AIBU Be Fed Up of Partner’s Grumpiness from ‘lack’ of sex?

[N0ChildrenYet]

Been with boyfriend for coming up to 5 years. He gets really moody if it’s been over a week of no sex (sometimes pushing two weeks). I have quite a few health problems and so honestly am not in the mood a lot of the time due to being in pain/feeling sick or being exhausted.

He has quite a lot on his plate in the way that there are things in his life making him unhappy. But whenever I see him and there’s a missed opportunity for sex, I feel like his mood changes and he’s just in a bad one. And as the week goes on/if we go into a second week or potentially over that, his mood gets worse.

i understand that having sex is a stress release for him and it cheers him up, but at the moment I feel responsible for his happiness in that the pressure is put on me to do something I don’t actually want to do to make him happy - when he’s being a grump all the time. He’s not really ever affectionate outside of having sex. There are times when I’ve pulled him up on this and he has been more affectionate when he knows that making the effort a bit more consistently will more often lead to more sex. But he just has no drive to actually be remotely romantic or affectionate with me, and is constantly in a grouch if we’ve been together and he’s realised there’s not going to be any sex.

i don’t really know how to get out of this pattern. I’ve been so patient and understanding so far but I’ve kind of got to the end of my patience now with it.

I know he has needs, but AIBU for getting annoyed at this? Is once a week/once every other week enough?

Has anyone else dealt with this?

We don’t have any kids - I’m just a lurker on mumsnet 😂

Why are you with him? He doesn’t sound that nice.

Oh this is so gross, dump this dead weight!
You are not just a convenient stress release for him.

I’m not sure, I think most of them are like this. I know it sounds like I have given up on it all. I’m not placating men any more. It’s just not worth it.

Because sulking and grumpiness is so attractive …….

Have you told him how unsexy such childish behaviour is? If you have, and he still persists, throw this one back.

Clearly sulking and being grumpy towards you won’t exactly make you feel like being intimate and it’s astounding how many men don’t seem to realise this. Absolutely bizarre. Especially when he doesn’t show any affection other than when he thinks he might get sex.

OP what is he bringing to the table? Not from your post.

Can I also assure you that you are not responsible in any way for another adult’s happiness?

You deserve so much better.

What are you getting out of this relationship op? It isn’t clear. You have described a moody, agressive bloke who coerces you into having sex you don’t want. Why remain in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy?

You sound totally incompatible to be honest, I’d end it

Neither of you is happy. Stop flogging a dead horse.

I probably haven’t painted the best picture of him. He can be incredibly sweet sometimes, and when he IS in the mood for cuddles/affection - which is nowhere near as much as I’d like in all honesty - he is lovely. I just wish I got more of that version of him. And he is going through a very stressful time.

i do also suspect he might be autistic (I am also autistic) as he really struggles socially.

He’s a very mixed bag. He can be incredibly sweet and do really nice things, but then he can also be an absolute arse - not directly. He just won’t do anything if that makes sense and won’t show interest with ANY of the love languages?

because I find it difficult initiating like… conversations about how we are or like… general communication about us (we both do) we tend to fester in our issues and then we’ll suddenly have a conversation once a year or something like that and everything will come out at once when one of us is upset and then we’ll feel like we’ve solved everything and it will all be so much better for a while (until it isn’t).

Well, he's unpleasant to you and not affectionate. And you don't really want to have sex with him. So I'm having trouble seeing what you're getting out of this relationship, to be honest.

Yes, he has needs. He needs food, shelter, clothes... sex is not a need, it's a want.

That said, it's a reasonable expectation in a relationship and if the two of you are incompatible in this respect, then you should break up and look for someone more compatible.

Life is immeasurably better single, compared to tolerating a relationship with a man who sulks about lack of sex. Trust me, get out of this. It wont resolve itself, love and passion have gone.

I guess everyone has their own ‘percentage’ of acceptable ness of the good bits in a relationship vs the bad bits. You are happy to put up with this nonsense, because he’s sometimes nice. I wouldn’t be op. I’d rather be single.

I think it sounds very transactional in that he can make an effort to be more affectionate, but only when he wants to and likely when he thinks it might lead to sex.

You should not be manipulated or persuaded into having sex you don’t want to make someone else happy. Someone who cares about you wouldn’t want sex that you don’t want.

Honestly OP, this isn’t how it should be.

Jesus, another thread about men’s needs. Op I would ditch this awful sex pest, there’s a much better life for you without him.

He’s definitely not coercive and definitely doesn’t make me do anything. He’s incredibly patient and never actually forces me to do anything I don’t want to do as he knows I’ve been coerced before. He’s very careful not to try it on if I’m feeling unwell. He doesn’t actually know that I don’t want to have sex when we do have it. Generally once we’re having it I’m fine and do enjoy it but it’s getting round to actually having it that’s the issue as most of the time I’m either in pain, knackered or feel sick - or not in the mood just because my sex drive is so low (from illness or medication I’m not sure) and have to force myself to get in the mood if that makes sense. A lot of the time I find him very attractive but there are times when I go through phases (like now) when I find his behaviour very childish or get annoyed at his grumpiness (I suppose where he bottles up) and it winds me up. As I’m not an object for someone to have sex when they want and to get grumpy when it’s not happened! I’d love to know if he’s grumpy with everyone else he sees on the days he sees me

i love him very much (and he says he loves me and we want a life together. He says it’s me or no one and I do truly believe that tbh as he’s very anti social. I’m not quite sure he would actually tolerate anyone else) but I am very frustrated with his grumpiness and what he’s expected of me over the years (and am now finding it difficult to put in the effort because of this)

Whatever you do, do NOT marry or have children with this man because it will only get worse unless he develops an issue whereby he cannot have sex anymore or drops the sexual coercion thing he's got going on.

Do you really want a lifetime of this?!

OP. You’d have to be desperate to stay with this man. Are you?

He shouldn't just be "tolerating" his partner, though! No one is guaranteed a relationship or romance or sex, and not everyone needs or wants it. Maybe he shouldn't be in an intense "pair bond" relationship right now - and maybe not ever?

IF you were both completely committed to the relationship and willing to do hard work for as long as necessary to try and repair it (or decide it can't be repaired and feel less conflicted about splitting up) then couples counselling MIGHT be helpful - at least it could facilitate and give structure to the kind of conversations you find it hard to initiate, and make you each talk about your feelings and listen to/understand each other without fear of the other person shutting down or becoming nasty. BUT I would only consider it if you're sure you both want to and will make it a consistent priority to do the work. From what you've said it sounds like you've already lost motivation to work on the relationship, your health issues probably make it harder to devote a lot of time and energy consistently, and he seems busy/preoccupied/stressed about things outside the relationship. I'd start with figuring out if YOU really want to try and "save" the relationship and then (if you're sure it's yes) find out if HE does.

I suggest you read your own first post OP. The title of your thread says it all.

’AIBU Be Fed Up of Partner’s Grumpiness from ‘lack’ of sex?’

Only a sex pest acts like this. A loving respectful partner doesn’t sulk in an attempt to get more sex.

I genuinely don’t think he means to sulk - and he doesn’t mean to punish ME either. He says he feels bad about himself because he starts thinking about us - I’m assuming compatability. And feeling bad about himself e.g., unattractive. It just doesn’t feel that way by how his grumpiness translates to me and he becomes distant to the point of what FEELS like punishment to me

He is being coercive by sulking. Sorry but this is abusive behaviour. I have health issues and dh and I went without sex for months and he never once complained.
However "nice" he is the rest of the time doesn't make up for being an arse.
Get rid, you deserve respect.

the first 2 years we were together he was just like this - my health was really bad and we’d go months without and I guess I thought quiet and grumpy was just his general default mood. He’s never been particularly affectionate and always very socially awkward even when we were getting together (although he was more affectionate on some dates). He is generally just a very low effort guy and unfortunately because of health I’ve always been very high maintenance

although he used to come round a lot less. He’s never been particularly caring but because my health has been so bad I’ve always felt like he’s deserved much better tbh as on paper (and real life) I’ve not really been much to go for and he’s been very patient and understanding. When we first got together he took me for days out because I used to really struggle to get out of the house and that meant so much to me

OP, have I got this right? Do you find him less sexually attractive when he is grumpy and not affectionate? Because I think this is universally true, especially for women. You might need to explain this to him. If he wants more sex, he needs to do more of the things that make you want to. You might need to spell it out. You might also need to tell him that when he is grumpy you find that a big turn off.

Also it might be worth telling him that sex won't be happening when you feel ill but that you would really like some care and affection at these times which might make you see him as more attractive when you feel better. If he is unable to change his approach to this issue, you will have to decide if you still want to be with him. Gently tell him this too. He just might be really rubbish at picking up on non verbal/verbal indications about how you are feeling about sex right now.

I reckon this might be worth a go before Mumsnet convinces you he is a depraved sex pest you should leave. I'm not saying this is definitely untrue but I think a bit of clear communication is worth your time. Is it possible that you also find this sort of communication quite difficult? It sounds like there might be some miscommunication on what makes women want sex. Being grumpy isn't it. I know he should know this but it sounds like he doesn't. Tell him, OP. It's worth a tricky conversation.