How can I be more forgiving with MIL

[menopausequeen]

Name changed for this

I am middle aged and have been married to DH for 25 years. I have known his family for about 30 years.
When I was young and first married I tried so hard with his family (my DP both died when I was in my 20s) and they were fairly mean to me. Laughing behind my back, dismissing my views, undermining me etc. I was very different to them - degree educated and in a professional role (which they never ever asked about) and they were very much no ambition. Im
not saying that’s wrong but whilst I tried to appreciate their views and lifestyle they did not give me the same courtesy. They weren’t very nice to my DH either at times as he was ambitious and achieved a lot on his own (no support or encouragement from them).
Anyway fast forward a good few years and mil is elderly and widowed, much nicer to me, in fact goes out of her way to ask about me and is positive about me and the way our dc have been brought up. The things I cannot forgive her and I have a real dislike of her. Even when I hear her on the phone I shudder inside and have to grit my teeth to ask about how she is. I see her the minimum amount possible.
i have 3 ds myself and i know being a mil is hard and I’ve probably made mistakes and will
make mistakes with my sons partners but I just cannot move on from my feelings about how mil treated me.
i know I need to try harder but does anyone have any tips on how to do this, it’s becoming a real issue and I know I am being unreasonable but just can’t change how I feel!

I think I find the IFS approach to this sort of thing really helpful, personally. It sounds as if you have lots of mixed feelings about her - you can appreciate she has changed, that she needs you, that she now likes you. But you also can't forgive what she did.
I find it helpful to think about what part of me is so hurt by this sort of thing. Which 'person' in me is so activated by what has happened? Why? Why does this (now long past) horrible behaviour continue to ring so loudly?
I find that when I can work out, a bit, which part of myself is reacting so strongly, and why, I just have more space to think and feel.

What do you think has brought about this change of heart in your MIL, OP?

That all sounds like complete rubbish now I've written it down, but I do find it helpful!

For me, it's not about 'changing how I feel', it's about working out which bit of me feels this way, and finding ways of being a bit less identified with that part, in that context. It sounds to me as if she made you feel absolutely awful (years ago), and that awfulness probably doesn't come just from her. There were probably other people, other contexts, that did similar things to you beforehand. If you can work out who it is in you that comes out to fight on your behalf in these contexts, then maybe you can just retire them a little here.

God, it sounds such nonsense. But do look up IFS or sub personality work, and see if it's helpful at all. I have really found it so useful in helping me to understand why I find some things/people so difficult, when in other contexts I cope with parallel situations just fine.

It really sounds as if you'd like things to change!

Sounds as she damaged the relationship beyond repair. My mil did the same and I just couldn’t get past the hurt and resentment.

You’re not unreasonable, you aren’t doing anything wrong, you’re not a mean person, you don’t need to change. When she could have been decent and pleasant to you she chose not to be. Her decision. She continued that for so long you don’t like her - entirely as a consequence of her behaviour - and you’re not obliged to change your opinion of her now she’s in a weaker position and needs you. Carry on as low contact as you can and accept she’s created the dynamic and your reaction to it is perfectly reasonable.

When did she change in her attitude towards you? Was there anything that prompted it?

You say she's elderly and widowed. Do you have any suspicion that she changed her tune only when she started to think she might need you?

eta - what does your husband feel now?

You mention that you’re sure you have/will make mistakes, but your MIL and her family’s behaviour was beyond “making a mistake”. They had that awful human trait of not being able to cope with someone breaking ranks and achieving something, with constant put downs and nastiness. That’s just vile behaviour. I’m sure she wants a lovely friendly relationship now, but I’d say polite detachment is as much as you could be expected to deliver.

Sounds similar to my situation, OP. Very different background to my inlaws and my DH was like me, so different to his own parents, which made things strange and still does to a large degree.

But, actions speak louder than words, so they say.

They really didn't know you as well as they do now. You've shown that you're resilient and loyal and probably not the person they thought you were and maybe your MIL had the good sense to see that and embrace you.

Most don't overtly apologise, through words, but instead by trying to atone through actions. After all, if she apologised but did the same things, you wouldn't accept the apology, would you?

Maybe see her actions as the apology you deserve, if you're so inclined.

In any event, I'm glad things are easier as far as the family coming around to see you as the person you are and not the person they assumed you to be.

Some people never achieve that status with MIL!

You are allowed to have mixed unresolved emotions about people who have treated you poorly in the past. As another poster put it you just don’t need to let those emotions define your actions. Some of us were brought up to think we should like everyone and if we don’t then that is a problem with us. In a world with plenty of arseholes it is ok to recognise some of them as such.

And yes agree with @Gymnopedie- sudden change of heart when she realises you are the two most capable beings left in her sphere

Self-interest, I would imagine. She now needs OP more than OP needs her. When OP needed her to be kind and welcoming, she was the opposite. As she gets older, she will want to rely on her son and OP for care and support so has changed her behaviour towards OP.

well, presumably she is really pally now because she has nobody else in her life?

So you can do several things, only you know which is the right one for you.
Along the lines of: heart to heart with her about how awful she was in the past but that she isn't like that now. Just so she knows.

Ignore the past and just be kind to an elderly widow, but make sure you have boundaries.

Ignore her as much as possible because she was awful in the past - tell her or don't tell her why it is....

In your shoes? I found it very difficult to forgive the awful things my MIL did and so in would have carried on being as distant as possible no matter what happens, but support my DH in his relationship with her. (mine was way worse than not being nice to me though).

What does your DH think? is she being as lovely to him now? or is it that she is expecting help from you in her old age that she doesn't expect from her son?

I think Yellowingtrees is onto something here!

Do you think it's to do with the fact that you were orphaned in your 20's and she was so unkind to you when you were at your most vulnerable? They could have done so much to make you feel loved and supported when you had no-one else? Is it the version of you in your 20's that you are still protecting? I think their behaviour was deplorable and pretty unforgiveable bearing your situation in mind. Never mind if you hadn't had that tragedy of losing both your parents. Sending you hugs because this must be very painful - years of trauma and hurt.

Most people deserve some sort of second chance. It’s a bit of a long lasting grudge and, I can tell you, some people are ignorant and revel in staying ignorant. My mil said we were “getting above ourselves” when dd went to a prep school. So what? We didn’t include her in any school event. Let these people have their ignorant views. There’s millions around like this and they kept themselves on the lowest rung. Those of us who want more (my DH too) simply ignored them but a lifelong grudge is a bit much. She’s just not educated and behaves like her “class”. Not unusual and should be ignored.

I agree with this.

You don't have to like her because she has changed her behaviour towards you, or because you have known her for a long time, or because she is old.

Sounds familiar with my MIL. The difference for me is that she apologised to me a few years ago for how she treated me and admitted she took her anger out on me (it was nasty for a long time). Forgiveness wasn't instant but came eventually. I still find her infuriating at times but its clear she has made a real effort to change and I value that. I never imagined we would have the relationship we do now. We are not in each others pockets but I see her fairly often and always include her for seasonal events, Christmas etc. Ultimately you cant help how you feel. If the anger is too much just aim for civil and protect your own space. Forgiveness may come eventually, or it may not. Either way you aren't wrong.

is forgiveness something that’s gone out of fashion? I had all sorts of issues with DM and mil but, as an adult, you have to get over it. My in-laws didn’t buy me a birthday present. My DM wrote in her Christmas letters that my Dc were unhappy! You don’t forget these things but you can forgive - just about! Be the bigger person! Don't be like them.

Has she acknowledged her behaviour and apologised?

She broke the relationship and now expects you to just overlook that fact. Your own self worth is telling you not to accept that, which is a good thing.

Is there any way you can have a heart to heart with her? Or could your DH talk to her?

It’s quite the mystery isn’t it that now she’s elderly she wants to be nice 😂

Yes, it's so lovely that she's seen the error of her ways @Malasana 😂

Why do you have to be more forgiving? She was horrible to you when you’re just getting your way in life. For entirely non-justified reasons.

Similarly here, my MIL is a toxic narcissist, eternal victim and master manipulator. She’s spent the last ten years talking negatively about me to anyone that’ll listen. I’m just the vessel that spawned her grandchildren (of whom she has clear favorites).

She’s conditioned my DH to always feel guilty and obliged to her. So that’s another bone of contention but another thread.

When the day comes that her poor health and fucking insane behaviour becomes a problem and she needs more support or God-forbid, care, I know she will come crying to me.

We had a bit of an eye opener recently following surgery and I was the only one capable or available to give her much needed help. I hated every second of it but I did it. Didn’t change her attitude towards me one bit.

So no, I will not forgive her, I will not let go of my resentment or dislike for her. And I certainly will not be bending over backwards to look after her when she suddenly needs me.

And don’t feel bad about it.

Of course you don’t have to put up with it. One woman’s being a grown up is another woman’s being a doormat. It’s perfectly reasonable to decline to be a doormat and expect better from people and when you don’t get it act accordingly.

Probably a need to be looked after, physically and financially.

Let your husband crack on with the relationship as he sees fit. All you need to do is turn up and be polite.

There are all sorts of reasons she’s changed her mind. Including appreciating your qualities better now she’s more vulnerable, but also appreciating them having seen the advantages her GC have had as a result.

They behaved badly when you were younger, but they may have had few frames of reference to understand you through. If their experience of more educated people was the vicar or doctor or boss sneering at them, then they will be wary.

This!

Listen to those feelings that can't forget what she did @menopausequeen , they are there for a reason. She had time enough to be decent, or at least appear to be, but is choosing now. Protect yourself and don't let yourself be used