Help me come to my senses

[cadburygorilla]

I come from a very small family due to my parents both being only children. Because of medical reasons, I am childfree and it looks unlikely I’ll ever have nephews and nieces. Because of this, my friends are the closest people I have.

My absolute best friend is getting married (and by best friend, I mean, if I were to make my will tomorrow, she’d inherit my estate because I have no decendants in the family). She’s said that she wants family only bridesmaids, because she’s been bridesmaid a few times to others and wants to avoid the drama of picking people and maybe upsetting some because she couldn’t pick them all because they were so many she’s been bridesmaid to.

The Irony is, I fully support this decision. I’m all for low drama, so I think she’s being really sensible. But I just can’t get over the fact that I feel like I’m greiving the experience of being by her side during her big day. I think a part of my hoped that I was different because all the friends she’s been bridesmaids for have been people from her work and uni, and I’m the only friend from home (which is where she’ll set up home with her future husband) and who’s been through school with her. I’m fairly well connected in the area so quite a bit of her social life is through me.

I’m so annoyed with myself for feeling sad like this, because I really do believe that she’s doing the right thing to avoid dramas. But I just feel sad about it too. Any tips on how I can get over this and enjoy the day for what it is?! I was the first person she phoned with the news that she was engaged and she’s always said that I’m her best friend because I come from a similar background to her that not everyone would understand the way of life so I’ve started thinking irrationally like “I can’t mean that much to her if she doesn’t want me by her side” - argh!!

aIBU - you need to get over this
YNBU - it’s ok for this to hurt a little

I think it is quite possible that not including you as a bridesmaid doesn’t mean she is less fond of you than you thought. Weddings have become big money, big drama and very transactional. Her choice of bridesmaids is transactional. She has been theirs so they must be hers. It’s an obligation rather than a measure of closeness. And she has explained that to you.

I wonder if you want to be part of the wedding party so you will be seen by everyone as being a valued friend. I get that, we all like our worth to be acknowledged. But as commercial as weddings have become people are making commercial rather than emotional decisions.

If you can see it that, that a one day circus doesn’t change your relationship or your affection for her, don’t change your plans for your will. Why leave it all to charities and have a sizeable portion of it gobbled up in salaries, admin and wastefulness.

Didn’t expect this thread becoming about my will; I only threw that comment in to demonstrate how she’s the closest person I have to family lol. But thank you for your valued perspectives. I threw my thoughts into chatgpt to see what it came up with and I reckon it’s hit the nail on the head:

“For people from big extended families, “family only” still leaves room for a huge emotional circle around them. For you, friendship fills a space that family fills for other people. So when she draws a line around “family”, it unintentionally leaves you outside a category that emotionally feels central to your life.”

I would try to have a conversation with her.
She might be stressing about all the wedding decisions and think that as you know you're her best friend therefor you can take this on the chin.
Without speaking to her this will, I think, undermine your feeling of friendship a little, maybe turn into resentment and influence you and how you feel on her big day.
It might all be a misunderstanding and as she is your best friend, getting this hurt out of the way would be most important.
She would care how you feel and it's nothing to do with her big day not being about you, but how you are best friends and the ability to speak freely about your feelings.

Thank you :) I don’t think I should ever mention this to her, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect her to change her stance on this because of my personal feelings; it’s her big day to do as she wishes with it. I’ve planned to spend the morning with other friends getting ready to distract me from it, and they can get me excited rather than me staying at home alone dwelling and feeling sad about it

I think you've set up a weird dichotomy here that only exists in your own head, as if your friends are unusually important to you because you don't have aunts and uncles, and hence cousins, and that your friend who is getting married should recognise that and acknowledge it by making you her bridesmaid.

I have numerous aunts and uncles I seldom see, siblings I seldom see because we all live in different countries, and lots of scattered cousins. Like many people with average or large extended families, my friends are more important to me than family members. You're not in fact in a particularly unusual position. (I have four siblings, all childfree, so I don't have any nephews and nieces either, for instance. )

So, if you delete all that stuff, which pertains to how you see yourself, and not how your friend sees you, what you're left with is that a good friend didn't ask you to be bridesmaid because she's chosen to have family only. For perfectly good reasons, which she's explained. She's been a bridesmaid lots of times, and didn't want the bother of having to choose between all those people who might consider themselves to have a 'claim'.

If she had you as a bridesmaid, she'd be opening herself to that bother, which she's been quite clear about not wanting. She's no doubt very fond of you and values you, but bluntly, it's a bit entitled to 'grieve' some inner fantasy about being singled out for a special role on her wedding day, because you think you deserve special status because of your lack of family and because you're planning to leave all your money to her.

Dear god

Surely you can be by your friend’s side without being an ‘official bridesmaid ’?

What am I missing here?

is it really the experience of seeing your friend through her wedding you want … or is it the recognition that you are special to her amongst her friends?

Hope it all goes well

I totally get how upset you must feel and just wanted to chip in a couple of things:

1. not being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean your friendship is devalued - I’ve been a bridesmaid twice to two lovely people but neither of my “best friends” had me for different reasons (one went family only) and years down the line I can hardly remember people’s weddings tbh.
2. sometimes it’s easier to choose a preset group like family. I only chose a couple of friends who were v close but also were the two without kids which was pretty arbitrary but meant for example we could all go away together beforehand.
3. she doesn’t “owe you” because you might theoretically leave her money or because you’ve helped her make friends. I know you know this!! But just catch yourself thinking like this and kick it out of your mind.

This isn’t going to change your friendship unless you let it. Maybe it’s just giving you an unpleasant reminder of your small family circle and your desire to extend the number of people you feel close to.

You still sound very pretty young? Would you think about fostering or adopting? Sounds like you’re really secure and also you sound like a kind person. Get involved with volunteering maybe? You sound like you feel alone in the world and you want more connections. I’m sure you can make that happen 💐

If she was my best friend as described then why wouldn’t you be able to talk about it? Better than each party just assuming the other would surely understand and this potentially ruining a friendship.

I don’t think she should inherit your will at this point OP just give it to a charity or something. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but the way you are feeling is valid. Your case should have been different, it should have been family bridesmaids and you. Other people would have understood and she should have backed her choice of you. To feel that close to her that you want to give her you estate and it’s clearly not the same depth of feelings.

why can’t you speak to your best friend about your feelings and how hurt you are? She has clearly put you below colleagues in the way she treats you! Shes NOT your best friend clearly! Don’t leave her anything in your will till you have sorted out things with her and in your head! Also speak to her about the fact you’re her best friend and should be her maid of honour beside her on her day! Ask her why she’s not asked you to be? Why she treats you like this?!!

I think you need to be careful of falling into the trap of believing she feels the same way about you as you do about her. Especially if she is about to start a family which will occupy her life.

I am not sure what I would do, maybe tell her I was disappointed because she was such a good friend, but respect her decision, which from what I can tell is the truth.

It's a shame because that conversation is best had when you are told rather than at some point later.

That may give her the chance to tell her how she feels about your friendship and bring some clarity on the situation for you, or maybe think of another trusted role you could fulfill for her.

But ultimately whether you should discuss it with her, that's something only you can know.

Thank you so much - this is exactly it, because despite doing it family only to save upset, she could’ve easily justified how I’m different because I’m the only friend from home who has known her since forever and the others now have children, so in the traditional sense wouldn’t be bridesmaids anyway whereas I’m unmarried. All my family are invited to the whole day because she wants them there too, so it’s not like I’m a random person

You need to deal with this quickly.

If i had the kind of friend i would be leaving my estate to i would 100% expect to be involved in their wedding. I dont give a hoot about her reasonings and excuses. Black & White, if you are at the level of friendship where you feel so strongly (Like a sister) then you need to say. Dont mention the will. Just explain how you see your relationship. How much you really want to be involved and leave it to her.

Once she tells you where you stand you need to make some decisions.

I started off thinking YABU but actually changed my mind. I can see how it would hurt. I understand family dramas but she should & could stand up to this. I wouldn't have not had my BFF as a bridesmaid at my wedding. My family wouldnt have changed my decision on that.

I'm sorry, I think what a pp says is so correct. 2 things can be true at the same time - you can feel sad & hurt and you can also understand why she's decided to do things this way. I hope you enjoy the day.

I forgot to say that she’s having 2 bridesmaids, so it’s not as if there’s a whole row of them and it’s a numbers problem. I don’t think this is coming from her family, it’s coming from her and her fear of upsetting others.

Who is her maid of honour? You could have been given a role. I'd spread any inheritance around a bit more. You might find a local charity, anyway, as you age. Or "friends of" if there is a park etc you enjoy. Anything she gets is also her DH's, who hasn't mentioned you to her.

Her sister, who is one of the 2 in total :)

I'm an orphan and only child. So my friends are my family too. However, I accept that this isn't necessarily fully reciprocal, because their situations are different. It took a while to come to terms with that tbh, but rationally, they're not at fault because they have family that I don't.
Enjoy your friends wedding. Its one day and one day doesn't define a friendship.

Ah op
In the nicest possible way
She doesn't see you as family,she doesn't feel the same about you,than you do about her .
It happens to me all the time ,I put so much effort in to friendships and it is never reciprocated..so I can spot it a mile of .
You have time to meet someone and not be alone / leave a partner your wealth

I’m so sorry to hear this, it must have been terriy difficult. Do you have any tips on how I can overcome this? Because I’m so excited for her and the day, it just feels like a niggle that I can’t shake off despite making plans to be with friends and be genuinely enthusiastic for her - I’m so annoyed at myself for having this niggle. I think above posters are right in saying that it’s ok to be sad while also being really happy for her and totally get where she’s coming from

I dont think your friend is being unreasonable really.She has family and they come first.I also think your Leaving something in your will ,is neither here or there .Unless you are ill or much older than her .She will probably die at a similar age to you . I would leave her something and maybe split with charity of your choice .

That's understandable you'd feel a bit hurt. I would talk to your friend and see if you can come up with a way you can be involved in the day outside of being a bridesmaid. Could you help with decorating the venue or help her pick out her flowers, hairstyle or similar?

Completely understandable to be upset. I'd consider a bit of counselling to work through your feelings and allow you move forward. Did she sound regretful when she told you? Has she said you'd have been a bridesmaid otherwise?

Its really sad to see all the posts from people who are saying she doesn't think as much of you as you do of her. Please don't let those views spoil what sounds like a beautiful friendship. Can you talk to her and let her know how you feel making a point to explain that you totally understand and respect her decision but that perhaps there is a way for you to do something together. Maybe you could help plan her hen, go dress or jewellery shopping or help with table plans etc.