How can I be more forgiving with MIL

[menopausequeen]

Name changed for this

I am middle aged and have been married to DH for 25 years. I have known his family for about 30 years.
When I was young and first married I tried so hard with his family (my DP both died when I was in my 20s) and they were fairly mean to me. Laughing behind my back, dismissing my views, undermining me etc. I was very different to them - degree educated and in a professional role (which they never ever asked about) and they were very much no ambition. Im
not saying that’s wrong but whilst I tried to appreciate their views and lifestyle they did not give me the same courtesy. They weren’t very nice to my DH either at times as he was ambitious and achieved a lot on his own (no support or encouragement from them).
Anyway fast forward a good few years and mil is elderly and widowed, much nicer to me, in fact goes out of her way to ask about me and is positive about me and the way our dc have been brought up. The things I cannot forgive her and I have a real dislike of her. Even when I hear her on the phone I shudder inside and have to grit my teeth to ask about how she is. I see her the minimum amount possible.
i have 3 ds myself and i know being a mil is hard and I’ve probably made mistakes and will
make mistakes with my sons partners but I just cannot move on from my feelings about how mil treated me.
i know I need to try harder but does anyone have any tips on how to do this, it’s becoming a real issue and I know I am being unreasonable but just can’t change how I feel!

Thanks this is a very helpful way to see things. Perhaps I’m trying too hard and expecting too much and actually just doing what I’m doing is ok for now

I understand why you need this @menopausequeen . I thought my feelings towards my MIL would disappear when she died but they didn't, her death didn't negate the awful things she had intentionally done and the hurt she relished causing.

I think you need to rid yourself of the anger to protect yourself, not to forgive or build a better relationship with your MIL (which can be faked with grey rock and in your head bingo).

Making a decision not to be angry with her any more sounds weird and impossible but sometimes that sort of random "I'm not angry with her anymore" thought could be a turning point in enabling you to move forward. I'm not saying that meaning that you should 'move on', it's not something I would ever say, more that throwing a curveball into your mind's normal thought processes can sometimes take you down unexpected routes.

Good luck to you

@menopausequeen , my in-laws were absolutely beastly to me; if I went into detail it would make your hair curl. When they became beastly to our children my husband cut contact with them. For many years I begged him to get back in touch and eventually he did. I did this because I just don’t feel comfortable with myself if I behave in a way that is not natural to me but more importantly I thought it was important for my husband and boys to have a relationship with their dad/grandad (my MIL is not my husband’s mother).My husband eventually relented. My in-laws lived abroad and we had second weddings for our sons in their country because they couldn’t travel, we made peace with my FIL and he thanked me which was quite a moment for me. My husband and boys have some good memories and I am at peace with the way I deported myself it would certainly have been really easy to encourage the estrangement but what is easy is often not what is right.

@Brunchatstephanies You are correct - the hurt doesn’t go but you have to let it go. Or worse follows! You stay unhappy. We deserve better and @menopausequeen you could well be doing enough right now. You don’t have to be best friends with her. I do think strong feelings relent and I’d build bridges rather than get too embroiled in the past.

Maybe think about internalised misogyny. She might not have had the opportunities you did, and a lot of her nastiness might have been fear or jealousy. Unlike today, she wouldn't have had the option of therapy-or even Reddit or Mumsnet-to help her to challenge this. Women her age probably faced horrendous sexism, even if she was allowed to work, casual sexism at work was the norm.
None of this makes it ok, before anyone points out that most women her age are very loving to their DIL.
By treating her well, you're demonstrating love and care to your sons. You MIGHT get something from developing some sort of relationship with her (I don't mean money, I mean a meaningful friendship). And you could keep thinking that without her, you wouldn't have had your husband and sons-remember they're all a quarter of her.
And carrying hate hurts you. Choosing to let it go, and be the bigger person, is no longer putting you at risk of being a doormat, but being powerful.

I agree with this.

IMO, why hold onto negative feelings and judgements? You wanted her to be nice and she wasn't. Well, now she is being nice. Just learn to take pleasure in that.
I am talking from experience btw. I had the same treatment, though my MIL died a few years ago.
Just look on the bright side. If you find yourself cringing inside, take a few deep breaths and think of something pleasant. It's not that hard, honestly.

My MIL threw her son out of the house when she knew he was dating a white single mother. I let it go, 15yrs after we split I still keep in touch. Her way of life / community / religion is a lot different to mine and I like to think I taught her to not judge a book by its cover

I doubt very much she and your father in law ever meant anything in the way you took it. They wouldn't have understood a lot of what you did anyway.

It was a long time ago and you say she has been different since widowed. That struck a chord with me because my mother was different, far better, later on in life and became more insightful.

However, it's a good idea to forgive, no point in hanging on to past hurts which I doubt were deliberate; she was probably more tactless than spiteful.

Let bygones by bygones and move on.

I predict a health crisis with your MIL within the next couple of years, which will necessitate your taking on the role of carer, OP.

@MegMortimerWhy? I didn’t take on that role. Having a better relationship doesn’t mean you end up as a carer.

I say this because it is highly suspicious that your MIL has suddenly undergone a personality transplant. She has realised that she may well need help in the future and you're the most obvious candidate. But as others have said, it may help to reframe your feelings towards her as pity.

Was she nice to her GC? If so I would go from there. Also go down the line of supporting DH.

Mine was not nice to DC and that is where the red line was crossed.

It is a completely seperate issue if MIL is looking for care than forgiving past actions. You can actually decline any role a person tries to get you to take on anytime it doesn’t matter if the relationship is good, bad or indifferent.

Why do you have to try harder ?
Your marriage and responsibilities are towards her son and your children not her.
Be civil and polite but nothing more ,she should have though about that years ago, i bet your husband doesn't expect anything else from you after experiencing her awful behaviour.

This visceral feeling of discomfort and anger is probably just years of conditioning, resulting from her behaviour. I guess it is like tensing up before being punched; you're expecting a verbal punch whenever you see her. If her behaviour has changed, it will perhaps take some time for you to really comprehend on a sub conscious level that you are not in for a kicking anymore.

I don’t understand the forgiveness thing… You understand her, you tolerate her (or give the impression that you do). What has she done to create an environment where forgiveness is possible?

completely off-topic sorry but @MegMortimer great username!

That is so not true.
I have come to believe a geat deal of unpleasantness is down to MH troubles. That's definitely been the case in my family.
As the older generation goes into a different life stage, the MH problems brcome much less, can't explain why, but they do.
They basically get nicer because the thing that was driving them nuts, whether it's biological or environmental , goes away/lessens.
I do believe this.

Oh this entirely! I have found I just can’t get past it when someone treats me badly when I’ve been at my most vulnerable. I have experience of this too. The person was in a ‘better’ more comfortable position than me in every way, but chose that time to shit on me from a height. Hard to get past. I know I wouldn’t have done that to them - I’m kind to vulnerable people, but some take that opportunity to push someone down further. You rightly feel sorry for your 20 year old self, and because you’re a decent person, now the tables are turned you feel unable to dish out the same treatment to her.

I am in a similar situation with my mil who now is in her late 80s .
She was never a pleasant women , and has always been very self centred .
Even when her own children were still quite young , it was her she expected all the attention to ( told by someone close to the family )

She never wants to know what is going on in people's lives , never cares about what's going on in the wider world , no interest in issues etc .

Now she is older she is more needy , and it's difficult to want to help or even show any empathy towards her .

I do , but not for her . I tell myself I am helping the rest of the family , taking the burden off for them , not her .
Perhaps you can change your mindset by thinking that as well ?

Same - I think if they are a nice/interested GP you can get over a lot of things.
The rude comments to me were then directed at DC. I took a massive step back, hardly saw her, which mean DC never saw her. Not that she cared.

I find this quote helpful.
Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace.
Letting it go is an act of self care, holding on to the insult is only damaging yourself.

Your motives are good. You sound kind and thoughtful. Your mil is lucky you’re even giving this some thought. You also know there are reasons why she’s doing this and not because she’s realised the error of her ways and suddenly likes you.
When there’s an issue like this, there needs to be an acknowledgment and repair work before you can easily move on and change. Would it help to have a conversation with your mil about it?

Yes, my MIL was entirely like this. Was foul to me and other females in the family who she thought she could dominate.
But as time passed ( decades) I discovered more and more how this was caused by severe MH issues.
Although she was in a very fortunate position outwardly, her inner self was in a terrible place. This inner self was making itself heard when she was cruel to other women.
Eventually she suffered a complete breakdown, which I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I really like this framing. You're doing forgiveness even if you're not feeling it yet.