Feeling like a grumpy old wench.

[2021x]

I am sure that this post will go down like a cup of cold sick, but I have absolutley noone I can talk to about this.

I am single and childfree and feeling frustrated that I can't get some time alone with any of friends even when I am paying for that time because they have children or other reponsibilites.

I am going to see a show with a friend and after the tickets were booked and paid for she said that she is bringing her adult autistic son as well... so that means all normal conversation has gone out the window. She didn't tell me before we agreed to the plans so I didn't have a choice and would have been a shit to back out or say something. I grew up with a special needs sibling that we had to always organise stuff around him and so this is hit all the particuarly crappy buttons for me.

I went to a personal trainer today and she had her 1 year old with her. He behaved fine but he was running around a bit. There was still no mention that this would be happening or checking if it was OK. I don't think a personal trainer would have dared with a male client- and it sounds like this is what she does with all of her clients.

I feel I come across to needy with people all the time, but I also haven't spoken to them in real life for a very long time that has felt like genuine connection. I had 5 weeks off inbetween jobs and I wasn't able to meet up with any friends between everyones schedules etc..

I find that I am just either buying myself shit, or eating myself into oblivian to fill the void. I just want to go somewhere and have a party.. I haven't been to a wedding or similar for ages.

I know its a moan and I can't change anything but I am feeling shit about it and for obvious reasons I can't say anything to anyone. I have plenty of hobbies and things to occupy myself, but I just want to watch a TV programme with something with someone and chat shit for a bit.

I am being unreasonable- get your own life and stop being so needy.
I am not being unreasonable- yeah its shit and hurts when you are own your own.

It feels overwhelming but it’s worth it to find your tribe. It took me until my 40s as ended up having to move on when anyone started having kids. Don’t regret it now

I wonder if your resentment of their kids being there is coming across to your friends? And that’s what has caused them to back off a bit (e.g. not arranging adults-only meetups either).

We had kids first out if all our friends. The ones who were genuinely happy to just meet at a cafe, whatever, and happy to interact with the kids are the ones we are still closest to.

I also want “adult time” sometimes, so I tend to keep it 50/50 - alternating between having a family day seeing that friend, or just a girls day where we meet up adults-only. But if it was a friend who never made an effort with my kids, or didn’t seem genuine, then I wouldn’t prioritise meeting up with them at all. You can feel if someone’s interest in your life is fake or genuine.

With the friend with the adult autistic son, I think you are missing a bit of empathy there. It must be hard for her to say no if he wanted to come along. It’s hard having an autistic child full stop. If she’s true friend, why wouldn’t you just be inclusive of him?

PT should have rescheduled but being charitable towards your friend, it’s probably quite lonely being a parent to an autistic adult son. Maybe when she agreed to going someone was going with to look after him but it fell through.

If someone is a good friend they aren’t just someone you go to activities with, you’re sharing their lives with them and that’s probably going to involve their children sometimes.

I don’t have kids but I know that when I see some friends I’m going to end up watching cocomelon and playing with Barbies because that’s where they’re at in their lives, just like they were there for me when I wasn’t particularly fun.

If you want friends with only the fun parts then join some groups or something.

I think its perfectly reasonable to set some boundaries with regards to time with others. For instance, it's inappropriate for you PT to bring her one year old, and as a paying customer, fine to say can your sessions be booked for times she has childcare. Or find another PT!
Trickier with friends, particularly those with responsibilities for children or disabled family members. I think you can still speak up, but would need to be quite tactful in saying you'd appreciate the opportunity to see them one on one. I don't think a reasonable person would see that as 'needy'.
You might also want to consider finding your people. Often older women have more time and space to devote to friendships due to partners who don't share a particular interest and fewer demands due to older children, so they are out there. You might just need to cast a wider net. Try places where women do go alone, book groups, classes, walking groups etc.

You'll probably be accused of ageism and wenchism now.

I empathise with your situation.

The two examples you gave are annoying but I get the impression you are expecting WAAAY too much from friendship. You remind me of teenage girl besties who talk almost every day and share everything.

The whole talk about "intimacy" is weird. That's not something most adult friends can give you.

i am a little older so my child has grown but quite a few of my friends do still have children but we make time to meet up either in the pub child free or if they have had a heavy week at mine where there are no kids no pets and have a series we watch together drinking wine and eating pizza but we try to do this every couple of weeks as it is more about giving them a break from mummy life which is rough at times (especially with teens or SEN)

Perhaps you could try groups local to you or booking a singles holiday if you want to have fun and meet like minded single people. Eg we have a ladies walking group in our town for a ramble and a natter and it's for all ages. As a mum myself, sometimes I have had to take my children along to things when it wasn't the original plan - school closing due to bad weather as an example, which can't be helped. Would you have preferred your friend to cancel your plans at the last minute when you had already booked and paid for your tickets?

I don't understand why some women feel the need to drag their kids along to everything, adult conversation goes out the window, so it's not exactly a catch up is it.

Most of my friends can't wait to get rid of the kids for an evening off being mum.

Good answer.

Sometimes it just can't be helped.

Tell the person you are supposed to be meeting up with about the change in plans or rearrange then.

But then you tell friend you were meeting/apologise. Just turning up with any extra person, be it child or partner or old mother or wench is bad manners as it of course alters the dynamics.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If anything, I feel similar to you. I’m married but no children. But I have a need to connect with female friends, and I don’t want it to be with or about children (sore topic for me!)

The point I was making is that I wasn’t asked, it was assumed after the plans were made which I find irritating.

Fuck off with your judgment and inability to read a room.

What resentment- I just preferred to be asked rather than it being assumed?

I would ask if I had to bring another person in any circumstances. If the PT had said look I have my kid with me do you want to reschedule it wouldn’t have been a problem, and if my friend had said me and xxxx are going to see the show do you want to come.

Do you think that is unreasonable?

But interacting with the kids is fine if that is everyone’s expectation and you are happy to so do.

I think it’s different if it is foisted on you.

I would have been furious with the PT - completely unprofessional. I would have refused to pay and left a very negative review as I dont want to pay so that someone can do a half assed job whilst watching their child