AIBU not to offer my ex the spare dance show ticket?

[FunkyDancer223]

My daughter, who I co parent with my ex partner, has her dance show next weekend.

About a month ago an email went round with details of how to buy tickets. As soon as I got it, I bought tickets for myself, my partner and our son, and I forwarded the email to my ex partner so they had all the information and could buy their own ticket.

The show came up in conversation recently and something my ex partner said made me wonder whether they’d forgotten about it. I asked if they’d bought a ticket and they said no. They then asked me to send the details again, so I resent the same email I’d originally forwarded a month ago.

After clicking the link they could see that the show is now sold out and there are no tickets left.

The thing is, my son is no longer coming so I now have a spare ticket which I’ve been told can be changed from a child ticket to an adult ticket if needed.

Ordinarily I’d probably just offer it, but there is a bit of history here. It often feels like I’m the one keeping track of dates, forms, deadlines and arrangements, and this isn’t the first time something has been forgotten and I’ve ended up being the one who could fix it.

Part of me thinks our daughter would want both parents there. Another part of me feels that I’ve already done my bit. I bought my tickets when they were released, forwarded the information at the time, and then sent it again when asked.

I also can’t help feeling that one of the reasons this sort of thing keeps happening is that there always seems to be a safety net. Whenever something is forgotten, there ends up being a way around it and I find myself stepping in to help fix the situation. I’m beginning to wonder whether constantly doing that just means there are never any real consequences when things are forgotten.

At the same time, I don’t want my daughter to lose out because of a situation that isn’t her fault.

My ex partner hasn’t asked whether I have a spare ticket and I haven’t mentioned that I do.

AIBU if I say nothing, or should I offer the spare ticket for our daughter’s sake?

Nah, don’t bother. DH’s ex does this all the time. The latest one was ‘can you book DSS prom’, before that it was ‘can you book all my appointments to meet the teachers for parents evening?’ DH just said no, do it yourself. To be clear, he can’t even log onto the website for the prom so no idea why she was asking.

Don't punish your daughter

Offer it but make him pay for it.

I can certainly understand your frustration at being the one to deal with the mental load. However, the best outcome for your DD would be that her dad ca. come too.

This is what I'd do.

But he's not, so there is.

Yes
life’s too short

My opinion would be the same either way.

Don’t spite your DD in order to gain points against your ex. That is very unreasonable of you

It's just easier than 'her other parent'. & let's face it, it's vastly more likely to be her Dad.

This is irrelevant because OPs son isn’t going and there is a spare ticket

Offer him the ticket but leave it to him to arrange to turn it into an adult ticket.
At some point you won’t be able to fix a situation and he will have to explain to his D why he’s not there etc.

I don't think it's helpful to enable someone's incompetence. Especially an ex. It's better the children have a clear picture, that the ex couldn't be bothered.

That's not punishing your daughter. You shouldn't be 'mothering' your ex by fixing situations for them. Not even for your child.

Do it for your daughter.

Because they/them can be used as a single or a plural pronoun. Don’t worry, nobody is trying to trans you.

Give him the ticket and he’s it as the opportunity to make sure he’s on mailing lists/school comms etc. If you had to forward the email, that implies he’s not.

There will be another time when your ex does this and you don’t have an extra, so this time I would offer the ticket but make sure you don’t keep bailing them out

You should put your daughter's feelings first, not your petty vendetta against your ex.

Give it to him for your daughter. This is what a good parent does. Think all you want to about what an idiot he is, moan about him to friends and MN, but don't punish your child...ever.

She will soon learn what her father is like on her own. She will quietly or not thank you for rushing above it and always put her first.

Regardless of their sex give the spare ticket to your Ex but tell them it's the last time, in future if they don't bother to get their own then it's on them to tell your DD why. It's not petty not to want to carry the load for an ex, all it tells them is they can leave it all to you

I get it op, with a useless exH I totally get it. But think of it as being a safety net for your dd, not your ex. One day she'll see through his incompetence, and then you'll have to step in and deal with that too and it's exhausting, but for now just make her happy

I agree with PP you will feel much better if you go high and do what is right for your DD.

I also coparent with someone like this and it is incredibly frustrating that despite being separated, the burden of remembering everything is still with you. At times I end up feeling like a bit of PA to my ex-husband.

That said, 9 times out of 10 I will just suck it up. Sometimes my new DH finds it annoying as he says I wipe ex-DH arse but ultimately if I don’t, it is the kids that will suffer from missing a party or going to school in the wrong uniform or like in your scenario, not having both parents at a show.

When the kids are older, I think they’ll come to see things for how they were so I try not to say anything in front of them, hard as it can be.

So annoying as it is, you do need to give her dad the ticket in my opinion.

Of course you give him the spare ticket.
The presence of parents at dance shows is primarily for the benefit of the child.
For the parent it tends to be a rather tedious occasion of watching other people's children at length, in order to see a few moments of their own child and their child sees them. A responsibility rather than a treat, that I'd be wanting him to step up for.
By withholding the ticket, I doubt very much your ex would feel punished.
Your DD however probably would.

It’s not that. There have been a lot of these posts recently - “the vicar”, “my boss” etc using gender-neutral pronouns - where the vast majority of commenters have assumed the gender of the person being talked about based on their gender bias. When asked, the OP always ignores the question about gender or just disappears when too many people start asking. I have wondered if it’s all the same person researching into gender bias.