hours - think Monday to Friday 0830 to 2300 most days. I was in a steady career and had more free time on my hands. Also I like gardening! And tbh, it was great if they were out all weekend and I had the house to myself.

I did expect them to do thir own laundry and pick up after themselves.

I think the danger with not asking for any financial contribution is that they then have no stake in anything. If everything is done by the housework fairies and the fridge is magically filled while they have all their earnings as disposable income, why should they care about anything?

I only had one come back after Uni, the others all chose to move into house shares. I charged my returning DD a small amount and asked for help around the house, which concentrated her mind on keeping things tidy, etc.

They've all managed to save and buy their own homes without having to live at home to 'save up' (which often seems to mean 'spend all my money, spend parents' money too and slob about' from what I've heard of friends' children).

I don’t charge dc1 - graduated last year, but he puts around £1500/month in savings across LISA/ISA/car fund and a planned holiday for next year that should have happened last summer. He shops for and cooks 2 meals a week and does a normal amount of housework. He’s naturally tidy which helps. We’ve said 2 years grace and then he needs to start chipping in for bills etc. I wanted 1 year really but dc2 and 3 both had a year pre uni and he didn’t so he gets 2 years after as in all likelihood the other 2 will land, penniless for a period in their turn and I didn’t want them to have used up their allocation at 18. I have 4dc and want to attempt to treat them fairly and help them “launch” but I’m not subbing them forever.

We don’t ask for a financial contribution but they’ll pick up some shopping sometimes and pay for the odd takeaway for everyone. They do contribute in terms of household tasks though. They cook dinner once or twice a week, will put a wash on, tidy up, walk the dogs, clean out our animals etc. We have a cleaner who cleans, does the ironing, changes the beds so none of us have to do as many of those tasks.

They have some of their own bills like phone and gym, they budget for things and save, one has lived independently at uni, are responsible and they have a good attitude to money and life so it works for us. We don’t need their money so I’d rather they have money to have fun and to save.

Your posts reads like you're doing some kind of research, this question is asked about 3 times every week and there's nothing new under the sun on this topic

Id start with the similar threads box to see it rehashed countless times

This has always been the case. It isn’t the normal.

What’s it got to do with you, manage your own family as you see fit, stop judging others, good grief, curtain twitching at its worst.

I don't see how it would be right to charge DD2 rent, who is working while living at home, likely not going to university (though would be supported if ever she did go down that route) while DD1 does a five year course as a full time student and we are supporting financially while she lives away.

Both are working (DD1 both when at home and at university) and they do help out with errands and pets and stuff round the house and that's good enough for me. If either live at home once they have career/full time jobs then it may be different, but even then I'd still like them to be able to save money to be independent.

In the current climate I'm just glad they both have jobs and a good work ethic.

My adult dc pay a contribution to the household bills, its still way cheaper than living independently and the eldest two have managed to save enough to buy their own homes despite having lowish earnings.

Mine pay a contribution to household bills and do chores reluctantly, they cook at least once a week when they are not completely overwhelmed with work and professional exams. I still think we are enabling them to avoid proper adulting. I’m hoping they’ll be out in 3 years.

I wouldn’t expect them to do DIY… it’s my house, I own it and it’ll be by money when I sell it! Plus I don’t do DIY myself, I pay someone to do it. I would expect them to have a hand in the day to day running of the household though. Cooking, washing, cleaning, that sort of thing.
Finances… it depends. If I could afford for them to not contribute to the household I would rather they saved the money for a deposit on their own place. If I couldn’t, well they’d have to contribute.

When our eldest left uni they got a graduate job that involved 3 years of exams. We charged £100 a month on the promise that they saved for a house deposit, they do nothing in the house but occasionally buy a takeaway or some shopping. They have done so well with saving that they move out next month having saved a substantial deposit for a house . Exams all passed and move 3 years after leaving uni. Job done.

we plan to do the same with our youngest.

Whether, when, how much, and how they pay (in actual money) is a family decision that varies a lot and can be impacted by a lot of different circumstances. Doing absolutely nothing at all to contribute to the household (including in some cases people post about here not even keeping their own bedrooms safe and sanitary and cleaning up after themselves in shared spaces) is completely unreasonable; even small children can and should make some ongoing contribution. Of course, an adult doing sweet FA around the house and thinking that's normal and equitable isn't exactly going to make a successful or in-demand flatmate, so I guess those parents will have the pleasure of their kids' constant presence for a while.

That all seems fair but in your shoes I'd be strongly encouraging DD1 to save for her own place while she has no outgoings or giving her the choice of making a household contribution that I would put away for her.

My two adult daughters were still in college before they left home so no I didn't charge them anything as they weren't working and I was still being paid child benefits etc for them. They moved out at 18 but my eldest came back home for about a month or two before she got her council flat and she had her own benefits by then so I did ask her to contribute a little to the food shopping while she was back home. She also helped with childcare whilst I was at work so I didn't expect a lot of a contribution from her. I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult of working age earning an income or getting their own UC to pay their way to some extent because they need to learn that they can't live for nothing forever once they move out and live independently