AIBU not to offer my ex the spare dance show ticket?

[FunkyDancer223]

My daughter, who I co parent with my ex partner, has her dance show next weekend.

About a month ago an email went round with details of how to buy tickets. As soon as I got it, I bought tickets for myself, my partner and our son, and I forwarded the email to my ex partner so they had all the information and could buy their own ticket.

The show came up in conversation recently and something my ex partner said made me wonder whether they’d forgotten about it. I asked if they’d bought a ticket and they said no. They then asked me to send the details again, so I resent the same email I’d originally forwarded a month ago.

After clicking the link they could see that the show is now sold out and there are no tickets left.

The thing is, my son is no longer coming so I now have a spare ticket which I’ve been told can be changed from a child ticket to an adult ticket if needed.

Ordinarily I’d probably just offer it, but there is a bit of history here. It often feels like I’m the one keeping track of dates, forms, deadlines and arrangements, and this isn’t the first time something has been forgotten and I’ve ended up being the one who could fix it.

Part of me thinks our daughter would want both parents there. Another part of me feels that I’ve already done my bit. I bought my tickets when they were released, forwarded the information at the time, and then sent it again when asked.

I also can’t help feeling that one of the reasons this sort of thing keeps happening is that there always seems to be a safety net. Whenever something is forgotten, there ends up being a way around it and I find myself stepping in to help fix the situation. I’m beginning to wonder whether constantly doing that just means there are never any real consequences when things are forgotten.

At the same time, I don’t want my daughter to lose out because of a situation that isn’t her fault.

My ex partner hasn’t asked whether I have a spare ticket and I haven’t mentioned that I do.

AIBU if I say nothing, or should I offer the spare ticket for our daughter’s sake?

There’s been a spate of these recently - “the vicar”, “my boss” etc along with gender-neutral pronouns where the vast majority of commenters assume the gender of the person being talked about based on their pre-held views on gender roles. Up until I pointed it out, pretty much everyone who had commented on this thread had used ‘he’ rather than ‘they’. It has crossed my mind that someone may be using MN as a source of data for research into gender bias as these sorts of posts occur frequently.

I'd offer it back to the wider Dance Club to readvertise as a spare/return. If Ex is on the ball and really wants to go, he can get the ticket via that route.

Sorry OP, you will need to suck it up and offer him the ticket and don't forget, he will owe you one .

@FunkyDancer223 Let your DD decide. How old is she?

"DD, daddy forgot to buy tickets to your dance show and it is now sold out, but as your brother is no longer going, I have a spare one. Would you like me to offer him the spare one so he can watch you dance?"

You're being honest but at the same time making it clear that he messed up and you saved his butt, but without being nasty about it!

She will obviously say yes.

Going against the grain here. I wouldn’t give ex the ticket. If he cared enough, he’d have got one. He didn’t.

I would not be bailing him out.

It is a shame for your daughter but if you step in now, you’ll be stepping in forever to ensure he gets to be a parent that shows up without any of the thought and hassle involved. Maybe it’s the wake up call he needs - and for your daughter to see how rubbish he actually is.

I note that he hasn't asked. Cynically I'm wondering if he "forgot"on purpose as he doesn't really want to go.

I think I would (for daughter's sake) mention that I now have a spare that he can buy off you if he wants, but that he'll have to do the work of having it transferred from a child ticket to an adult ticket. Don't mention to daughter as he might say no thanks I've got other plans now which would be worse for her to know.

No need for all the point scoring and navel grazing. I’d offer the ticket and not give it any more thought.

Yes, I was wondering the same.
So best not mention it to DD in advance just in case he has no intention of going.

My DH was not a fan of dance recitals and rarely went. It didn’t bother my DDs too much, they just knew it wasn’t Dads thing.

But he was upfront about it.

Poor kid
Dont know what's worse. A dad that didn't get on with buying a ticket, or a mother knowingly not helping the dad to attend in order to make some kind of point.

If you give him the ticket, it just reinforces that you think of things before even he does.

Your dd will be fine, it's better in the long term if he learns a lesson from this.

It's not her job to help him again and again and again.

I bet he doesn't forget to plan for work events.

I’d offer the ticket to my mum or dad.
Next time don’t remind him then you won’t know there is a situation to fix.
If he doesn’t get the emails directly, tell him he needs to get himself put on the list then forward nothing and ask no questions.

Thats what i mean.
Mum: Not my job to help him yet again
Child: No dad at show cause it wasn't mum's job to help him yet again.
Poor kid

Kid has her family coming to see her. In the longer term, it's better for her dad to wake up and plan better for his dd.

I've been the child in this situation. I didn't appreciate how much effort one parent was making until communication switched to me and I spent a long while trying to work out what I'd done wrong. In my case it would have been gentler to find out at an earlier age. I'd lean towards asking the child who she'd like to invite, and suggesting to her that we check if the other parent had a ticket.

Don’t be petty.

Of course you should give it to him. Why didn’t you get his when you got yours?

The real reason there would be no dad at the show is that he didn’t buy a ticket in time… again.

Yes… it is a real shame for a kid when one parent cares so little about being there for them.

So @FunkyDancer223 what are you going to do ?

He had his chance and clearly didn’t bother why is it up to you ?

Because they are an ex? If they had replied saying "could you get one for me when you get yours and I'll send you the money" it would be one thing, but why should this person be organising for their ex? Sounds a lot like deliberate incompetance to me.

It would be petty not to offer the ticket.

However you should not be fixing things, make it clear to exhibit that next time he needs to be more on it or him and your daughter miss out.