AIBU to feel distant after my husband told me to stop complaining?

[smaka]

I am going through a very stressful period at work at the moment. Working flat out 8am - 11pm most days. I complain to DH a lot and get very stressed out by all the unpleasant colleagues I have.

DH had sharp words with me telling me he’s fed up of hearing about it. I either quit or shut up.

I take his point and should complain less. But ever since then, I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what. I have to watch what I say but I now feel cool with him, like the thing that can keep me sane has gone. I now would rather just go see my friends on the weekend than talk to him and he asks me why I dislike him.

You need to find a career coach or therapist , your husband has had enough and that’s ok.

I agree with the first poster.

And your friends will be distancing themselves from you if all you do is moan about work.

How long ago was his comment? Had the work situation been going on long? Is there an end point in sight? Do you complain too much? Do you make time to tune in/listen to him? Is this a pattern for him?

more importantly have you discussed how feel about his comment with him?

I think this is part of a bigger picture but if he is normally a good partner he may have clumsily been setting a boundary. Or do you feel like he is a fair weather friend.

I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what.

I dont think you have the ick.

I think you are butt hurt.

You are married ... compose yourself and talk to him.

Yes stress is hard but so is being an endless emotional dumping ground.
No one can be everything to anyone.

I say this as someone whose been on both sides of that coin

Yeah, as someone who’s been on the receiving end of endless complaints with no effort to change the situation, I think you’re feeling cold because your DH has shown you a side of yourself that you’re not ready to face.

If you find you are able to stay sane while not shifting the complaining to your friends or a family member, you should take time to think about whether it was really necessary to dump all that stress on your husband.

You’re just sulking because he told you some home-truths.

I am with him on this you might be doing him a favour to give him some space

Come on op, nobody likes people who moan 24/7. Your friends will start distancing next, wind in it a bit. Quit and find a new job or just stop complaining.

Sounds like he got the ick first really.

Working flat out 8am - 11pm
So you're in his ear about work late at night or early in the morning, or both. No wonder he's done with it. There can't have been much time left for sleeping any normal interaction between you.

My dh is an awful moaner about work and dumps it all on me. I told him a while ago I’d had enough and he’s really reined it in, when he starts now I just don’t engage in the conversation.
he’s had enough, take that on board and do something about it

I don't know what you do for a job but surely no job is worth working that amount of hours. You say you are working 15 hours a day most days. Your husband is right, you need to find a other job.

I think it sounds like you gave your husband the 'ick' a while ago.
Reel it in. Nobody minds some moaning but constant is bloody boring, tiresome and draining. Stop thinking about yourself for a little while and don't let your pride cause a big issue out of this.

Just for the record, I asked my OH to stop moaning tonight too about his work. It's constant. I have told him to get another job in the past too. No job is worth the way yours is making you feel by the way.

My youngest DD has got into the habit of constantly complaining about work and it's spoiling days out. It does get draining listening to ongoing negativity. You aren't seeing much of each other and if it is all you talk about, he has a point.

No one is at their best working 15 hour days. Is the end in sight for this project or is this normal for you OP?

It can be exhausting listening to someone constantly complaining about a situation but never doing anything to make it better. Take it on the chin and accept that you need to rein it in.

As my coach says, if you are in a situation you don't like, you lose the right to complain if you do nothing about it.

What do you plan to do to change the situation? Are you looking for a new job, an internal transfer?

My dad used to come in from work, kick/lock us out of the living room to spend however long complaining to my mum about work .... every night

It's one of the reasons she divorced him

Team DH here, what is the point of being married to someone who is working from 8am to 11pm and when you do see them they just want to complain about their work.

OP you need to sort it out.

My DH can get like this so I have also had to do the same as your DH. It’s incredibly tedious to listen to and gets you down when you’ve had a long day at work too. He now talks to chat GPT on the way home or his dad.

There's nothing worse than someone complaining constantly about a situation they're doing nothing to change. A few times, ok. But not going on and on. Either change it or stop complaining.

I was your DH at one time. My DH would come home and off load, I’d get wound up on his behalf and offer solutions which he would ignore and come home next time with the same complaints, and this just went on and on. In the end I told him that I didn’t want to know anything about his work, and it caused tension and resentment. So if you need to off load, do it somewhere else.

You are either a workaholic or someone with no boundaries who expects DH to share the burden of your bad decisions.

You sound really immature and selfish. Like you want to punish him for not being hour sounding board and have absolutely no care for rhe impact your behaviour has on him.

quite frankly it should be him who is distant to you, if my husband behaved like you do, I’d have sharp words and if he didn’t get himself sorted attitude wise, I’d tell him to fuck off.

Your husband has a point albeit a bit harsh.

Why don’t you look for another job? That you can change.