AIBU to feel distant after my husband told me to stop complaining?

[smaka]

I am going through a very stressful period at work at the moment. Working flat out 8am - 11pm most days. I complain to DH a lot and get very stressed out by all the unpleasant colleagues I have.

DH had sharp words with me telling me he’s fed up of hearing about it. I either quit or shut up.

I take his point and should complain less. But ever since then, I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what. I have to watch what I say but I now feel cool with him, like the thing that can keep me sane has gone. I now would rather just go see my friends on the weekend than talk to him and he asks me why I dislike him.

8am - 11pm sod that.

why are you working such long hours?

My DH is like this and it can do my head in. He wfh and as soon as I get in, he will immediately offload about his day…every conversation or email that pissed him off, every Teams meeting, all his annoying colleagues. He doesn’t want feedback, just to rant. Every day.

Thing is I work in a job that carries more risk than him and have some work stress and worries of my own but there is no room for it (which doesn’t really bother me as I hate talking about work at home!) He doesn’t really know anything about my job but I have to know his in immense detail. I come home after a long day and feel like I have to relive his. I am also at the point of saying do something about it or stop moaning.

Basically…Team OP’s Husband.

I was your dh for a long time. It's exhausting, depressing and ultimately boring to listen to constant moaning, especially if the person isn't doing anything constructive to change their situation and seems to have no interest or concern what the impact of their moaning is on the other person. Coupled with phone calls about how much he hated him job and was going to resign.

Dh interpreted me asking him to reign it in a bit or suggesting that he looks for another job as me not caring about him. He didn't like it and it was one of the litany of my (many) failures that he brought up in couples therapy.

We separated earlier this year.

Honestly constant venting is incredibly draining. Your DH has listened a lot before he got to his limit. He has reached his limit and it is ok to set limits around draining behaviour.

You feel annoyed because he turned down the role of being an unpaid therapist for you. He doesn’t want that role. You and your marriage would be better if you found a paid therapist and offloaded to them.

Unless his is a bad ‘un in other ways, this one is for you to deal with.

Me too. You need to find a way of resolving this as a couple.
And DH is right that staying in a situation you hate and constantly complaining is a bad way to be. Either leave the job or accept that this is how things are there.

So what are you doing about either changing things at work, or changing your job?

It is a job not a prison sentence, you can quit, so my dh would suggest that as well if I moaned as much as it sounds like you have been? If something is within your capacity to change and solely within your capacity I think it’s fair there’s a limit on spousal support and sympathy. Eg dh sick with the flu- sympathy and I carry the family load and care for him. Dh incapacitated with a hungover- fucking furious, zero interest in hearing him complain about it, and if you don’t take your son to football no one will, you’re letting us down.
a little bit of work moaning- sympathy. A lot of work stress from the breadwinner and we’ve considered other options and decided they need to stick with it for their family, or stick it out while job hunting - sympathy. A lot of work moaning and no plan- fix it yourself please, you can and I can’t.

Why should he have to put up with endless complaining?

Is that really what attracts you to him? For him to be your whipping boy so that you can take your stress out on him? YABVU.

Find a better way to manage your stress so that it doesn’t ruin your non-work life (in addition to your work life). Or get another job.

PS Edited to add: if you are moaning to your friends instead they will also get sick of you. If you aren’t moaning to your friends, then why do they get better treatment than your DH?

Your 'coach' sounds very simplistic and a bit toxic, hope you don't pay for that kind of advice!

Does this job of yours keep the family afloat and without it you would sink? Because if that’s the case then your husband should be a hell of a lot more supportive. Unless he earns enough for you to change jobs to something much less stressful, fewer hours and potentially less money then he should be doing everything he can to support you.

I agree! DH is having palliative care at home, probably going to die in the next few days. I hate our situation but there is nothing I can do to change it. Sometimes you have to accept that. Any therapist that comes out with that sort of simplistic crap needs sacking.

incessant moaning is very unattractive and draining.
I had a partner that did this every evening and I was tired from my own day already, note that I HAD this partner. It’s okay to moan occasionally and unload, but if it’s daily then it’s too much! Get a therapist and start thinking of your partners needs.

Some of these comments are a little unkind OP.

Actually it’s difficult for us to comment on whether you or he is being unreasonable without knowing how much is ‘a lot’ of complaining. I mean, if it’s constant and eating its way into every interaction you have with him then perhaps his comments are justified. It sounds like he snapped, justifiably so if that’s all he gets when he is with you. He might even have meant it with concern. He sees the impact it’s having on you both and feels like quitting might be healthier than this constant negative impact. But of course we know quitting your job is rarely a straightforward thing. It’s also annoying if he’s making suggestions for you to help the situation, like making a complaint or speaking to someone senior or HR, and you aren’t taking them on board. The other person can then check out of trying to be supportive.

On the other hand, if you are just having a vent when you come in from work and occasionally at other times, then his response is a bit selfish and immature. Part of being in a relationship is emotionally supporting the other person in hard times. But some people find that difficult. It’s about the overall balance really.

In all honesty it might be worth thinking about whether this job is right for you. The hours sound killer- why are you working 15 hour days? No one can sustain that indefinitely, especially in a toxic environment. Is it something like social work? I’m a social worker (albeit in a less pressurised non frontline role now) and hours like that are not uncommon and can feel inescapable at times. But is also a career not just a job, difficult to just get out of. You need to speak to someone.

If anyone was expecting me to work 15 hours a day, however supposedly important the project was, I'd tell them to shove it, and if any family member of mine was doing it, I'd have strong words with them too.

Life's too bloody short.

I think your response is a very natural drawing back from someone who has rejected the level of emotional intimacy you were offering and needed when sharing your travails with work.
That said, he is a person too and perhaps it is time to find a therapist (the kids use their AI!) to download to.
Also to fix the root problem which is that they do not have enough staff at your work, and are not prioritising projects correctly.
I have been in your situation and ended up
burming out and quitting. Can you talk to your boss and either get longer deadlines or hand off some projects? Alternatively, what happens if you shut your laptop at 6pm and don’t check your phone?