How can I be more forgiving with MIL

[menopausequeen]

Name changed for this

I am middle aged and have been married to DH for 25 years. I have known his family for about 30 years.
When I was young and first married I tried so hard with his family (my DP both died when I was in my 20s) and they were fairly mean to me. Laughing behind my back, dismissing my views, undermining me etc. I was very different to them - degree educated and in a professional role (which they never ever asked about) and they were very much no ambition. Im
not saying that’s wrong but whilst I tried to appreciate their views and lifestyle they did not give me the same courtesy. They weren’t very nice to my DH either at times as he was ambitious and achieved a lot on his own (no support or encouragement from them).
Anyway fast forward a good few years and mil is elderly and widowed, much nicer to me, in fact goes out of her way to ask about me and is positive about me and the way our dc have been brought up. The things I cannot forgive her and I have a real dislike of her. Even when I hear her on the phone I shudder inside and have to grit my teeth to ask about how she is. I see her the minimum amount possible.
i have 3 ds myself and i know being a mil is hard and I’ve probably made mistakes and will
make mistakes with my sons partners but I just cannot move on from my feelings about how mil treated me.
i know I need to try harder but does anyone have any tips on how to do this, it’s becoming a real issue and I know I am being unreasonable but just can’t change how I feel!

In your shoes I would get some outside help to process it. A short course of talking therapy seems like the perfect solution, as it's a specific issue and you seem clear that you want to change your own feelings and reactions, rather than try to have it out with her.

The behaviour itself seems like a case of insecurity turned nasty- very Mean Girls but also, in a weird way, not actually about you at all. I've experienced something similar from the partner of a loved one- we've never quite resolved it and it does limit what I feel I can talk to them about in terms of my work, interests etc.

She surely knows she didn't treat you well- but she's now vulnerable and may not want to make herself more so by admitting it. I would probably not hold out hope for that kind of Hollywood ending- your focus on finding ways to stop it weighing you down is much healthier.

I wear the same t shirt, could have written exactly this. Things improved when her supporters reduced in number.
My MiL didn’t apologise but admitted her worries about unconsciously treating people badly, her mistakes, her selfishness which she acknowledged but found difficult to overcome. I saw a woman who knew she hurt and annoyed others, a woman who wasn’t as strong as she appeared. She didn’t “mellow” in widowhood so she could rely on us. Her masterplan was to be independent, she happily went from care home to care home. Yours is on the phone, not in your spare room!
My tip? Build on her asking about you, being positive about you and the way your 3 DSs have been brought up. She’s trying hard to build a bridge. Surprise visits, an afternoon with just her son, sneaking off with me (complicity breaking a rule lol) worked wonders. As a MiL myself now I enjoy precisely the same. Pinch yourself and take her out for a quick coffee, otherwise you’ll continue to shudder inside. Now’s your chance to receive the plaudits sincerely meant and earned.

I’ve cut my ex MIL off after years of her supporting her abusive son. I should have done it years ago. Some people are toxic and them being family doesn’t mean you need to like, forgive or have them in your life. If you don’t like her, chop chop. I’ve been too forgiving and I’m too old for it now. Only associate with her if you genuinely forgive her and want to. If that’s the case draw a line and start again with her

My mil was nasty and entitled the older she got, I could not move away from her nastiness to the point I decided not to see her from January 2024 to April this year when she passed away. I had too much resentment from her nasty ways.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner have you read the OP?

She lost both parents in her 20’s and at an incredibly vulnerable and sad time, her MIL treated her terribly.

Now she’s old and widowed and presumably realising that she needs the OP, she’s being nice.

She doesn’t have to forgive for that.. it’s for nothing to do with ‘being better’. In this life, you reap what you sow.

Right, but the OP has posted explicitly because she does want to forgive, so I don't know how helpful it is for people to focus on telling her she doesn't have to. She presumably knows that.

My MIL was pretty grim - I was referred to as ‘your wife’ when talking to my DH.

But over the years she saw I worked hard, made her DS happy and was a great mother to her DGC. I don’t think she ever liked me - we were too different - but she did respect me.

And I could forgive her because us being at odds hurt my DH and she produced him so she couldn’t have been all bad. And I got to go home with him every night so I was the ‘winner’ IFSWIM.

Let it go. Forgiving her sets you free.

Forgiveness is hard and we can't help how we feel.
People do change however, and my coping mechanism in similar circumstances was to treat the old relative as an entirely different person to the younger version.
Looking back, I'm not the same person I was 40 or 50 years ago. Maybe she isn't either and has genuinely changed for the better.
Clearly you don't want to be left with regrets so a healthy coping mechanism that protects your own wellbeing might be the best way forward

She lost both parents in her 20’s and at an incredibly vulnerable and sad time, her MIL treated her terribly.

Yes. Me too.

Now she’s old and widowed and presumably realising that she needs the OP, she’s being nice.

My MiL didn’t need me, was independent, stopped being a puppet and openly acknowledged she’d learned my worth (as OP’s is now doing which is some swallowing of pride).

@theresnolimits 👏👏👏

Why do you feel the need to forgive your mil. for her years of nastiness?

My mother had very similar with my grandmother, her MIL.

My MIL was horrific to her for many years - actively trying to drive a wedge between my parents, favouring her other DILs over my mother, etc. It was odd as it really echoed the horrible treatment she'd had from her own MIL.

After my grandfather went into residential care and even more after he died, she totally changed and piecing it all together it's pretty clear that, at a minimum, he was very emotionally abusive and controlling to her and she (entirely wrongly) visited that on the "weakest" person ie the first DIL who joined the family in her early 20s.

I don't know if my mum ever really forgave her for her past actions, and she certainly never forgot. But she did manage to move past it and acknowledge that the behaviour had changed, and was able to meet my grandmother where she was in a positive spirit of moving forwards together.

It's a great example of how we can never know more than a fraction of what's going on with someone, and how even with those we're close to, we don't always know what's affecting them and influence their behaviour.

It sounds quite similar to your situation: your MIL is trying to show you through her actions and behaviour that she's changed and that she values you. You can make a choice about how you respond to that change.

I think it can be helpful to acknowledge to yourself that the past isn't something that you will ever forget or that you'll ever think is ok. But that you will also make space for someone's personal growth and change and that while you will probably always approach with caution, you can make space for who she is now, not just who she was.

My PILs were awful, FIL was abusive and MIL was manipulative. I'm not with their son anymore (who unsurprisingly was rather fucked up) but still aware of what goes on in the family. FIL died last year and since then MIL has had a noticeable personality change. It's clear her manipulativeness was the only way she could avoid being completely crushed by him. Is it possible something like this is a factor in how your MIL treated you, OP, and that since being widowed she's more able to be herself? I'm a bit of a grudge-bearer myself but since you're looking for a way to forgive her perhaps thinking about it like that might help.

This is actually very interesting. I’m not sure I can see much of a difference between this poster and the OP yet there is a clear difference in how this poster views herself compared to how the OP views herself.

Clearly this person views herself as a forgiving person and exhaults that as a virtue even though arguably her thoughts, feelings and actions are very similar to the OP.

Maybe that is the answer @menopausequeen be easier on yourself because you genuinely sound like a decent person.

Age, loss of her DH, other adult children moving away (DH siblings) . Interesting question but I think these are possible explanations

That’s how I feel, hurt and resentful, but also I want to move on for DH as well.
And because now I am a MIL I realise it is easy to make mistakes

This really resonates with me… but doesn’t help me feel forgiving. If I’m honest I think she needs me to forget the past.
But also I do reflect on what I could have done differently as I’m sure it is not all just her.

Because she is in our lives. My DH sees her regularly and I would like to support him more. She is my DS’s grandmother and they are all fond of her.
I genuinely want to let go of resentment because it causes me stress at family events as I just can’t be relaxed with her

Thank you to everyone who has posted for your ideas and perspectives.
i could just carry on the way I am but I don’t want to. I would much rather get to a point where I can speak to her - visit her/ hear her speak on the phone to DH without feeling angry inside.

Well, you are a much bigger person than most of the population. How mature of you. That's lovely for your husband that you really are trying, even though she's been a cow to you for years.

So you feel you need to forgive her for not knowing how to behave? Can you feel sorry for her? Or is she just horrible?

I was really struck by our two posts one after another. I think this is a lot more common than a lot of us think or realise - that for older generations being stuck or trapped in an awful marriage led to some women demonstrating horrible behaviours to others. I think these sorts of personality changes when an abusive spouse dies or goes into care aren't really all that uncommon.

It's not an excuse for being abusive to others, but it can help to offer an explanation for the behaviour and why it has changed - and maybe foster a little more understanding and forgiveness.

OP, you talk about your feelings of resentment and that's totally justified. But I think it's worth asking yourself what those feelings are buying you.

MIL's past behaviours are causing you misery today. She has moved away from those behaviours - but they're still eating you up.

So I think you do need to find a way to process it and make peace and move on from them as something that happened in the past. Because right now the person they're hurting worst is you - so Past MIL is still holding the power.

Is there a way for you of getting some help to reframe how you view these events and therefore your MIL? Is there a path for anger and hurt to become pity, for example?

@Brunchatstephanies I felt it had to be the answer, or you end up like the op! Is she happy? It would appear not. You don’t forget but you bury it because moving on is more healthy. I’d advise the op to have a go at this and accept people can regret things and change.

She's being nice to you because she needs a carer.

Totally agree, you have decided your actions are forgiveness as you define it.

Clearly you still remember your MIL and DM’s actions and clearly you still have feelings on it as they came straight to your mind as you gave your perspective.

I definitely think if the OP changes her mindset on what forgiveness looks like and stops being so hard on herself she can see that actually engaging relatively positively with a person she doesn’t particularly like and behaving kindly towards her is still a perfectly good version of forgiveness in her circumstances.