How can I be more forgiving with MIL

[menopausequeen]

Name changed for this

I am middle aged and have been married to DH for 25 years. I have known his family for about 30 years.
When I was young and first married I tried so hard with his family (my DP both died when I was in my 20s) and they were fairly mean to me. Laughing behind my back, dismissing my views, undermining me etc. I was very different to them - degree educated and in a professional role (which they never ever asked about) and they were very much no ambition. Im
not saying that’s wrong but whilst I tried to appreciate their views and lifestyle they did not give me the same courtesy. They weren’t very nice to my DH either at times as he was ambitious and achieved a lot on his own (no support or encouragement from them).
Anyway fast forward a good few years and mil is elderly and widowed, much nicer to me, in fact goes out of her way to ask about me and is positive about me and the way our dc have been brought up. The things I cannot forgive her and I have a real dislike of her. Even when I hear her on the phone I shudder inside and have to grit my teeth to ask about how she is. I see her the minimum amount possible.
i have 3 ds myself and i know being a mil is hard and I’ve probably made mistakes and will
make mistakes with my sons partners but I just cannot move on from my feelings about how mil treated me.
i know I need to try harder but does anyone have any tips on how to do this, it’s becoming a real issue and I know I am being unreasonable but just can’t change how I feel!

Thanks this is a very helpful way to see things. Perhaps I’m trying too hard and expecting too much and actually just doing what I’m doing is ok for now

I understand why you need this @menopausequeen . I thought my feelings towards my MIL would disappear when she died but they didn't, her death didn't negate the awful things she had intentionally done and the hurt she relished causing.

I think you need to rid yourself of the anger to protect yourself, not to forgive or build a better relationship with your MIL (which can be faked with grey rock and in your head bingo).

Making a decision not to be angry with her any more sounds weird and impossible but sometimes that sort of random "I'm not angry with her anymore" thought could be a turning point in enabling you to move forward. I'm not saying that meaning that you should 'move on', it's not something I would ever say, more that throwing a curveball into your mind's normal thought processes can sometimes take you down unexpected routes.

Good luck to you

@menopausequeen , my in-laws were absolutely beastly to me; if I went into detail it would make your hair curl. When they became beastly to our children my husband cut contact with them. For many years I begged him to get back in touch and eventually he did. I did this because I just don’t feel comfortable with myself if I behave in a way that is not natural to me but more importantly I thought it was important for my husband and boys to have a relationship with their dad/grandad (my MIL is not my husband’s mother).My husband eventually relented. My in-laws lived abroad and we had second weddings for our sons in their country because they couldn’t travel, we made peace with my FIL and he thanked me which was quite a moment for me. My husband and boys have some good memories and I am at peace with the way I deported myself it would certainly have been really easy to encourage the estrangement but what is easy is often not what is right.