AIBU to feel awful about this, and should I apologise?

[MegMortified]

My DC is in Primary 3 and every year we do a class gift for the teacher. It's always been pretty relaxed - parents contribute whatever they can or want to, no suggested amount, no pressure.

This year, though, there was a "recommended" contribution of £20. It wasn't technically compulsory, but it was being pushed quite hard in the class WhatsApp group. I found it a bit much, partly because not everyone can easily spare £20 and partly because it felt like it had shifted from a voluntary collection into something with an expectation attached.

I was convinced this had come from one particular mum who joined the class this year. She's one of those very polished, affluent-seeming types (PTA, parent council, always immaculate, cashmere-and-Volvo sort of vibe). I know that's a stereotype and probably unfair, but I genuinely assumed she was the driving force behind the higher amount.

I moaned about it to a couple of other parents and was fairly critical of her, saying I thought it was exactly the sort of thing she'd push for.
Well. I've now discovered I had it completely wrong.

It turns out the WhatsApp admin was the one who organised things, and from what I've heard the mum I blamed actually argued for keeping contributions anonymous and entirely voluntary, with no suggested amount. Apparently she was overruled by others. So the person I'd mentally cast as the villain was actually arguing the opposite position.

I feel really embarrassed and quite guilty. As far as I know, the mum in question has no idea I've been bitching about her. I've certainly never said anything directly to her.

AIBU to think I should apologise anyway, or would that just be making myself feel better and creating awkwardness where none currently exists? If someone had been unfairly judging you behind the scenes, would you rather know and receive an apology, or remain blissfully unaware?

I'd apologise. You don't know that someone else won't tell her that you've been unfairly complaining about her.

I'd rather remain blissfully unaware, hopefully the people you bitched about her to have more tact than you and kept it to themselves.

Well if she doesn't know for god's sake don't say anything to her!

Honestly, lesson learned, I’ll never be a dick again (at least not in this particular way). I think I would rather be blissfully unaware too but then I worry that’s just a cop out to save me from an awkward conversation.

Don’t say anything. You’ve been a dick- there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve can only make it worse.

I think you should feel a bit guilty. You resorted to immature gossiping about another parent without knowing any of the facts.

Don’t apologise though if she doesn’t know, you would be doing it entirely for your own benefit and to try and rid yourself of the guilt you feel.

I know 😔 and it was all just pathetic insecurity really, because I feel inadequate and defensive about her. Which is so stupid because I don’t even know her and in the very few interactions we’ve had she has always been polite. I honestly didn’t think much of it at the time, they were just throwaway comments, but I feel really stupid and guilty now. I know I’ve behaved badly.

Don’t apologise you will cause further upset, but you can still fix it. Bring it up with the people you bitched to and say ‘I heard X took this position actually - really appreciated that and I’d obviously got it wrong before - stupidly of me’ … and you can pay it forward by saying something positive about her to a couple of other groups in other conversations. And from now on don’t make assumptions and bitch about people!

£20 is ridiculous. I'd befriend her and moan about it together

This is a good idea, I really like this approach

Interesting that even though you know you were wrong you’ve sort of doubled down in your OP by describing her and implying of course you’d think that about her. If she doesn’t know you’ll look like a loon if you apologise. Maybe have a think about why you made the assumptions you did and why you are still attempting to diffuse that assumption by sort of implying she asked for it because she’s well groomed and drives a Volvo. Perhaps keep assumptions in your head going forward.

If this is the perception I give from driving a Volvo, I should buy another.

I wouldn't say anything to the mum. I would say something in the Whatsapp group that £20 was ridiculous and I wanted no part of it.

I like the idea of bringing up with the other people. If I knew someone who bitched like this I would wonder what they were saying about me behind my back and would distance myself from them.

I’m not trying to double down by suggesting that my assumptions were justified, more just pointing out where they came from (i.e. that she’s affluent and new to the group). Obviously they were unfair assumptions!

what’s that saying about assume again…!

Most people bitch about other people.

You’d be telling her just to make yourself feel better. Absolutely no need.

No, you've realised your error and won't do it again. If this mum seems off with you, you can apologise then. I f you do it now you are pretty much telling her she's the sort of person who would show off and cooerce other people!

They really don’t.

They really do. They just don't admit it on MN.

Speak to her, and thank her for arguing against it - you don’t have to give anymore background to your thanks. That way, if she ever hears about your bitching she’s aware that you found out that she wasn’t the instigator. And she’s had some appreciation for what wasn’t necessarily an easy position to take, even if she lost the argument.

On a more cynical note, she’ll assume anybody saying you were bitchy was, in fact, stirring.

I guess it depends on the type of people we choose to surround ourselves with. Maybe you need better friends.

God. I thought (hoped) this kind of mental gymnastics stopped when everyone left their teenage years behind.

I definitely wouldn’t tell her I’d been talking about her behind her back. Just tell the people you spoke to that you got it wrong and it wasn’t her. You were happy to talk about her when you thought she was the culprit so surely you can’t have cared that much if it got back to her?

It's actually even worse that you did this to someone who is new at the school. You know when women talk about bitchy cliques at the school gate, that's actually people like you they are talking about. You could have just made her feel welcome and found out more about her, but instead you went straight to bitching about her and making stuff up about her to the other kids parents.