AIBU to be fed up with my five-year-old needing toilet company at home?

[CheeseCracker]

I have a 5 year old DS. For a context we are living in a small 2 bedroom flat. No upstairs no downstairs. The last couple of months he has started to ask me to go with him to the toilet. Not even physically just outside the door. First I thought nothing of it,kids being kids but now it’s getting kinda annoying already. The bathroom is literally an arms reach away. If I sit on the sofa I can see the door but he’s refusing to go alone. Even if I’m in the living room or kitchen and literally see him, I have to physically stand outside. There is always light in the hallway, I’ve talked to him and explained again and again that I’m here, just here, I can see you, I’m looking at you but he’s actually screaming and shouting that I need to go with him. No amount of talking and praising him works. And it’s starting to get in my nerves.
He’s NT if that changes something, he’s perfectly fine with toilets at school and anywhere outside. Sometimes if we are are the coffee shop for example he would tell me that he’s gonna go for the wee alone and I can stay here. I never do that of course but he has no problem going into the toilet alone and me waiting outside, but at home he’s literally shouting for me to stand in an exact spot all day. I would understand that if we had a big house and toilet would be far away/upstairs but it’s literally a metre away from where I am.
Is it just kids being kids? What to tell him? Because no amount of talking and explaining is working.

My 5yo DD does the same although tbf it is upstairs and she doesn’t like going upstairs alone. Still annoys me though

My 3yo started doing something similar. I went with him initially then started standing a bit further away, then having to go and get something once he was on the toilet. Just building him up to going by himself and now he just runs off.

He is scared of something in there. Could you put something like a dinosaur toy in there to keep him company and who scares away whatever he is worried about?

I don't think he's scared. I think he's realised he can influence you and he likes having you there, it's now become a habit and habits can be broken. A programme of gentle withdrawal and persistence will be effective.

The fact he’s happy to go at school and elsewhere makes me think that maybe there is something he’s not keen on at home. Something even as silly (to us) as something on the toilet that he doesn’t like?

This.

One of mine was particularly bad for this- scared of the loo. He tried to dash in and out at speed, so Didn’t flush. I was really fed up with it as he was older than yours. I realised later that the funny noise he was scared of happened when someone upstairs used the loo at the same time. I’d never heard it, so didn’t think there were ‘funny noises’.

Just ease him through it.

I was assuming that you've asked him what the problem is, is it something he can't articulate? Or maybe he knows but feels it'll sound silly? I'd want to get to the bottom of why, and support him until he feels more confident.

As a kid I was convinced there was something wrong about our upstairs bathroom and hated having to pass the open doorway to get to the loo (in its separate room). We also raced up and down the stairs even during the day as having our backs to it was unnerving too. I couldn't tell you why we found it so spooky but there was a mirrored cabinet on the wall opposite the doorway and I felt vaguely that I might glance at that and see someone else looking back at me.

I don't think talking about it would have helped in our case but maybe your DS can offer reasons why he's having issues going by himself?

Why do you think this? I remember as a child having lots of irrational fears i couldn't articulate but never once trying to influence my mum.

I am not saying every child is the same. But are your thoughts actually based on your experience of how a child thinks?

I sometimes worry we ascribe adult reasoning to children’s mind and forget how intensely children experience things.

He’s only 5. He needs his mum for whatever reason that isn’t clear to you or him. It won’t be forever. It’s minutes out of your day. It would mean so much to him. He won’t be 5 forever. The day will come when he stops needing you. He’ll grow out of all of these things. Until then be his mother and provide that comfort and security for him.

My son was the same he was scared. Now at 6 he has grown out of it. It was mildly annoying at times as my loo is upstairs but it didn’t take much time out my day so didn’t bother me too much if it helped him feel safe and secure.

My 4 year old used to do this, he just wanted to chat while he sat on his throne. It was wild, I couldn't cope with the smell and during winter couldn't open the window.

He was diagnosed coeliac when he was 5 and after a few months his toilet visits got quicker and around this point he stopped wanting company.

Wasn't my favourite thing to do, but looking back his wee body was obviously uncomfortable and he needed some comfort at that time so I'm glad I did.

I have a 5yo who does this and an older one who used to. They are not scared. They have learned (when they were too little to go alone) that a toilet trip is one summons a parent won’t refuse, and are using it to demand your attention. See also the fact that it then take 20 minutes to do a wee and involves wandering in and out of the baths with pants round ankles.

Yeah my 7 yo is only just getting over his fear of going upstairs alone.

It's just a phase OP, he'll grow out of it soon enough

I remember seeing a film, think it was a carry on one, back on the 70s and there was something where someone got stuck in a toilet and left me scared for a while.

My parents would not have put up with keeping me company 🤣 so I had to get on with it, builds resilience. Talk to him and support him, but stop pandering to him, tell him no.

Parents pander too much these days. He'll get over it, quicker if you stop babying him.

he will want his independence at some point
just follow his lead op

Perhaps something has happened that has scared him.

Have you talked to him about why he needs you in the bathroom with him.

I have until very recently gone into public toilets with both my grandchildren and stood by the door while they went inside.

You cannot be too careful with small children these days.

You sound lazy tbh. I’m still accompanying my 18 year old to the toilet due to her significant SEN. He’s 5. He’ll grow out of it. In the meantime, get off your arse and stop making him feel bad.

My 4 year old does the same, says he gets lonely so I have to wait at the bottom of the stairs so we can talk. Its a tad annoying when your cooking or what not but I will probably also miss him wanting me to chat while he goes toilet when he stops asking!

ok so he’s not able to verbalise what is bothering him exactly about the toilet / bathroom?
there will be something random that’s put him off going alone ?
sound of the flush ? a mirror placed somewhere that’s he’s scared to look into ?
shadows ??
it will pass , yes it’s a bit annoying for you but keep going and talk to him about what’s bothering him

I would simply say no. Not a big issue is it?

Annoying. Is there an underlying attachment issue? If not humour him. He will soon grow out of it. How about offering a small bribe when he goes on his own.

Only this last week, our 5 year old grandson who always wanted company in the toilet, said, out of the blue, he was no longer afraid of the toilet flushing. None of us knew he had been!

Personally I would try and make my kid feel more comfortable instead of a flat out no. Every phase passes and if this is something that’s making him feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, I would just allow this 2 mins of my time a few times a day