Help me come to my senses

[cadburygorilla]

I come from a very small family due to my parents both being only children. Because of medical reasons, I am childfree and it looks unlikely I’ll ever have nephews and nieces. Because of this, my friends are the closest people I have.

My absolute best friend is getting married (and by best friend, I mean, if I were to make my will tomorrow, she’d inherit my estate because I have no decendants in the family). She’s said that she wants family only bridesmaids, because she’s been bridesmaid a few times to others and wants to avoid the drama of picking people and maybe upsetting some because she couldn’t pick them all because they were so many she’s been bridesmaid to.

The Irony is, I fully support this decision. I’m all for low drama, so I think she’s being really sensible. But I just can’t get over the fact that I feel like I’m greiving the experience of being by her side during her big day. I think a part of my hoped that I was different because all the friends she’s been bridesmaids for have been people from her work and uni, and I’m the only friend from home (which is where she’ll set up home with her future husband) and who’s been through school with her. I’m fairly well connected in the area so quite a bit of her social life is through me.

I’m so annoyed with myself for feeling sad like this, because I really do believe that she’s doing the right thing to avoid dramas. But I just feel sad about it too. Any tips on how I can get over this and enjoy the day for what it is?! I was the first person she phoned with the news that she was engaged and she’s always said that I’m her best friend because I come from a similar background to her that not everyone would understand the way of life so I’ve started thinking irrationally like “I can’t mean that much to her if she doesn’t want me by her side” - argh!!

aIBU - you need to get over this
YNBU - it’s ok for this to hurt a little

I think I’m also embarrassed because a few people have made comments like “you’ll definitely be bridesmaid”, and I’m having to explain that I’m not. I know that I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but I can’t help it

Can’t you just ask her? Say how much it would mean to you.

I think the power of 'and' is important here - you can understand her decision AND be disappointed by it. You can feel upset AND recognise that it is not an indication of the strength of your friendship. Take a step back if you need to but try to remember that her wedding is about her and her partner, not your friendship.

If I were you, I would focus less on not being picked as a bridesmaid and as more on getting a will made. How come you don't have one? Everyone should have a will.

I agree. I’ve paid my mortgage off too so I really need to sort it, especially as I’m planning on buying a second property and will inherit a third, but the problem is that I don’t know what to do with the estate. If I had to pick a person, it would go to the one getting married as she’s my best friend, but I’m not sure I mean as much to her as she does to me as she has more family and work colleague around which widens her circle. My other option is to leave it to a charity; I just can’t decide which is the best option and I don’t want to rush into this

This kind of thought pattern will be toxic if you let it. You won't always be front and centre, best to focus on being grateful for the friendship and happy for her. You're like those whatsits turning into butterflies, just different looking but both beautiful.

OP, I actually think she has been quite insensitive towards you.
Try not to let it spoil your day though.

I would definitely be rethinking your will.
So many genuinely good organisations that could benefit from your generosity.

Oh I’m sorry about this. I completely understand when you say you’re not sure you mean as much to her as she does to you ☹️. Been there and it hurts.

So I’d focus on the will too. I’d be thinking of a children’s charity, or a medical one, or Water Aid (think that’s right, they just dig wells I think) or Smile Train where it’s a train carrying medical staff that repair cleft lips in ?Africa? or there’s a similar one for eyes and teeth, I would channel my hurt into investigating some of these. There is sure to be one or more that really grab your attention and your interest. Don’t forget to enjoy your money yourself too.

Experiencing this kind of hurt and disappointment is a normal part of life. Absolutely nothing you can do about it but thank yourself it doesn’t happen often and know that you’ll feel better with time.

Do you think it means she doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her?

I think you’re entitled to feel hurt. And I would be rethinking the friendship in terms of you being a priority.

I wouldn’t leave anything to her in your will.

I'm not in a dissimilar position...

Why not split it... Some to your bff and the majority to whichever charity you support?

Research based charities are always good I think

I'm afraid it sounds as though, whilst you regard her as your very best friend, she doesn't hold you in quite the same status.

I do think your intention to make her your beneficiary in your will has subconsciously warped your view of your relationship with her. That it has given you an expectation of her holding you in a special position in the hierarchy of her friendship group.

I agree with pp that you should think about leaving your money to some charity or charities close to your heart rather than to your friend. Not only will the charity benefit but your friendship with this woman will be a lot healthier without the financial aspect warping it.

You went to school together so are presumably the same age, and she's getting married, so the will issue is really neither here nor there as you both hopefully have much longer lives to live and there's no guarantee of you going first.
With not being a bridesmaid, I can understand you're feeling hurt and I've been there. People you love dearly and who also love you dearly are still going to make decisions that they feel are appropriate but you feel hurt by, and it's okay to acknowledge those feelings. I once wasn't a friend's bridesmaid but acted instead as her "right hand woman", the behind the scenes person who helped store her dress, assisted with toilet breaks and organising, whilst the bridesmaids did the hosting support. Perhaps what means something to you most is being able to be important to her having a great day and you could offer some sort of meaningful support she'll remember instead? For me, the best friend role is often more about who you can rely on than who gets to wear a matching dress. If she has family bridesmaids, it's probably a lot less about what she thinks about the people wearing the bridesmaid dresses as her support network and more about pleasing family.

On the topic of wills, I'm in a similar position.

But don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

You can make one quickly and cheaply and change it as time goes by. Nobody needs to know what's in it or when it changes. Even the person you choose as executor doesn't need to know the contents ahead of time (but do ask them if theyre ok with being named executor)

Better that someone gets it than it goes somewhere useless.

Also, I found the act of writing it down helped hugely in terms of what I didn't want and how much i really liked the recipients.

On the topic of weddings, as PP said, you can be supportive yet still saddened. Have you talked about anything beyond bridesmaid? Is there an expectation of involvement in planning etc?

Your OP implies you have at least one sibling. Would you not leave them something in your will?

If you want to mostly benefit a charity, think of what is meaningful to you and potentially talk to possible recipients and see how they deal with legacies. Are they well run and would they use it well?

But you can always change it in future if your circumstances and priorities change.

As for the bridesmaid thing, you probably do need to get over it, since it doesn't seem in any way to be about your friendship and a wedding is just one day anyway.

Talk to a good wills solicitor. Ours had some excellent suggestions of things to think through and ways to approach it. She was worth every penny.

Charity always

well it seems like she is putting her family first , ‘to avoid the drama’. this should be a bit of a reality check for you. she clearly didn’t include you in her most inner circle.
don’t leave anything to her in your will. enjoy your money and leave everything that might be left to charity - plenty to choose from. if i were you i’d leave it all to one which supports individuals to pursue higher ed (think PhDs) whom otherwise couldn’t. this would be a much better use of your money. or perhaps adopt the attitude of my lovely mil who told my husb (her own son to be clear) not to expect any inheritance cos she will spend it all :))

If she's skipping bridesmaids altogether, that's a fair choice and should give you a ready-made answer if anyone says "you'll be bridesmaid" - you won't because there aren't any. That also means you're not being left out at the actual wedding; she may want you to be with her as she gets ready but not give it the traditional name. If this is the case I would say something to her about hopign you can support her in some way on the day.

If she is having bridesmaids but restricting it to family, that feels a little bit mean, unless perhaps it's limited to unmarried sisters of the bride and groom. (Of course, it's easy to get around the transactional obligation of asking someone to be your bridesmaid because you were theirs since traditionally married women were not expected to be bridesmaids.)

It's understandable that you're upset, but unfortunately the upsetting thing has already happened - even if you told her how you feel and she changed her mind, I doubt it would fix things. I'd give it a little time and in the meantime don't feel pressured to explain her decisions to anyone else. if someone asks if you ARE a bridesmaid you can just say no, if they say "of course you will be", say nothing - your friend can explain her decisions directly to anyone who needs to know.

OP it is perfectly understandable that you are hurt. The decision does not mean that you are not hugely important to her though. Just that she sees the role of family and friends at her wedding as different. For what it’s worth I think she has been insensitive to your situation. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you very much.

I shall add to what others have said about your will though. If you die intestate, from what you have said, it would mean the government would get your money. Surely even “getting it wrong” in terms of your will is better than that. I am puzzled by the idea it has to be all or nothing for your friend. Why not leave her a proportion of your estate? And smaller amounts to other good friends. And then maybe consider a local charity that is well run. If you are prominent locally you may know a trustee of a local charity.

When my daughter died last year so much money was donated in her name to a small local children’s charity that it doubled their yearly income (it is a very small charity) and was enough for them to create a children’s garden. And my other children have been exceptionally well supported by another small local charity that supports bereaved children and young people. There are some wonderful small charities who would benefit hugely from a bequest. But it does sound as though a bequest to your best friend is probably in order too. You can review your will whenever you wish. But please get on and make one!

I really wish you well as you sit with this feeling of hurt. Try not to let it impact an otherwise good friendship. But I totally get the big feelings you have over it.

Sorry you feel that you musn’t mean that much to her, that is a leap unless she is doing other things to distance herself? Is there another role you can play, has she said anything about the evening before or maybe even breakfast on the day, a reading in church - there is no rule that says non bridesmaids can’t play a part.

I wonder if she is keeping the peace in the
longterm by having family members involved more than she would like. I didn’t want bridesmaids at all and stuck to that but can see why people feel they have to. Fear of a big fallout in the future and can’t have it thrown back at her?

You could try and have the mindset that she wants you to stay in her life always and this is the safe way, in her mind, for her to do it I guess? She may not have thought it of it from your perspective on a deeper personal level.

write the will now OP unless you want it all to go to your siblings. Share it between your friend, your favourite charities and anyone else you are fond of . You can easily change it later.

“firsttimepregnanthelp · Today 01:22
I think the power of 'and' is important here - you can understand her decision AND be disappointed by it. You can feel upset AND recognise that it is not an indication of the strength of your friendship. Take a step back if you need to but try to remember that her wedding is about her and her partner, not your friendship.”

@firsttimepregnanthelp has nailed it. This with bells on.

About the bridesmaid thing, you feel what you feel and you are very hurt. But you are risking losing your dearest friend by taking her decision to mean something it doesn't mean. She doesn't want the hassle of other friends being jealous. That's all. Your relationship is the same as ever, unless you change it by fretting.