Am I stingy and not living life to the full?

[Yealoo]

I’m a single parent but in honesty my attitude to money has always been like this long before DD 3.

I have an income of 5k a month (ex not in the picture and doesn’t contribute financially other than now and then sending 100 quid, ongoing cms case but he’s self employed).

I own around 60% of my home so still have a 250k mortgage to pay off and I am 39 so not just starting out.

I have around 50k savings and my family know about this just because we often talk about investments and options. I recently mentioned that I was going to treat myself at Christmas and buy a 30ml 80 pound perfume as someone at work had it and it was amazing and it was almost like a trigger point for my sibling who basically said I was stingy and she couldn’t believe I would put off getting that for myself when it literally wouldn’t have any actual impact on my finances, it’s not going to deplete them.

It maybe sounds like a small comment but it was very scathing. My parents and other sibling then agreed I needed to lighten up and live a bit!!

The thing is I will spend on DD and I buy nice gifts for people (or so I hope!) and it’s not like I dislike buying things it’s just to me that purchase of perfume would be VERY extravagant. Is it? Do you agree or am I stingy?

There's no need to not buy yourself a relatively modest non essential if you can afford it. I find it quite bizarre that people won't allow themselves to buy things for themselves unless it's 'for Christmas'.

But it depends on your other spending. If you have no pension and spend hundreds of pounds a month on coffees, lunches and haircuts you might need to review your spending, otherwise, if you can afford it, buy it.

Your budget should include some none essential spending for you, as well as savings, pension contributions, emergency fund etc.

I am a lone parent (as in widowed) and people who have not been in this position really have no idea of financial responsibility this entails, let alone the emotional strain. I do understand, although my income is a couple of grand less than yours. Luckily I have no mortgage. DC are now grown ups and the financial pressure feels less, although university etc. There is no one else to fall back on, and apart from a 25% reduction in council tax, when our income was more than halved, we just had to get on with it. Luckily we could but house repairs, a broken car etc when you only have one wage coming in are a nightmare. Also the child care costs....! Trying to get through the school holidays and after school is like having a second mortgage. I am learning I can now spend some money on myself, but the things we value and are personal. My money goes on travel because I am free to do that now. When I was a student I blew loads of money on perfume because at that stage in my life that mattered to me.

I was like this for a long time, only started spending when income went to stupid levels (temporarily) and am now more measured but spend for convenience.

£5k a month is a great income but given you 'only' have 50k of savings and aren't a big spender you must have high outgoings?

You can't spend £80 on a luxury every time you want one, but something that'll make you happy occasionally sounds like it'd be worth buying more frequently.

YABVU to be talking about Christmas now you made me hyperventilate for a second

I will willingly spend money on things that add value to my life (or those of people I care about); but I will penny pinch for things I think are wasteful and I don't really care who knows that. After all, the latter enables the former.

One of the end results is that I'm looking at being in a position to retire in my early 50s because of it, as a single woman with a fully paid off house, no debt and a very decent pension a few years after that.

Spend or save your money in whatever way you see fit; don't worry about what other people think.

I kind of get it. I am also a single parent and now that my kids have grown up and my savings are better I relax a bit more but there has definitely been times where I would have done what you do. Where I am now I have paid off my mortgage, I have savings I could live off for 2 years if I got zero money from elsewhere (which wouldn't happen as I live in Sweden) and my kids both work and no longer live at home. Now, for the first time in years, I feel like I can relax and not worry about money. With a 3 year old with an unreliable dad I wouldn't be able to, not with that mortgage and rates and inflation.

I don't know that I think ONE £80 item is extravagant, but if you do it for that that are probably a few dozen other £80 things that are equivalent that you also like and it is really easy for that to turn into £400+ a month habit where you can barely remember what you've bought. Waiting for something as a treat can really enhance how much you enjoy it.

Once a year for something like that is certainly on the fringes for someone in your financial position, but IF you are happy with your current lifestyle, YANBU at all and your priorities seem destined to give you a happy middle age where you have a stable situation and can afford your one big luxury - indulging your DD.

At some point it might be worth putting yourself first a bit more - DD is going to move on, so if you don't have interests that will expand to fill your life when she does, putting some resources into developing some would be wise. But that's different from buying luxuries just to have.

It’s interesting because I might splurge on a family day out or even a pair of shoes, but I have only ever had perfume as a Christmas gift. Do what feels right to you.

I would t say stingy but you are being hard on yourself. It's fine to have treats now and then

I'm like this. I am petrified of not having money in the future so I struggle to spend any money on myself and have to justify it like you did in saying it was your Christmas present. It's helped to set myself a monthly "treat" budget but even then I often don't like to spend it in case something else comes along.

I spent my whole life being relatively sensible with money. I am in a fortunate position where I could retire at 55, however even now it goes against the grain to stop saving. When my financial advisor gave me the numbers, my first thought was "ooh, I could save £500 a month". Then I realise I am at the point where I should be thinking about spending not saving. There is nothing like seeing savings grow.

Then, on the counter side, my wife died and a purchase we had been putting off buying got delivered on the day she started end of life care. A ninja creami and some other ninja bits. She would have loved the ice cream, and never got to see it. It is a small thing in the great cosmic oneness, but I guess my message is that we are only here once, we don't know what is around the corner. The balance of those two aspects is difficult as none of us know what is around the corner, but by the same token, it is a bit pointless being the wealthiest person in the graveyard.

I don’t know if I’d call it stingy because I feel like that’s more about how you treat others, but it’s certainly cautious. Personally I think it’s a shame you feel like you can’t do something nice for yourself now and again. Life really is for living and if you really fancy this perfume, just think of the many days you’ll get enjoyment from smelling it. That’s worth something too.

Did you used to not have a lot of money & so save so much & consider purchases cos you are always worried about having a safety net? Its very hard to get past that mentality, people just see you get paid well so it shouldn’t be an issue!

I would recommend that you give yourself a little fun fund each month. For you to spend on things that come up like the perfume, if you don’t spend it then pop it into savings at the end of the month or save it for higher ticket items Its then budgeted and feels less like an extravagance.

I think you sound like a proper adult who has stepped up for your daughter.

Your ex sounds hopeless so you are leading the way for her. I think women like you are to be admired. Keep saving and use the money later to have lovely days with her and buy time and experiences.

Stop being harsh on yourself too. I just sense that. Totally undeserved. You're doing brilliantly

I live alone, so responsible for my bills. Earn a good wage. I am sensible and save. Previously I would have been like you. I have a DP who earns well but spends well. He has no debts, but likes nice holidays.

I have changed and would now buy the perfume. I suppose his influence has rubbed off. I still save as I don’t know what’s round the corner. But save less and enjoy more.

i like my nice holidays now. Treat yourself

I just do not understand you. Most people's mortgage is bigger than their savings. She's talking about £80!

I think YABU. I spend more than that on alcohol a month 😜

I get it. I can't seem to spend money on myself despite earning good wage. I buy for others without second thought but agonise over small things for myself like a pack of nice pens. Several weeks of looking at them in my basket and wondering whether I really needed them. They cost £7! I think it's an attitude towards money that we have from a young age.

I think you're sensible to prioritise having a solid cushion of savings - it's because you've been 'stingy' (or, as I would say, sensibly cautious) that you have that back-up.

In your position I would buy the perfume now.
It will give you pleasure.

I would stop talking about finances with them. Ultimately it's up to you. It's nice to treat yourself at Christmas, that might make it feel extra special

Will it give OP less pleasure at Christmas? Particularly if she doesn’t get many/any gifts on the day?

I think this is a really important point Getting an expensive perfume at Christmas feels like a real treat and something special. Just buying it on a random day in May and it being no particular big deal makes it feel less special (or it would for me, anyway).

most people don’t only buy what’s necessary and most people wouldn’t call thqt extravagant no, unless couldn’t afford it.

in fact it’s quite a lower end perfume cost.