AIBU Be Fed Up of Partner’s Grumpiness from ‘lack’ of sex?

[N0ChildrenYet]

Been with boyfriend for coming up to 5 years. He gets really moody if it’s been over a week of no sex (sometimes pushing two weeks). I have quite a few health problems and so honestly am not in the mood a lot of the time due to being in pain/feeling sick or being exhausted.

He has quite a lot on his plate in the way that there are things in his life making him unhappy. But whenever I see him and there’s a missed opportunity for sex, I feel like his mood changes and he’s just in a bad one. And as the week goes on/if we go into a second week or potentially over that, his mood gets worse.

i understand that having sex is a stress release for him and it cheers him up, but at the moment I feel responsible for his happiness in that the pressure is put on me to do something I don’t actually want to do to make him happy - when he’s being a grump all the time. He’s not really ever affectionate outside of having sex. There are times when I’ve pulled him up on this and he has been more affectionate when he knows that making the effort a bit more consistently will more often lead to more sex. But he just has no drive to actually be remotely romantic or affectionate with me, and is constantly in a grouch if we’ve been together and he’s realised there’s not going to be any sex.

i don’t really know how to get out of this pattern. I’ve been so patient and understanding so far but I’ve kind of got to the end of my patience now with it.

I know he has needs, but AIBU for getting annoyed at this? Is once a week/once every other week enough?

Has anyone else dealt with this?

We don’t have any kids - I’m just a lurker on mumsnet 😂

Thank you so much

He is coercive. If he wasn't, you wouldn't know he's upset about not having sex whenever he wants. That sulking and grumpiness when you don't have sex with him in his time frame, that is coercion.

You were in a coercive relationship before and now you're in another one. Time to do the Freedom Program and therapy.

Sex is not a physiologic need, it's a want.

Your bf uses you like a stress release ball and can't be bothered to show you physical affection outside of sex unless you tell him. Your sex drives are incompatible and he seems to care very little about you outside of sex. I'd say your relationship is shit and it's time to put an end to it.

Coercive men rarely change.

i don’t really know how to get out of this pattern. I’ve been so patient and understanding so far but I’ve kind of got to the end of my patience now with it.

easy

dump him.

I can't imagine a sexless relationship, intimacy is a big part of it for me BUT in life, everybody has ups and downs, and a normal partner will not be so immature and unpleasant when they don't get their way.

At best, you are not compatible, some people like sex a lot more than others (look how many posters on MN say they don't like it and have no interest in sex whatsoever)
nothing wrong with it, but no point staying together.

You are not wrong, but they're just BF and GF, that sounds like an awful amount of work at such a stage of their relationship.

i understand that having sex is a stress release for him and it cheers him up
Doesn't he have hands?

he knows I’ve been coerced before.
When you have been in one abusive relationship you have a higher chance of having another abusive relationship, albeit a different or more insidious type unless you have done the work to reinforce your boundaries and see the warning signs. Have you had therapy regarding the coercion or done the Freedom Programme? Because if not this man could be abusing you.

Being nice then grumpy at your choices, then nice again, then grumpy is called the cycle of abuse. If they were permanently mean/grumpy they wouldn't have anyone so they have to be nice so you stay. And this is probably why posters are saying he is another abuser.

Do the work. Open your eyes. Then make a decision.

What the fuck ? You get punished with grumpy bastard for sex less than weekly ?!! Tell him to fuck off. What a selfish asshole.

I’ve been so patient and understanding so far but I’ve kind of got to the end of my patience now with it. @N0ChildrenYet

But he's not being patient and understanding of you, is he? Health problems that cause pain and tiredness are part of life and he isn't showing you any compassion or care.

You shouldn't have to do all the work in the relationship.

He doesn't seem capable of having empathy. It's all about him and "his needs".

He is a sex pest.
He will not change.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

You say that you don’t think he means to be sulky and grumpy when he doesn’t have sex but isn’t that even worse than him doing it deliberately. If he literally can’t help himself and if he is unable to understand how he comes across and the effect it has on you how can you possibly think you can remain in a relationship with him.
What do you want out of life and where do you see yourself in the future. Not just the next 10 or 20 years but your whole life.

He does lack empathy but I think part of it is an issue with work and being fed up (he works in care but the people he works for have essentially screwed him over so much he’s had an empathy burn out. The person he looks after he really likes and has a lot more understanding for - but in general he has a low tolerance for feeling anything for anyone at the moment). When he has time off he is a LOT better. In general all of his feelings are quite muted and he does go through periods of this when he’s depressed - which he generally is and is struggling with life at the moment. He’s not treated well by his employers, his dog is dying and he LOVES his dog so so so much. His general home environment is horrible - he lives on a tiny boat and I know some of them are absolutely lovely and you can live well on a narrowboat but his is a state at the moment and because his dog is really unwell it is more of a mess. He’s just struggling in general. I don’t really think he has the capacity at the moment to be understanding towards my issues as well. He does try but just doesn’t have a very natural understanding caring nature and because he can’t feel what I’m feeling and because for the most part I look okay now and don’t make a fuss he can’t necessarily see what I find difficult/can’t understand? Which I can understand

my previous relationship was coercive but again, weird circumstances. My ex was absolutely lovely and adored me. Hugely romantic and really the loveliest person, to me and to everyone. And our relationship started in college so we started it young. The coercive element was that a ‘no’ to sex was never a no. He would always make it a yes. So keep trying/pestering until I gave up and just went along with it (although I didn’t want to and clearly said no/clearly didn’t want to). So I ended up hating sex and it ruined what sex was. I don’t really know it that is coercion or not tbh. But in the end our relationship broke down because of that as I ended up not visiting or having him over because I didn’t want to be in the same bed as him (or would only visit in the day and there were other people around). So essentially couldn’t have sex with him anymore (and I’d also become unwell in the middle of this).

Current partner is NOTHING like this. He would never force a no into a yes and he would be mortified if he thought I was having sex and didn’t want it. He often just has grumps and waits for me to instigate. Which isn’t anywhere near as bad. But I do get annoyed at the grumpiness and lack of effort in all other areas when he doesn’t make effort.

he’s very good at coming round often, but it’s just the general lack of feeling that I get from him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s depressed or if he generally doesn’t care. Though when I’ve asked him about it he always says he does and makes noticeably more effort for a bit

It's very unclear what you're getting from this relationship. He's anti-social, lacks empathy and isn't affectionate. You end up having sex with him that you don't want because otherwise he's sulky and grumpy. Do you like this person?

I have read your last post OP and it sent shivers down my spine. I'm going to repeat a bit of my post. Read it, and read it again.

When you have been in one abusive relationship you have a higher chance of having another abusive relationship, albeit a different or more insidious type unless you have done the work to reinforce your boundaries and see the warning signs.

His behaviour is coercive, his grumpiness isn't ok. There's a word for a man who coerces you into sex and it shouldn't be partner op.

You are making a lot of excuses for what is essentially abuse.

Sex pest. Dump. Post haste

Poor lamb, he doesn’t mean to sulk and punish his partner, but he has his manly needs, so that’s ok then.

Wake up @N0ChildrenYet and stop making excuses for this man. Raise your bar, you’re worth more than this.

"s struggling with life at the moment. He’s not treated well by his employers, his dog is dying and he LOVES his dog so so so much. His general home environment is horrible"

He needs to fix these
Ok he cannot fix his dog.
The rest yes
look for new job
Tidy his houseboat or move
You are not there to fix him by having sex with him
It maybe that he is fixated on sex as the one thing he can demand ftom you while not acting to adrress some other issues like his living arrangements

That sums up what I’ve felt he’s doing tbh

I don’t think he’s in any way abusive or coercive but I do think he’s inadvertently manipulative

I love him but I don’t always like him

I was going to answer and say it's a 'man trait'; men get tetchy when they want sex and it's denied. I know my husband used to watch the cloud formation when I was sunbathing in the garden. ...when a big one came along, he would start getting affectionate. I knew what he was doing, it would irritate me, and obviously sex would be off the agenda. We laugh about it now...at the time it wasn't funny.

But reading OP's posts, it goes deeper than that. No man should be grumpy. because his partner is not in the mood...at least not for more than 5 minutes.
No woman wants to be mithered for sex, especially if health issues are involved.
I agree with a previous poster who advised talking before dumping.

Dumping is the last resort, not the first.

My problem with this is that we always reduce sex to a man's problem, and try to make women feel wrong if they are the one with a normal sex drive.

It doesn't make the grumpiness acceptable but maybe we should finally normalise that men AND WOMEN want and need sex, or that SOME do, and some more than others.

Thank you xx