Is this normal? If not what is it? DH related

[Annie2163]

Just tried discussing with DH about how many days would be feasible for me to reduce my work in terms of financially and he just said dismissed me and basically told me he doesn’t care. This is not the first time he’s done this he constantly shows me he doesn’t care about me and shows zero empathy when I talk to him about anything on my mind. I got upset and cried to which he started shouting at me. I told him I get more affection from the Tesco cashier who asks me how my day was! I’m feeling really upset as I feel I have gone through most of my married life (16 years) without any support, concern or empathy from my husband. I’ve stopped telling him things as I know his reaction will make me feel more upset but I really needed to talk to him today to discuss whether we can afford my reduction in hours.

He starts crying after our arguments which shows me he must have some empathy but only for himself. How can a normal conversation between a husband and wife about reducing work hours end up like this?

I just feel a normal husband would discuss this with his wife and try to understand that she needs some input rather than figuring things for himself, I get triggered when he does this because if I’m being honest he reminds me of my mum. My mum is not at all caring and supportive and is the last person I would ever call if I needed advice

I feel I have gone through most of my married life (16 years) without any support, concern or empathy from my husband

I mean, I have to ask - why?

You are allowed to leave a marriage.

You are more like flat mates than husband and wife. I would not stay married if it were me.

You need to unpick this Op as there are multiple issues…..

1. why do you want to reduce hours? Will that mean more financial responsibility for him? Or less flexibility to reduce HIS hours? If so, why do your wants trump his?
2. uncaring and unsupportive over years? The rest of your description of the marriage does not paint a pretty picture. Do you love him? Are you happy to live with things the way they are forever?

If not, you would be monumentally stupid to reduce your hours at this point and should focus on the actual issue - a marriage that tv rigged needs ending or changing radically

So sorry you're going through this, OP. No, it's not normal for someone to dismiss you when you talk and then cry about it when confronted. It sounds extremely dysfunctional and stressful. Are you sure working less hours is a good idea? It may leave you even more isolated. It sounds like you need a support system. I appreciate work might not be giving you that, right now, but it must be nice to get a break from him once in awhile. I don't know what to suggest but do realise this isn't typical.

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Does he ever do anything that makes you happy? He sounds pointless and horrible.

What's the main reason why you haven't left him? Then you could work whatever hours you like without having to discuss it with anyone.

It's very very abnormal for a man to burst into tears every time there's any kind of vaguely heated discussion and isn't necessarily showing any kind of empathy. He knows he's vile and feels sorry for himself.

But I don't think there's any chance whatsoever he will change as he's been like this forever seemingly.

He sounds financially abusive. Divorce him.

OP, kindly, he sounds abusive in many ways. There is nothing here that sounds as if this relationship is sustainable i.e. love, respect, caring, mutual care for one another etc. Do you want to leave? Do you think you are able?

What you describe is financial abuse

What a selfish, self centred excuse for a human being that sees his wife struggle while he has expensive holidays

It 's not a partnership in any sense of the word. He wont even discuss things with you. Divorce him OP. You will be much better off financially and emotionally

He is emotionally and financially abusive.

You need to keep earning, stop giving him money, and divorce him.

Him not caring because you're crying because he is bad to you is the least of your worries.

how many days can he reduce at work @Annie2163 ?

Divorce! He will have to disclose to the court how much he earns and then will have to support you and the children. He’s a twat of the highest order and you need to up your standards, seriously.

Are you effing serious???

He brings in all the money
OP thinks about reducing her hours for some unspecified (not family related) reason ans he basically says "whatever you want to do".

That's not abusive.

And apparently he cries. Which could be a sign he's burnt out and feels that OP is not prepared to contribute even a small amount so he's stuck doing what he's doing.

That's the alternative way to look at this. 26 years of supporting someone financially (though OP is convinced she's had no support whatsoever in that time).

I feel there's a 2nd side to this story...

That’s quite the additional detail OP!

He is financially abusing you, amongst other things. It sounds like a joyless,miserable existence and my advice would be immediate divorce

OP this is absolutely wild. I don't understand why you are still with him???

I am no expert in this but, if you divorce him won't you be financially better off?

If he is such a high earner and you are able to claim for 50% of assets and child support I mean. I guess there's a risk he might have taken steps to hide what he actually earns, but if you can gather your evidence and seek legal advice before he is aware of your intention. I am sure someone will come along who knows more about this.

Nope. Read her update.

I’m feeling really upset as I feel I have gone through most of my married life (16 years) without any support, concern or empathy from my husband. I’ve stopped telling him things as I know his reaction will make me feel more upset

Why do you stay?

OP he is abusive. You know this. You’ve been told it before.

Please seek some support from
Women’s aid and see a solicitor.

This.

I agree. Ring women's aid at the very least.

Please start to put yourself first. Get your ducks in a row. Squirrel away money. Do you have your own bank account? If you don’t, set one up ASAP.
At best, he’s a selfish, manipulative prick. But I agree with pp there’s financial abuse. Lack of emotional support. I broke free of a similar dynamic. I manage on a part time wage (30 hours a week) with maintenance. Okay things are tighter than I would like but the life/work balance is good (I have other caring responsibilities outside of being a single parent) and myself and our DC are much happier now we don’t live with him.

What do you want to happen here? What is your ideal outcome and how realistic do you see that being?

I would divorce him.

Highly recommend divorce! You get your life back and also your happiness and everything else once you get the toxic arsehole out of the picture!