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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH wants custody of niece update

46 replies

milkshakess · 26/05/2026 18:06

Hi
So following on from my other thread ( I really want expecting to get over 1000 replies - thank you to everyone who replied).

MIL decided after a few weeks that she wouldn't be able to cope with the baby.

One of BIL's ex (mother of two is his kids) has now offered to take her in and has a meeting with social services tomorrow.

It is very likely she will be granted full custody, she is teacher and has 2 kids of her own and is very good with kids.

She is in her early 30s and was happy with 2 (dosent want more kids) and is more than happy to adopt her as her own.

SIL also decided that she isn't cut out to be a mum but will still see the baby.

OP posts:
Globules · 27/05/2026 08:43

Foraor · 27/05/2026 08:16

Agreed. The prospective carer should try to negotiate for as much support as possible first, though.

Show quote history

Exactly. And she won't get anything if she immediately says she'll adopt. A lot of people don't know that other options are available besides adoption.

The parents who did the long term adoption were extremely savvy and played hard ball all through on their daughter's behalf and stuck to their guns on many occasions.

Their girl didn't have a clue about any of it.

MayaLui · 27/05/2026 09:12

Globules · 27/05/2026 06:50

Thank you for the update. That's one amazing ex.

Can I suggest that you tell the ex to look into long term fostering over adoption? If she can tolerate the ongoing social worker involvement, the baby will get ongoing financial support from the LA and access to opportunities that others don't.

One child I know who was long term fostered got a funded place at a private school for secondary, as it excelled at its sports offer (which was her bag). She had her university fees and a living grant funded for both UG and PG. She was gifted an amount for a house deposit by the LA. Plus "looked after child" opened many doors for more minor things.

Parents (they never saw themselves as carers as they had her from birth) had access to queue jump camhs when the girl needed it in her teenage years. Social workers who would arrange and pay for counselling when parents were going through a rough patch. Everything was given to support them to keep supporting the child.

Contrast this with friends who adopted a newborn and 18 month old. They had to fight for everything for their struggling teens, didn't always get it, and are saving hard for a house deposit for each of them. The young adults are still needing mum and dad to be heavily involved to support them in life.

Same LA.

Edited

There's no chance the LA will agree to long term fostering for a child who could be adopted. They will choose stranger adoption over long term fostering within the family. SGO may be considered.

I find your description of the care system extraordinary. I don't know where or when this case took place but this is far from my experience of children currently in the care system. Where I work they absolutely do not fund private school (unless for SEND reasons), they do not pay anything to young people at university (they are expected to survive on full loans + any benefits entitled to) and they certainly do not get a house deposit. They receive a grant of £3000 when leaving care but that is in lieu of the financial support most young people get from their parents - and that's it.

I've never heard anyone describe the care system as some kind of luxury setting. Outcomes for care leavers (particularly homelessness) should tell you everything you need to know about how desirable it is to grow up in foster care.

Jane143 · 27/05/2026 09:17

That’s fantastic news, really pleased she will stay in the family

Globules · 27/05/2026 09:29

I've never heard anyone describe the care system as some kind of luxury setting. Outcomes for care leavers (particularly homelessness) should tell you everything you need to know about how desirable it is to grow up in foster care.

I've not called it a luxury setting @MayaLui

I've identified that the LA were so keen to NOT have the outcomes you allude to for that child in care, they were pushed to provide what they did by her parents.

The young lady in question is now a mid 20s PE teacher with her life on a good track for the future. Every child in care deserves a chance like she was given.

vichill · 27/05/2026 09:35

Oh that’s just beautiful! I love women.

Original poster
milkshakess · 27/05/2026 10:05

OH is very happy with the outcome, he said he was having seconds anyway as he wanted to concentrate on our own children and didn't think it would be fair on the baby when it is already hard work juggling two toddlers.

BIL will also be helping to raise her as he has helped raise the 1st child.

Nobody is really happy with SIL as she is still asking for money and dosent seem to be bothered.

OP posts:
GrantMyWishes · 27/05/2026 10:20

I do hope that your SIL will be having her tubes tied now, as to have produced not just one, but TWO children that she hasn't wanted, is downright irresponsible. I'm not surprised the family aren't happy with her.

Glad to hear that your DH was having second thoughts, as it seemed pretty clear in your original post that you weren't in favour of the idea, and without you both being firmly on the same page about it, I think it likely that it would have ruined your marriage.

PinkEasterbunny · 27/05/2026 10:26

Great news OP - thank you for the update, and good luck with Baby No 3, whenever he or she arrives!

ToyStory75 · 27/05/2026 10:39

What an incredible woman that is.

Nofeckingway · 27/05/2026 10:50

There is a blood link too which SS might have considered . The ex's child and the baby are half siblings or is the older child not his ? Either way it is a good outcome for the baby to go to someone who has said that they actively want to be involved. She does not have to so I believe her intentions are absolutely the best for this baby .

JudgeJ · 27/05/2026 10:56

SIL also decided that she isn't cut out to be a mum but will still see the baby.

If the baby has to be adopted then she doesn't get to set the rules, as the child grows up it could be very confusing to have her lurking in the background.

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 11:03

Globules · 27/05/2026 09:29

I've never heard anyone describe the care system as some kind of luxury setting. Outcomes for care leavers (particularly homelessness) should tell you everything you need to know about how desirable it is to grow up in foster care.

I've not called it a luxury setting @MayaLui

I've identified that the LA were so keen to NOT have the outcomes you allude to for that child in care, they were pushed to provide what they did by her parents.

The young lady in question is now a mid 20s PE teacher with her life on a good track for the future. Every child in care deserves a chance like she was given.

I agree with @MayaLui. LAs have become more and more stringent on the amount of support provided and in 30 years working in SS I have never come across LAs funding house deposit or private schools.

@Globules there is no such thing as 'long term adoption' and you don't know the specific circumstances of the family you describe.

In OPs case, it sounds like adoption is the best option and the post adoption team will provide support to the family if needed.

Overall it's better to not have SS involved unless absolutely needed.

Foraor · 27/05/2026 11:17

JudgeJ · 27/05/2026 10:56

SIL also decided that she isn't cut out to be a mum but will still see the baby.

If the baby has to be adopted then she doesn't get to set the rules, as the child grows up it could be very confusing to have her lurking in the background.

Yes, even with open adoptions, where direct contact with birth parents and/or siblings is actively encouraged, the birth parent doesn't get to set the rules about the extent and kind of their contact with their birth child. It will be stipulated by the family court, and can be altered by returning to the family court if the adopting parents feel that it's not in the best interests of the child. (Which might well be the case here, if the OP's SIL has poor MH and a track record of letting someone else raise her child and occasionally drifting in and out, which could be very confusing, not just for the child, but for the OP's BIL's ex's birth children).

And I think people are overlooking the fact that if the OP's BIL's ex wants to actually adopt the OP's niece (rather than care for her via a SGO/kinship carer situation), she will have to go through exactly the same channels of being approved for adoption as anyone else -- lengthy, (necessarily) intrusive, lots of training and in-depth prep and assessments etc.

REP22 · 27/05/2026 11:31

That's an encouraging update, thank you @milkshakess - what a lovely person BIL's ex is - hopefully you can all support her as much as you are able with some get-togethers now and again. But as @JudgeJ says, on her terms, not SIL's.

Best wishes to you. x

PinkEasterbunny · 27/05/2026 11:46

JudgeJ · 27/05/2026 10:56

SIL also decided that she isn't cut out to be a mum but will still see the baby.

If the baby has to be adopted then she doesn't get to set the rules, as the child grows up it could be very confusing to have her lurking in the background.

That's a very good point

Pearlstillsinging · 27/05/2026 11:57

Globules · 27/05/2026 06:50

Thank you for the update. That's one amazing ex.

Can I suggest that you tell the ex to look into long term fostering over adoption? If she can tolerate the ongoing social worker involvement, the baby will get ongoing financial support from the LA and access to opportunities that others don't.

One child I know who was long term fostered got a funded place at a private school for secondary, as it excelled at its sports offer (which was her bag). She had her university fees and a living grant funded for both UG and PG. She was gifted an amount for a house deposit by the LA. Plus "looked after child" opened many doors for more minor things.

Parents (they never saw themselves as carers as they had her from birth) had access to queue jump camhs when the girl needed it in her teenage years. Social workers who would arrange and pay for counselling when parents were going through a rough patch. Everything was given to support them to keep supporting the child.

Contrast this with friends who adopted a newborn and 18 month old. They had to fight for everything for their struggling teens, didn't always get it, and are saving hard for a house deposit for each of them. The young adults are still needing mum and dad to be heavily involved to support them in life.

Same LA.

Edited

Absolutely this, although "kinship carers" don't get the same financial support for themselves as fosterer but there certainly is more support for the children , including into adulthood.

rainbowstardrops · 27/05/2026 12:04

Could someone link to the initial thread please?

Seriestwo · 27/05/2026 12:26

a tale of two women. One generous and capable, and the other who needs to be forcibly sterilised. I’d never have thought I’d believe that until I became a mother, and learned that some of us just shouldn’t be. Those poor kids.

what a good outcome, from a very sad situation. I’m glad you’ll get to enjoy your niece and she can grow up with her cousins.

Globules · 27/05/2026 13:29

I agree there's no such thing as long term adoption @Busybeemumm

It was a typo that happened on the run and I spotted too late to edit. Apologies.

Anyway, @milkshakess knows to suggest the ex looks into other long term options rather just immediately jump to adoption. Let's not distract the main thrust of the thread which is OPs update and a massive applause to the ex.

BunnyMcDougall · 27/05/2026 17:21

I’m pleased that the outcome is positive. I really do hope that she takes any actions required to not bring any more unwanted children into this world.

Busybeemumm · 27/05/2026 18:35

Globules · 27/05/2026 13:29

I agree there's no such thing as long term adoption @Busybeemumm

It was a typo that happened on the run and I spotted too late to edit. Apologies.

Anyway, @milkshakess knows to suggest the ex looks into other long term options rather just immediately jump to adoption. Let's not distract the main thrust of the thread which is OPs update and a massive applause to the ex.

Completely agree that it's wonderful that the baby will grow up with her family around whatever that looks like-be that Adoption, SGO or kinship care. That's the main thing.

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