Feeling like a grumpy old wench.

[2021x]

I am sure that this post will go down like a cup of cold sick, but I have absolutley noone I can talk to about this.

I am single and childfree and feeling frustrated that I can't get some time alone with any of friends even when I am paying for that time because they have children or other reponsibilites.

I am going to see a show with a friend and after the tickets were booked and paid for she said that she is bringing her adult autistic son as well... so that means all normal conversation has gone out the window. She didn't tell me before we agreed to the plans so I didn't have a choice and would have been a shit to back out or say something. I grew up with a special needs sibling that we had to always organise stuff around him and so this is hit all the particuarly crappy buttons for me.

I went to a personal trainer today and she had her 1 year old with her. He behaved fine but he was running around a bit. There was still no mention that this would be happening or checking if it was OK. I don't think a personal trainer would have dared with a male client- and it sounds like this is what she does with all of her clients.

I feel I come across to needy with people all the time, but I also haven't spoken to them in real life for a very long time that has felt like genuine connection. I had 5 weeks off inbetween jobs and I wasn't able to meet up with any friends between everyones schedules etc..

I find that I am just either buying myself shit, or eating myself into oblivian to fill the void. I just want to go somewhere and have a party.. I haven't been to a wedding or similar for ages.

I know its a moan and I can't change anything but I am feeling shit about it and for obvious reasons I can't say anything to anyone. I have plenty of hobbies and things to occupy myself, but I just want to watch a TV programme with something with someone and chat shit for a bit.

I am being unreasonable- get your own life and stop being so needy.
I am not being unreasonable- yeah its shit and hurts when you are own your own.

Rivals is a fantastic TV show. I'm not sure anyone actually wants that to be their life though...the drama would be exhausting!!

You maybe just need to get out and involved in things a bit more. Community events, hobby groups, etc. Meet people in real life and socialising that way.

Yup all those boxes ticked... but genuine connection is very hard to come by and then circumstances change again...

We have teens
Our friends gave teens

We openly say “need a lone adult female/male day”

Give and take

The alternative parent monitors the children

But you have to be vocal and clear about your wants.

It is, but it takes time to form a true connection, it is rarely immediate. None of your friendships prior to now were formed instantly, they took work. And are often based on pure proximity (think childhood friends, you usually end up friends with the people you're with at school mostly rather than people you see once a month at a swimming competition but felt a true connection with, for example).

If there's someone at the hobby group you get on well with but aren't currently feeling the "true connection" with, maybe just spend a bit more time? Invite for a drink afterwards, or a coffee, etc?

You need to expand your friendship group. I’m early forties and have one teen, so get lots of free time. Can go out in the evening and go away for weekends. I read somewhere (it was a meme but I made sense) that at 42 I have friends that are grandparents, friends with newborns, childfree friends and friends like me with teens.

I’ve always got someone to do things with if I want. I do turn down things, because going for a Sunday roast with a group of friends with several toddlers is not my idea of fun, when I can have a civilised meal with my Dh and dd. I’ve been there and done that! People should be open with you if they’re bringing kids. That’s just rude.

Thats my point. I have spent a lot of time building up these friendships and then the circumstances change and I feel like I am back a square one because the people I share intimacy with have a change in circumstances.

good for you.

Good grief get a grip 🙄

In fairness, ‘wench’ means ‘girl or young woman’, but I’m not sure the OP knows that.

Have you spoken with them and explicitly asked for what you need?

I know one of my friends needs things like nights out drinking and dancing, which I can no longer stand. But I will sometimes do that with her, in the same way she sometimes comes and stays in with me.

I know one of my child free friends needs adult only time. And I'll plan that in with him, in the same way he understands and accommodates the fact that sometimes I haven't got anyone who can look after DD when we are both otherwise free and will join us at the park, for example.

Do your friends know what you need from them, as well as you compromising to accommodate their circumstances?

Why click on the thread then? Just ignore it and happily go about your day.

Yes, but I also understand that they can't accomodate it at the moment as they are trying to work their own shit out.

I guess its me that the odd one out, because I don't have a partner or anyone else to fall back on.

I would be pissed off in both those scenarios. I would certainly be looking for another PT that’s really unprofessional.

I understand what you mean when the dynamics of close friendships change. A few of my close friendships seem to have diluted down into coffee and cake meet ups. Which is nice once in a while but frankly I would like to do something a bit more exciting or further afield.

Branching out is not easy I’m a slow burn with new friendships so takes me a long time to build a really good connection.

Yes thank you.. I know I am the complicating factor. I have had a lot of therapy to deal with the reasons why, but a slow-burn is accurate description.

Then you go back to the drawing board and find new connections again. Widen your circle so you have those "fall backs".

I have a husband and children, and am still looking for friends. It's hard.
Many of my friends are single and child free. Don't lose hope.

Because its exhausting... and scary, I will do it but just feeling a bit low about the whole thing at the moment.

That's understandable, it's hard to make friends. And you're allowed to feel miffed and have a bit of a moan.

But, at the end of the day, it's getting comfortable with your own company the majority of the time or keep trying to form lasting connections. No other real options.

Are there any networking events relating to your work that you could go to? These are often surprisingly fun evenings and you have the potential to meet some like minded pals there ? Maybe not, but just a suggestion

YANBU at all OP. But yeah, unless you create more friendships with people without kids, it’s tough going. I’m 40 with a 3yo and my life looks very different now. I try as hard as I can to maintain friendship with one of my best friends without children, scheduling child-free time for us, sticking to our catch ups etc but some of my other friendships have definitely taken a back seat. Here we’re both trying hard to preserve what we have but often that’s not the case. It’s much easier to be on the same page with people who are in a similar setup to you.

PT is bang out of order. Find a new one. She will know why without you having to tell her.
It's ok to not want to be around kids.
Find some clubs to join.

Because it is important to call out ageism.
How are the negative attitudes to age ever going to change if nobody ever challenges it?
Ignoring it perpetuates it.

But there isn't any? She described herself as old, how is that ageism?

Policing MN threads isn't going to change attitudes. It's a public forum. If you feel strongly lobby in a meaningful way.