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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel distant after my husband told me to stop complaining?

66 replies

smaka · 30/05/2026 00:19

I am going through a very stressful period at work at the moment. Working flat out 8am - 11pm most days. I complain to DH a lot and get very stressed out by all the unpleasant colleagues I have.

DH had sharp words with me telling me he’s fed up of hearing about it. I either quit or shut up.

I take his point and should complain less. But ever since then, I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what. I have to watch what I say but I now feel cool with him, like the thing that can keep me sane has gone. I now would rather just go see my friends on the weekend than talk to him and he asks me why I dislike him.

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 30/05/2026 07:00

I think its reasonable to vent to your partner and get support

But if you do it constantly and EXPECT support to the degree that you do (you've now got the ick because you can't get what you want) imo you need help to navigate relationships (friends and romantic relationships)

mamajong · 30/05/2026 07:05

The truth hurts and I think thats what youre feeling. I have a friend who moans constantly about work and it is exhausting and a bit boring. Once youve given all the advice you can it comes down to what your husband said - you decide if you can tolerate it or if to quit. Stonewalling your husband because he can no longer tolerate your moaning is actually quite controlling. Maybe you need to quit your job and your marriage!

Miyagi99 · 30/05/2026 07:18

socks1107 · 30/05/2026 01:05

My dh is an awful moaner about work and dumps it all on me. I told him a while ago I’d had enough and he’s really reined it in, when he starts now I just don’t engage in the conversation.
he’s had enough, take that on board and do something about it

I have this too! I let him vent for a bit but shut it down after a while because he ends up feeling better and I end up feeling terrible. We all have to moan now and then but not everyday and not when there’s no attempt at resolution.

topcat2014 · 30/05/2026 07:23

Who is requiring you to work to 11pm, jeez. I would be annoyed too. Constant winging is very draining

CosmicBlunder · 30/05/2026 07:38

OP, my work becomes like yours at certain key pinch points in the academic year, and the rest of it isn't particularly 'normal' either in terms of working hours. But it's the job I'm stuck with for financial reasons for now. So I suck it up and understand it is my responsibility.

Please leave your husband be. He has demonstrated something which you and I perhaps lack: a healthy boundary around the expectation of the extent to which we allow work to impact our lives. He's said he's not prepared to allow your work to impact his life in the way it currently is. Good for him.

Boomer55 · 30/05/2026 07:39

I wouldn’t want to be around someone who was constantly bleating on about their job, married to them or not.

No wonder he’s fed up.

Either just get on with it, or look for another job. 🙄

Londonnight · 30/05/2026 08:10

I was married to someone who moaned constantly about their work and their colleagues. It's draining having to listen to this all the time. I am with your DH on this. If your working life is so bad that you have to moan about it all the time, get a different job that you will be happier in or stop moaning about the one you have now.

By the way, I am no longer married as the moaning finally wore me down as he wouldn't stop and I realised that my life would be so much better without him in my life and it is!

PoppinjayPolly · 30/05/2026 08:14

ASeriesOfTubes · 30/05/2026 01:01

Working flat out 8am - 11pm
So you're in his ear about work late at night or early in the morning, or both. No wonder he's done with it. There can't have been much time left for sleeping any normal interaction between you.

And do you wfh or on location? So are you taking over the home or never there or only there and moaning?

SpinSpinSugarPuff · 30/05/2026 08:21

The constant negativity just gets to a person. Try saying something positive about work. I feel for your dh

tiramisugelato · 30/05/2026 08:28

I’d tell you to pack it in as well - I can’t stand people who just whinge and whine all the time.

Tinytwinle · 30/05/2026 08:29

Ive been around some people that go on and on and on about the the same thing over and over.
I even i have said the same thing as your husband.

BuildbyNumbere · 30/05/2026 20:07

Tbf he is probably sick and tired of hearing about it … he can’t do anything, you’re obviously not changing anything, so why keep moaning to him … sounds exhausting!

outerspacepotato · 30/05/2026 20:11

If you're constantly dumping your work complaints on him, yeah, he's likely sick of hearing it. Your friends will be too if you go on to them every day.

Your work hours are unsustainable and why aren't you doing something about that?

NotMeAtAll · 30/05/2026 20:16

Constantly moaning means he probably doesn't enjoy being around you.

Stoicandhappy · 30/05/2026 20:18

Why are you working such long hours?

If you are choosing to do so then moaning about it I can understand why DP would be bored of listening to it.

Sandalsandbreadsticks · 30/05/2026 20:20

I think it's natural that if you need support through a tough time and he tells you to shut up then you wouldn't feel the same about him. Obviously depends on how long it's been going on and what the prospects are for the future with the job. I think people on here are being far too harsh to you.

ThatFlakyGuide · 30/05/2026 20:21

smaka · 30/05/2026 00:19

I am going through a very stressful period at work at the moment. Working flat out 8am - 11pm most days. I complain to DH a lot and get very stressed out by all the unpleasant colleagues I have.

DH had sharp words with me telling me he’s fed up of hearing about it. I either quit or shut up.

I take his point and should complain less. But ever since then, I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what. I have to watch what I say but I now feel cool with him, like the thing that can keep me sane has gone. I now would rather just go see my friends on the weekend than talk to him and he asks me why I dislike him.

There is only so much you can expect someone to listen to - if it’s that bad look for a new job - no job is worth that. Also consider therapy to offload. I don’t know what area you work in but is supervision an option? (As in therapy relating to your work rather than someone overseeing you!)

Stars2theside · 30/05/2026 20:33

Are you a Taurus and him an Aries? I just ask because that’s me and my partner and it’s exactly how he would react to me doing this! But if it means anything, I don’t think you’re BU. You would listen to him if it was the other way around. The problem is, if we always treat people like we would like to be treated - we will forever be disappointed! 🌺

worldshottestmom · 30/05/2026 20:34

It's either a new job or a new husband. I'd go with a new job since working those hours would make me want to delete myself, honestly, and listening to someone complain about working those hours during my only free time would also make me want to delete myself.

Trotula · 30/05/2026 20:35

Why are you working such long days? Is this normal for your job or just a short term need?
Are there children that he’s taking care of during the time you are working?
Its horrible for you both, he’s fed up but you must be exhausted, it’s no way to live!

ThePeppyOpalScroller · 30/05/2026 20:44

smaka · 30/05/2026 00:19

I am going through a very stressful period at work at the moment. Working flat out 8am - 11pm most days. I complain to DH a lot and get very stressed out by all the unpleasant colleagues I have.

DH had sharp words with me telling me he’s fed up of hearing about it. I either quit or shut up.

I take his point and should complain less. But ever since then, I don’t feel the same about him. I’m not sure if it’s an ick or what. I have to watch what I say but I now feel cool with him, like the thing that can keep me sane has gone. I now would rather just go see my friends on the weekend than talk to him and he asks me why I dislike him.

He's your husband, not your counsellor. I'd find you absolutely draining. What's he supposed to do, just listen to you complain all evening?

Hatty65 · 30/05/2026 20:51

Constant complaining about anything is really tiresome. It sounds like you have very little time to spend with your DH if you are working those hours - and that the time you do spend with him is spent moaning about work.

What do you expect him to do about your 'unpleasant colleagues'? Just listen to you moan, presumably. You need to either deal with them or shut up about them.

Team DH.

PlaygroundAllDay43321 · 30/05/2026 20:53

I've been on the receiving end of this and it is extremely draining.

Dogmum74 · Yesterday 06:31

I feel bad for your husband. You sound like a nightmare. Moaning all of the time to him non stop, he rightly tells you to get another job if you hate it that much and that he is sick of you moaning about it, and now you are not speaking to him. What a very selfish and immature woman you are.

SingtotheCat · Yesterday 06:57

Your working hours are unsustainable. Your DH is telling you that he wants a partner back and not a worker drone.
I vote YANBU, because you feel how you feel, but so does your DH.
You are unhappy with work, so is he. What are you going to do about it?