Help me come to my senses

[cadburygorilla]

I come from a very small family due to my parents both being only children. Because of medical reasons, I am childfree and it looks unlikely I’ll ever have nephews and nieces. Because of this, my friends are the closest people I have.

My absolute best friend is getting married (and by best friend, I mean, if I were to make my will tomorrow, she’d inherit my estate because I have no decendants in the family). She’s said that she wants family only bridesmaids, because she’s been bridesmaid a few times to others and wants to avoid the drama of picking people and maybe upsetting some because she couldn’t pick them all because they were so many she’s been bridesmaid to.

The Irony is, I fully support this decision. I’m all for low drama, so I think she’s being really sensible. But I just can’t get over the fact that I feel like I’m greiving the experience of being by her side during her big day. I think a part of my hoped that I was different because all the friends she’s been bridesmaids for have been people from her work and uni, and I’m the only friend from home (which is where she’ll set up home with her future husband) and who’s been through school with her. I’m fairly well connected in the area so quite a bit of her social life is through me.

I’m so annoyed with myself for feeling sad like this, because I really do believe that she’s doing the right thing to avoid dramas. But I just feel sad about it too. Any tips on how I can get over this and enjoy the day for what it is?! I was the first person she phoned with the news that she was engaged and she’s always said that I’m her best friend because I come from a similar background to her that not everyone would understand the way of life so I’ve started thinking irrationally like “I can’t mean that much to her if she doesn’t want me by her side” - argh!!

aIBU - you need to get over this
YNBU - it’s ok for this to hurt a little

There you go again. She should behave entirely differently and make an exception to a perfectly sensible rule because I am special and different and the rules don't apply to me.

And now you're referring to 'all my family' being invited to the wedding, too, whereas your first post makes you out to be a special case because you have so few family members. Which is it?

Surely the fact that she's invited your entire family to her wedding should be enough of an indication that you're special to her? But instead you're complaining on the internet about how she should have completely changed her rationale for bridesmaids because the usual rules don't apply to you, and now suddenly you're cutting her out of your will?

I see absolutely no indication that she doesn't value you highly, and consider you every bit as a close a friend as you do her. On the other hand, your friendship seems to come with caveats. 'Single me out as uniquely special in your wedding plans or I'll leave my money to charity'?

To be honest I can't think of anything worse than being a bridesmaid (I was a flower girl in 1972 and that was enough for me).
I've also read a passage from the Bible at DSIS and BIL church wedding. That was terrifying.
If you go as a guest, you are free to come and go, to wear what you want and not have to organise the hen do.

I think the only way to overcome it, is to face it, feel your feelings, then accept it and focus on what you do have.
My friends are in the 'family photos' of our milestone events, because if they weren't, there would be no one from 'my side' in them! I'm not in theirs. The trick is to learn not to expect to be. To acknowledge that your situation and theirs is different and that you have to share them with others and step aside for others in a way they don't in your life.
If your friend didn't have a sister you would probably be MoH. If you had family, she may not be your 'sister'.

@cadburygorilla I've seen this so many times in my life. People saying that their best friend is just like (or even more important than) a sister. That they'd walk through fire for them. But in reality, it's rarely reciprocated on the same intense level. I'm not saying your friend isn't very fond of you but she is naturally prioritising her family. When the chips are down, blood usually is thicker than water. And now she's getting married and will possibly start a family, her life and priorities will shift yet again. Friendships constantly evolve and sometimes just fizzle out as life moves on. I advise you to make a will and think very carefully about the beneficiary.

I have a best friend from childhood, I really love her and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have. When she got married she didn’t have any bridesmaids, she essentially eloped and got married in secret. I was quite upset to not see her get married, (I didn’t tell her this) but I did understand her reasons.
When I got married I didn’t ask her to be Matron of Honour. Now I really regret this, but at the time I assumed that she would hate the role, but feel obliged if I asked her. I had flower girls and at the last minute another close friend as a Maid of honour as she was helping with part of the reception and I wanted to say thank you. I think, although she hasn’t said so, that my other friend was quite hurt by this.
Looking back I made terrible wedding decisions, it was very stressful, we had a really tiny budget, there were family issues from fall-outs to illness to jealousy and I got very overwhelmed dealing with it all. I didn’t much enjoy my wedding for this reason. None of my decisions were remotely indicative of my love and care for the people closest to me. I had never had to organise anything before and due to the budget and size of the venue I also had to exclude a lot of people I really wanted there.
Weddings are stressful for many people, the politics of them as well as the cost . Your friendship is what you experience it to be, your friend isn’t any less of a friend or had any less love for you, it’s just a tricky thing to manage, people fall out and get huffy or jealous. It sounds to me as though she is trying to avoid all that, and that she trusts that you love and understand her and won’t get offended or flounce.
So chin up op, in years to come she might well say that she regrets this decision, I am sure she wouldn’t want to hurt you.
Re your will, if you leave anything to charities then choosing small ones is a good idea, they don’t waste so much on admin or advertising, and they are grateful for any help at all.
Also in the future you may have Godchildren you also want to leave something to.

Have you ever discussed your will with her? Would she expect to be a beneficiary?

I would do as others suggest and leave your estate to a charity/charities of your choice.

Then I’d make her the Executor!! 😉

(joking!!)

I understand why you're hurt. Maybe you need a 'role' to make you feel better. As you are such close friends, maybe tell her you understand why you can't be a bridesmaid but you feel sad not to be able to support her on her special day, and ask if you can do a reading for her at the ceremony. Or ask if you can help getting everyone organized for the photographs (photographers always need someone to run around getting brides family for this photo, grandparents for that photo etc). A small job on the day might make you feel more involved.