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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH wants custody of niece update

46 replies

milkshakess · 26/05/2026 18:06

Hi
So following on from my other thread ( I really want expecting to get over 1000 replies - thank you to everyone who replied).

MIL decided after a few weeks that she wouldn't be able to cope with the baby.

One of BIL's ex (mother of two is his kids) has now offered to take her in and has a meeting with social services tomorrow.

It is very likely she will be granted full custody, she is teacher and has 2 kids of her own and is very good with kids.

She is in her early 30s and was happy with 2 (dosent want more kids) and is more than happy to adopt her as her own.

SIL also decided that she isn't cut out to be a mum but will still see the baby.

OP posts:
BaileysHotChocolateByThePool · 26/05/2026 18:10

Thank you for the update, I had been thinking about you all. It sounds like a very good outcome. Hope all goes smoothly from now on.

Original poster
milkshakess · 26/05/2026 21:10

@BaileysHotChocolateByThePool
Aww thank you for your kind words, I think this is the best outcome.
The baby gets to be in our lives and by the sound of it is also what SIL thinks is for the best as well.

OP posts:
GrantMyWishes · 26/05/2026 21:20

Thanks for the update OP. I'm glad to hear that a satisfactory solution has been found, hopefully your DH thinks this is a good result too?

Scarlettjune · 26/05/2026 21:21

BIL's ex - what a great woman!

Dollymylove · 26/05/2026 21:34

Thats good news and the baby stays within the family 🥰

PullTheBricksDown · 26/05/2026 21:44

Thanks for the update. That sounds like as good an outcome as anyone could have hoped for. And maybe MIL can get a restful retirement now.

Nanof8 · 27/05/2026 03:48

So glad to hear the the little one will have a stable home and lots of people to love her.

Zanatdy · 27/05/2026 04:35

Wow, that’s amazing that BIL’s ex has stepped up like this. I think it sounds like a great outcome. It would have been a lot for MIL to take the baby and your heart wasn’t in it (understandably). Great outcome. Wishing that little baby a great life and good karma always for BIL’s ex as that’s quite a thing to do, when its not even direct family.

Amira96 · 27/05/2026 04:46

Thanks for the update OP. She sounds like an amazing woman, I'm sure the little girl will be in good hands.

LBFseBrom · 27/05/2026 06:14

Thanks for the update, I had been wondering

I hope it all works out, does sound like the best outcome for this little baby. She will certainly have a lot of love and care from her family, bless her, which she deserves.

CarelessWimper · 27/05/2026 06:33

Is she going to look at contraception after the birth?

Globules · 27/05/2026 06:50

Thank you for the update. That's one amazing ex.

Can I suggest that you tell the ex to look into long term fostering over adoption? If she can tolerate the ongoing social worker involvement, the baby will get ongoing financial support from the LA and access to opportunities that others don't.

One child I know who was long term fostered got a funded place at a private school for secondary, as it excelled at its sports offer (which was her bag). She had her university fees and a living grant funded for both UG and PG. She was gifted an amount for a house deposit by the LA. Plus "looked after child" opened many doors for more minor things.

Parents (they never saw themselves as carers as they had her from birth) had access to queue jump camhs when the girl needed it in her teenage years. Social workers who would arrange and pay for counselling when parents were going through a rough patch. Everything was given to support them to keep supporting the child.

Contrast this with friends who adopted a newborn and 18 month old. They had to fight for everything for their struggling teens, didn't always get it, and are saving hard for a house deposit for each of them. The young adults are still needing mum and dad to be heavily involved to support them in life.

Same LA.

Lovingapeacefulgarden · 27/05/2026 07:07

This is a good outcome so glad for you all.op.

fellupthestairs · 27/05/2026 07:21

Could we please have a link to your previous thread?

wreckingmybread · 27/05/2026 07:28

Oh I’m so happy for your niece! Thanks for the update OP.

UniversityofWarwick · 27/05/2026 07:28

Will BIL be co-parenting the child? Will he take her for overnights when she’s older, along with his two?

Ponoka7 · 27/05/2026 07:45

UniversityofWarwick · 27/05/2026 07:28

Will BIL be co-parenting the child? Will he take her for overnights when she’s older, along with his two?

If you read the first thread, they have all played an active part in the first son's life. That's is the plan with this baby.
@milkshakess it's a positive that your SIL is taking the baby. She may be inclined to put more boundaries in place than MIL has and SS are now stricter on no-show parents, just thinking they can have access when it suits.
@fellupthestairs
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5527052-oh-wants-custody-of-baby-niece

OH wants custody of baby niece? | Mumsnet

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care. She already has an 18 year olds on who has...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5527052-oh-wants-custody-of-baby-niece

Foraor · 27/05/2026 07:47

@Globules makes an important point you should raise with her, OP.

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 07:48

Globules · 27/05/2026 06:50

Thank you for the update. That's one amazing ex.

Can I suggest that you tell the ex to look into long term fostering over adoption? If she can tolerate the ongoing social worker involvement, the baby will get ongoing financial support from the LA and access to opportunities that others don't.

One child I know who was long term fostered got a funded place at a private school for secondary, as it excelled at its sports offer (which was her bag). She had her university fees and a living grant funded for both UG and PG. She was gifted an amount for a house deposit by the LA. Plus "looked after child" opened many doors for more minor things.

Parents (they never saw themselves as carers as they had her from birth) had access to queue jump camhs when the girl needed it in her teenage years. Social workers who would arrange and pay for counselling when parents were going through a rough patch. Everything was given to support them to keep supporting the child.

Contrast this with friends who adopted a newborn and 18 month old. They had to fight for everything for their struggling teens, didn't always get it, and are saving hard for a house deposit for each of them. The young adults are still needing mum and dad to be heavily involved to support them in life.

Same LA.

Edited

It's very unlikely that an LA will agree to long term fostering for a baby who could be adopted. The plan will be adoption if not with the BIL's ex then with another family already assessed to adopt and just waiting for the right match.

If the initial meeting with the BIL's ex goes well with the social worker, a full adoption assessment will still will need to be completed.

lessglittermoremud · 27/05/2026 07:48

I remember your previous thread and this sounds like a great outcome, your BIL ex sounds lovely.
Social services were never going to let the baby be passed around like a parcel, hopefully your SIL can still access the help she needs for her mental health and realises that baby’s are just as hard work years down the line as the first time, it was a little odd that she’s had hardly any input in her son but thought that she’d be better at it second time around.

Foraor · 27/05/2026 07:53

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 07:48

It's very unlikely that an LA will agree to long term fostering for a baby who could be adopted. The plan will be adoption if not with the BIL's ex then with another family already assessed to adopt and just waiting for the right match.

If the initial meeting with the BIL's ex goes well with the social worker, a full adoption assessment will still will need to be completed.

Show quote history

They will want her to stay within the family if possible. Adoption by an unrelated person will only be considered after the family is ruled out.

The only issue for me is whether SS will consider the baby’s uncle’s ex a close enough connection for it to count as staying within the family.

Aiming4Optimistic · 27/05/2026 07:59

I'd much rather adopt (even if it's not the financially advantageous choice) than have SS potentially interfere and with the bio mum still having some access. Adoption gives the person actually raising the child, the right to make decisions based on what's best for the child and whole family, without others being able to stick their oar in!

Plus, it's better psychologically for a child to be wholly belonging to their new parents and siblings, rather than the halfway house that is fostering.

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 08:11

Foraor · 27/05/2026 07:53

They will want her to stay within the family if possible. Adoption by an unrelated person will only be considered after the family is ruled out.

The only issue for me is whether SS will consider the baby’s uncle’s ex a close enough connection for it to count as staying within the family.

Show quote history

Agree that family is the first choice however then the LA will support a Special Guardianship Order over long term fostering as they won't want to be involved long term.

Foraor · 27/05/2026 08:15

Aiming4Optimistic · 27/05/2026 07:59

I'd much rather adopt (even if it's not the financially advantageous choice) than have SS potentially interfere and with the bio mum still having some access. Adoption gives the person actually raising the child, the right to make decisions based on what's best for the child and whole family, without others being able to stick their oar in!

Plus, it's better psychologically for a child to be wholly belonging to their new parents and siblings, rather than the halfway house that is fostering.

Edited

But either this woman will be approved as a kinship carer/SGO situation precisely for the reason that it keeps the baby within the family and in contact with a mother who wants contact but can’t raise the child herself, or she’ll have to go through the same usual, lengthy, intrusive system of adoption approval as any prospective adopter.

Foraor · 27/05/2026 08:16

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 08:11

Agree that family is the first choice however then the LA will support a Special Guardianship Order over long term fostering as they won't want to be involved long term.

Show quote history

Agreed. The prospective carer should try to negotiate for as much support as possible first, though.