To think it’s not always that the mum is a narcissist?

[shockingday]

I have 2 daughters 8 and 10 and my eldest is very well behaved, good manners and generally a kind and considerate person.
My youngest is strong willed and can be quite challenging behaviour wise but in her eyes her sister can do no wrong when she’s right in the fact I never need to tell my eldest off because she is always good at home and good at school and wouldn’t want to do anything wrong because it’s just not in her nature so I can see the contrast in how my children will view my parenting towards them as my youngest is quite often doing things she knows she shouldn’t and gets told about things.

It’s got me thinking that when she grows up she might see her sister as a golden child and her as a black sheep and me as a narcissist as lots of children do and claim she was always in trouble and her sister could do no wrong, but actually they are loved just the same but truthfully one is easy and does exactly as she asks and is helpful, chatty and friendly so easy to get along with and the other is defiant a lot of the time and argumentative making it a lot more challenging.

I often hear of narcissistic parents who people feel had favourites who were treated differently and wonder if sometimes, not always but it may not be the case that there was a golden child and a black sheep and that there was actually just a child that was always good and a child that wasn’t?

One of mine is far more challenging than the other, but I don’t talk about my kids the way you do yours. You sound like you think you are justified having a favourite because one is lovely and the other misbehaves. Obviously both kids must have great qualities rather than one just being naughty.

I can see your point in some ways but the way you’ve talked about the kids lines up with how you think your youngest will view you in my opinion.

You're way out of line, OP. There aren't 'good children' and 'bad children' aged eight and ten. You are creating this situation. You need to find a way of getting through to your younger daughter. If she's misbehaving, maybe she needs more positive, individual attention, and less comparison, implicit or explicit, with her older sister.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Some kids are just bloody hard work and some aren’t. The ones that aren’t obviously don’t get told off loads.

My eldest does no wrong. Middle child is in trouble a lot, well was, it's definitely reduced the last year or so. They're 17 and 15 now and I can't imagine them ever seeing it as golden child and scapegoat. I love them both the same, have lots of positive moments with them both and strong bonds. I never compare them or say things like "Middle you should be more like eldest/eldest never does this". They both have their strengths and I tell them individually what they are.

There are SO many other things beyond the perception of a golden child and a scapegoat child that makes the parent a narcissist.

Firstly stop "labelling" your children.

Secondly, the scapegoat is very often the well behaved, no trouble child. And their less well behaved sibling is the one that gets all the attention.

So perhaps it's worth you thinking about about your family dynamics?

That’s not how it works OP. As a family scapegoat I can do no right - I was the easiest going well behaved child who was constantly criticised, teased, put down and punished when I broke and reacted to the constant negativity.

I hope your DD’s feel equally loved and don’t hear you labelling them.

I don't think that labelling the mother a narcissist is the next step in any of these scenarios?

Your focus has to be on having a challenging 8 year old and how you can help her move through this, rather than worrying about what she might think in 20 years time?

The term narcissist is very over used on Mumnsnet.

Challenging behaviour is communication and usually unmet need. I could tell my 3 year old off all day long, but I choose connection over correction where I can. It’s imperative to me that he feels like a ‘good boy’. If my kids get in trouble at school, I talk it through with them and leave it there - if they get a detention they sit it. That’s the punishment.

Those perfect do no wrong kids can be very good at not getting caught. My brother use to to all sorts of things to wind me up, nip, push, take me things, not take turns / share properly. It was always me that got in trouble. My Mum was generally clueless and quite shocked when he laughed about all the things he did to me!

Given NPD is a life long condition it stands to reason that every narcissistic mother was once a narcissistic daughter, who's own mother may have been blameless.