AIBU to feel awful about this, and should I apologise?

[MegMortified]

My DC is in Primary 3 and every year we do a class gift for the teacher. It's always been pretty relaxed - parents contribute whatever they can or want to, no suggested amount, no pressure.

This year, though, there was a "recommended" contribution of £20. It wasn't technically compulsory, but it was being pushed quite hard in the class WhatsApp group. I found it a bit much, partly because not everyone can easily spare £20 and partly because it felt like it had shifted from a voluntary collection into something with an expectation attached.

I was convinced this had come from one particular mum who joined the class this year. She's one of those very polished, affluent-seeming types (PTA, parent council, always immaculate, cashmere-and-Volvo sort of vibe). I know that's a stereotype and probably unfair, but I genuinely assumed she was the driving force behind the higher amount.

I moaned about it to a couple of other parents and was fairly critical of her, saying I thought it was exactly the sort of thing she'd push for.
Well. I've now discovered I had it completely wrong.

It turns out the WhatsApp admin was the one who organised things, and from what I've heard the mum I blamed actually argued for keeping contributions anonymous and entirely voluntary, with no suggested amount. Apparently she was overruled by others. So the person I'd mentally cast as the villain was actually arguing the opposite position.

I feel really embarrassed and quite guilty. As far as I know, the mum in question has no idea I've been bitching about her. I've certainly never said anything directly to her.

AIBU to think I should apologise anyway, or would that just be making myself feel better and creating awkwardness where none currently exists? If someone had been unfairly judging you behind the scenes, would you rather know and receive an apology, or remain blissfully unaware?

I'd make it my business to tell her you thought it was her and you are utterly wrong.

This is the cleanest way to handle it. You never know when someone you talked to will blab it out.

Ref the WA admin, have a word with her. It's stupid to spend so much on a teachers gift.

I'd say something to her directly with an apology before someone else tells her (theres always at least one that likes to stir the pot)

This recently happened to me but in a workplace but I was the one being bitched about. Unfortunately the comments got back to me (a fall out between a couple of the other lady’s at work) and the lady has apologised to me. It was quite hurtful as the comments were nasty and totally unfounded. I’ll never really trust her again. I would speak to the women you have bitched to and say you were wrong and you really feel really bad. But I wouldn’t tell the mum as it will just be hurtful.

No they don’t

I think the chances of it getting back to her are low just based on knowing what the people I told are like, but I’m going to do what was suggested upthread and let those people know I had it totally wrong. That was if it does get back to her and she says something to me I can apologise and truthfully say that I set the record straight (albeit I know this won’t erase what I did)

Set the record straight with the parents you bitched about her to.

Tell them you got it spectacularly wrong and that you're very embarrassed at your actions.

There is no benefit to this woman in you telling her you've spread nasty gossip about her, if she doesn't know, is there? So the only benefit of your apology at this point would be to make yourself feel less guilty and as a preemptive measure in case it does get back to her, you've got your story in first.
So with that in mind, you'd do better by her in keeping quiet. Make sure those you maligned her to know you're wrong and hope that's the end of it.

I would learn the lesson and move on.If she ever finds out, I would say something like (I don't usually advocate lying but in this case it is damage limitation) that you didn't name her personally, and that you had been told it was her and as soon as you learned it wasn't you didn't say anything else. I think this will be less hurtful for her and less damaging for you. Hopefully it will all blow over.

But the lesson learned is the important part.

I have been negatively judged in groups of people without any warrant for it, more than once and for completely different, unrelated reasons. The way I dressed was one of them but for the others I honestly have no idea. I learned to grow a thick skin as it happened several times with different groups. It's not nice.

Only once have I had an apology of sorts from one judgmental b*itch (on a counselling course no less) who had made assumptions that because I was quite a gaudy, loud dresser who liked heels etc, that I was a bitchy, shallow oik who cared for nobody but herself. She found out via a different person telling her I was anything but, and I got an 'oh I didn't bother getting to know you, I didn't know you were like that! Shit!'

Not nice. And I am very mindful to be accepting of people regardless of looks and always have been, so I guess I learned my lesson in a different way!

Cashmere and Volvo sort vibe 😂
If you ever are in a wine drinking session with her it would be great for bonding!
[Shuffles closer] "Now, I had you down as the type to push a compulsory £20 teacher gift but then it turned out...." etc etc. Slightly slurry, conspiratorially, would be *chefs kiss.

Old fashioned saying “Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you”. Stay quiet, lay low and read the room for a while. If it comes up, gauge the vibes and say something. You see if someone does tell her, these things have a habit of revealing themselves. If everything seems normal, let sleeping dogs lie! And don’t assume again 😆💖

@MegMortified I think you should tell the mums you were bitching to that you are fully aware that you’re the dick and not Volvo lady, but there’s no need to tell and upset Volvo lady.

Well you outed yourself to people as a gossip of a really awful kind! You’ve judged her based on how you stereotyped her and spread it to a few people
to now go back and backtrack to the same people also makes you look bad again. I would just leave it now

It's really big of you to acknowledge your assumptions and behaviour in this way. Too often we don't do it at all. Good on you. 👏

Curious: how many kids in the class?
ie 30 kids x £20?
So a £600 gift for a teacher? Fuuuuuckkkkk....
🤦‍♀️

I think the first thing I'd do is speak to the people you moaned about her to, in order to
a) correct the false accusation &
b) check whether they have spoken to anyone else about it.
If they haven't, then maybe ask them not to and treat it as a salutory lesson.
But if they have, and there's a chance it might get back to her then you need to do more - not just apologise to her but go the extra mile to correct any false rumors.

If I was in her shoes, then correcting the record would be much more important to me than an apology.

I would not say that you heard that it was her from somebody else. All that does is telling her that more than one person is bitching about her and she would be able to trust nobody.

At least well done for admitting being wrong, most people who create drama never do! Lesson learnt, and for what it's worth, you are not the only one, sadly

Thank you - though really it’s the least I can do!

it’s a small school, only 15 in the class (but that’s still £450 which is mental - we’re not in an affluent area, I genuinely think £20 is ridiculous).

15 x 20 is £300

This is exactly what I was going to say in terms of putting it right so I think this is great advice.

Don’t feel too bad about speaking too hastily to a couple of other parents, we all do things we shouldn’t at times. You sound nice OP and have acknowledged and owned your own behaviour. I think when these things happen we have a word with ourselves and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again so I’m sure things will work out.

Good luck!

Are teachers even allowed to accept gifts of that value? I can only compare it to when I worked in the NHS. Max we were allowed to accept without declaring was £10. The declaration involved quite a lot of paperwork so I was quite grateful never to get an expensive gift!

Maths isn’t my strong point 😂

That's a £300 gift and still ridiculous. I'd agree on £5 p/p if they are able to contribute.
Gifts should never be more than lovely flowers and a card.

Teachers really do appreciate a monetary gift, usually given as a gift card.

They teach children all year - that’s not an easy day-to-day - and deserve a decent thank you. Flowers are nice but they’re dead in a week.

If she's on MN, she could read this thread

Also- stop watching Motherland.