To think it’s not always that the mum is a narcissist?

[shockingday]

I have 2 daughters 8 and 10 and my eldest is very well behaved, good manners and generally a kind and considerate person.
My youngest is strong willed and can be quite challenging behaviour wise but in her eyes her sister can do no wrong when she’s right in the fact I never need to tell my eldest off because she is always good at home and good at school and wouldn’t want to do anything wrong because it’s just not in her nature so I can see the contrast in how my children will view my parenting towards them as my youngest is quite often doing things she knows she shouldn’t and gets told about things.

It’s got me thinking that when she grows up she might see her sister as a golden child and her as a black sheep and me as a narcissist as lots of children do and claim she was always in trouble and her sister could do no wrong, but actually they are loved just the same but truthfully one is easy and does exactly as she asks and is helpful, chatty and friendly so easy to get along with and the other is defiant a lot of the time and argumentative making it a lot more challenging.

I often hear of narcissistic parents who people feel had favourites who were treated differently and wonder if sometimes, not always but it may not be the case that there was a golden child and a black sheep and that there was actually just a child that was always good and a child that wasn’t?

Because you quite clearly didn't understand it?

Instead of pre-emptively defending yourself against accusations of unequal treatment…have you considered doing some real work on your relationship with your younger daughter? She may have a more challenging personality than her sister, but if all you’re doing is telling her off, then you’re not connecting with her properly and she will absolutely feel that! If she feels disconnected and at odds with you, less liked than her sister, then her behaviour will reflect that insecurity and unhappiness. It’s a toxic feedback loop, and as the parent it is your responsibility to break it. Stop worrying about what she might say when she’s older, and start worrying about how this might be affecting her (rather than yourself). All relationships take work. Where’s the common ground between you? What do you share? What do you love about her, and does she know that?

“I don’t talk about my kids the way you do yours”

Yes I did. And I replied. You not liking my response is your own problem, I can’t fix that for you

Well I don’t… doesn’t mean I think shes awful. But she worded it very negatively about one child and very positively about the other, which obviously both kids will have good points, just like I said in my post.

Gosh you're very angry aren't you?

You demonstrated quite clearly that you didn't quite understand the PP's post, so I explained it to you 🤷‍♂️

At the moment, there seems to be a thing for people using phrases like narcissist, golden child etc, without necessarily understanding them beyond a Reddit level. Going back a couple of decades, the only person I remember using them was a friend who actually grew up to be a clinical psychologist.
So it'll probably be something else by then, Kids have always complained about their parents, whatever they do, but it's only recently, and seemingly in the west, that this NC/using buzzwords happens-family in other countries would never dream of not respecting and looking after their parents.

My post isn’t angry, you are being a bit goady, you’ve jumped in to over explain something to
me beside you don’t like/understand what I’ve said, and you seem to want me to correct what I’ve said. Why not just leave me alone? You don’t need to dictate my responses to other people, so strange

I think narcissism and golden child dynamic are two separate things and as far as I’m aware they don’t go hand in hand.

I think your post is more about the golden child/ scapegoat dynamic.

I have two DDs neither are angels but one is definitely much harder work than the other. She is more argumentative, had way more tantrums, messier, ruder. In some ways however she is easier to parent as what you see is what you get. You know exactly what she’s feeling and thinking as it all comes straight out! My other DD is “easier” in that she does what she’s told far more and she is a lot less likely to shout at me. But she is more internal with any negative emotions which worries me for the future especially as a teen.

I suppose what I’m saying is that the child who appears “easier” outwardly may cause more or different concerns as they get older.

I do worry about the amount I tell off DD1 though, and like you I guess there is a risk she will see herself as always the criticised one in future. But am I supposed to let bad behaviour go just because of this?? If she was an only child I wouldn’t have to worry about this possible golden child interpretation - should I parent her differently just because I have two?

also as a pp says - there will be a whole new round of psychological or pseudo psychological terms by the time ours are adults !! They’ll have a whole new set of ways to decide their childhood was traumatic…

You may feel helping someone out who has clearly misunderstood another poster is 'strange', but not everyone would agree.

Anyway we'll leave it there and you're welcome 😁

<< Trying to lighten the mood with the emoji btw just incase you flip at that too >>

Goady to the last post (with the comment about the emoji) ☺️ so kind. And I stated multiple times I did not misunderstand the poster, not sure why you have struggled so much with that. But I'm glad you are happy to leave it there. Most pointless little debate that’s been had on mumsnet today 😅

I agree with @sprigatito , you need to work now on building your relationship with your DD. I understand what you mean in your post, I think the reality is that every sibling has different parents as we respond to the personalities of the child. My middle child can be very challenging. I have struggled over the years to manage him and worried lots of times that I was damaging our relationship. I realised that I was the adult and it was up to me to work harder on this relationship. He requires a lot more parenting that my other two who are very easy going and compliant.
I am softer with my youngest and my eldest commented that they all know he is my favourite. I explained to her that I love different aspects of all them and the reason I am softer with him is that he is very sensitive and prone to dwelling on criticism. He wouldnt have the same self confidence of the other two.
It not your job to parent them equally but to parent them in accordance with their needs and it sounds like your youngest has greater and different needs to your other child.
You need to connect with her, do activities together and take an interest in her interests. My DS is into computers and software, stuff that miles over my head and doesnt interest me. I do make an effort to chat to him about it and show him I am willing to learn about what he likes. I can see the change in his behaviour after these chats, he is really happy and buoyed up.

Bad behaviour isn't always a reflection of insecurity or unhappiness, in fact I believe that often the opposite is true. Children play up for people that they feel love them unconditionally and won't abandon them if they misbehave. It can be a sign of a secure attachment. It doesn't mean though that the job of the parent is to allow or enable this. It is wrong though to suggest that OP has to navel gaze and work on fixing some potentially non existent toxic cycle.

Some children are naturally more challenging and push boundaries more. I think 'spirited' children is probably the preferred term these days but previously they would have been referred to as naughty. We all know adults like this too and it's often not a bad thing as you get older as these people can often achieve great things and be super high performers.

That’s a lot of words to say “no, don’t examine your own behaviour and try to improve the relationship. It’s the child’s fault, she’s just naughty”.

I suppose the OP will decide which advice is useful to her and which is off the mark 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you believe that children are born with their own personality traits? Do you believe that some children are genetically programmed to be more spirited and push boundaries more? If you believe any of this to be true then you have to consider that children's behaviour isn't always centred around the parent. It's a weird perspective to assume that this is always or even mostly the case. If OP has two children then do you think she's parented them completely differently to have two such different children?

We should all be considering our parenting with all our children. In my experience the quite, super compliant children often have just as many, if not more, issues than the more defiant children. Good parenting should be adaptive to the child and provide them with what they need. In some cases this is boundaries and discipline.

"The heads down, silently working ones are boring."

That's a bloody strange, concerning thing for a teacher to say.

Yes just a bit weird. You do realise the “sparky” kids as you so charmingly call them, often make life hellish for the quieter ones.

An example from my childhood. I got 95/100 for a test, my mother would say what did you lose 5 points on. My brother came back with 95/100. Well done that is great.
I got my degree in my 40s, told the family WhatsApp group - my mother writes good all of my children have degrees now
What you are describing is not golden child and scape goat.

Congrats op, you have already given them their roles for the future. The damage is already done.

Same dynamic when I was a child.

Same as my childhood and the OP is already absolving herself of her future triangulation and abuse of her kids.

True though. I like kids with a bit of spark. Happy handling bottom sets. Or 2nd set kids. Clever but lively. Others can have the silent scholars.

Depends where you teach but bottom sets or even second sets don’t tend to be particularly clever. Just misbehaving and often bullies.

Bottom sets are usually a mix of behaviour and those that aren't good in my subject.

2nd set are usually a bit more able, often with a fair proportion of behaviour issues.

Those "silent scholars" are often called the invisible middle for just this reason.