AIBU Be Fed Up of Partner’s Grumpiness from ‘lack’ of sex?

[N0ChildrenYet]

Been with boyfriend for coming up to 5 years. He gets really moody if it’s been over a week of no sex (sometimes pushing two weeks). I have quite a few health problems and so honestly am not in the mood a lot of the time due to being in pain/feeling sick or being exhausted.

He has quite a lot on his plate in the way that there are things in his life making him unhappy. But whenever I see him and there’s a missed opportunity for sex, I feel like his mood changes and he’s just in a bad one. And as the week goes on/if we go into a second week or potentially over that, his mood gets worse.

i understand that having sex is a stress release for him and it cheers him up, but at the moment I feel responsible for his happiness in that the pressure is put on me to do something I don’t actually want to do to make him happy - when he’s being a grump all the time. He’s not really ever affectionate outside of having sex. There are times when I’ve pulled him up on this and he has been more affectionate when he knows that making the effort a bit more consistently will more often lead to more sex. But he just has no drive to actually be remotely romantic or affectionate with me, and is constantly in a grouch if we’ve been together and he’s realised there’s not going to be any sex.

i don’t really know how to get out of this pattern. I’ve been so patient and understanding so far but I’ve kind of got to the end of my patience now with it.

I know he has needs, but AIBU for getting annoyed at this? Is once a week/once every other week enough?

Has anyone else dealt with this?

We don’t have any kids - I’m just a lurker on mumsnet 😂

Honestly he is doing less than the bare minimum. Our lives completely changed course when I became ill and my husband did struggle with it but he has never stopped supporting me. He takes me out and does the driving and sacrifices his own things for me. He preps dinner before he goes out to his second job.
I'm not telling you this to brag, but if you feel your dp deserves better then I suspect you are letting yourself be treated badly because you don't think you deserve better.
You do deserve better. He shouldn't be sulking.
He should be seeing you as a whole person and not a sex object.
You are NOT high maintenance. You have needs because you are human. Don't ever let a man think you are asking for more than you deserve.

You keep contradicting yourself.

You say he sulks if you go too long (in his eyes) without sex, but also "He’s incredibly patient and never actually forces me to do anything I don’t want to do as he knows I’ve been coerced before."

Quite honestly it's you or no-one for him as nobody else would put up with his behaviour.

This is the dynamic you need to examine carefully. When you say he's inadvertently manipulative, what that says to me is that he engages in behaviour that causes a change in your behaviour. Why does that happen? Is it because of something in your past - i.e. you fear grumpy behaviour so you have sex to alleviate your fear? Or is it because you know that if you don't give him what he wants things will get worse? Do you fear him abandoning you?

It could well be that he's behaving in a fairly reasonably tetchy way, but that you're way overinterpreting his actions and feel responsible for repairing the situation so he doesn't leave you. It could also be that he's far more canny than you think and he knows that if punishes you - subtly - he'll get what he wants.

The only way to figure out what's really going on is to talk to him. Any attempt on his part to deny or downplay your concerns is a huge red flag - he should at least hear what you have to say, if only to reassure you that in fact he's fine with not having sex and he's sorry his reaction was so obvious. If he did say that, then the grumpy behaviour should and must stop.

It could also be the case that you two are just not compatible. You want emotional connection and affection. He wants sex. Neither of you is getting what you want. If you can't work that difference out, it may be time to call it a day.

One thing I would point out is that after 5 years the relationship should be committed and serious. The way you talk about him makes him seem quite disconnected from you, which isn't reassuring.

I was in a coercive relationship with a manipulative man. It was exhausting. I could never do enough, there was always something else that was wrong or my fault. And I didn’t know until my current relationship (which began when I was 42 and had been single for five years) that not every relationship is about remembering to do/not do the thing, about twisting yourself into uncomfortable shapes to make someone else feel better so that they’re nice to you.

@N0ChildrenYet it doesn’t have to be like this. You could be alone and contented in your own company. You could be with someone who actively wants and tries to be kind and loving towards you, without having to be reminded that that’s what boyfriends are supposed to be towards their partner. You could be living a life on your terms, where you aren’t coerced (whether inadvertently or not) into having sex you don’t want just do that your partner will be nice to you.

It’s so sad that we don’t all know this from childhood. I really hope you can find your contentment without this man; you shouldn’t need to make so many excuses for him.

‘What he means by it’ isn’t relevant here.

His behaviour is making you uncomfortable. That means a long term relationship isn’t going to work.

You do not have to be uncomfortable in a relationship. Your lives should each be better for being together. You will resent this more and more, and nothing kills your sex drive quite so dead as duty sex.

At the very least you both are incompatible - in terms of sex drives, temperaments etc. And, that is going to inevitably lead to resentment and upset. I'm not sure this is something you can just shove under the carpet.