AIBU not to sit and help my son study for his Alevels?

[Etoile41]

I have asked him if he needs me to help him quite a few times. He always says no and that he is ok. He just gets on with it himself. Well usually after quite a bit of prompting, but doesnt ask for any help from either his Dad or I.

He is a bright boy and did relatively well at GCSEs.

At the beginning of his A level course he did say he was finding one of his subjects much harder than he thought he would. I asked if he would find private lessons useful. He said he would, so I arranged 1 to 1 lessons once a week and he still goes to these.

I also heard about private lessons for another of his subjects and asked if he wanted me to arrange lessons for that subject too. He did, so I have arranged for him to attend when they start in September.

On the rare occasion, he asks me to test him on some content, but this is very infrequent.

The issue is that a friend, sits down and studies with her daughter and I'm left wondering whether I should be doing a lot more with my son personally. I suppose I'm very sensitive to this as I do have a very demanding job and he sees that I am very stressed and time poor. So I wonder whether he does not ask me because of this.

Do parents really sit down and spend hours a day studying with thier children? I think it is great if you can, but I really wouldn't be able to do that and I am left wondering if I'm just a really shit parent.

It sounds like you have made sure he feels he is managing and have put plenty of support in place if he requires it. As long as neither you nor school have any specific worries at this point then it is preferable that he just gets on with it. He managed his GCSE’s? Did you have to sit with him for that? If not then I would assume he’s ok.
My Dd is doing GCSE. We are sitting with her and supporting her studies quite a lot BUT there are very specific reasons for why that has been necessary. It would not have been our first choice!

A 17 or 18 year old is perfectly capable of studying by themselves.
Otherwise, what happens when they go to university? Mummy goes with them?!

Sounds like your son is doing well and is happy with his progress, which is the most important thing.

I have a friend who is a bit like your friend - about studying but also general organisation/management, always up at school, meeting the head of 6th form etc - and while I know logically that I think that is overkill and not especially helpful in the long-term it does make me second guess myself.

I work in book publishing, and my input with my kids, and all my nieces/nephews/kids' close friends, is proofreading their NEAs, extended essays, dissertations etc. I very rarely know enough about the subject to be able to help with the content even if that were appropriate, so I just offer an extra pair of eyes and occasionally a bit of help with getting under the word count. I also do chatting in French before speaking exams if they want, as I can do that. And I'll test people on anything if asked, but that's it in terms of actual input.

What I am doing at the moment is trying to help my son (Y12) build better study habits. So I'm sitting down with him to plan his week's work and then we are working together at the kitchen table. We put our phones in a timed lockbox and both get on with our work. (I'm doing my own work though!) I'm not sure if that is a bit micro-manage-y or not - I'm hoping if he builds the habit and sees the progress he can make when he's not jumping on his phone every few minutes, he'll start to do it independently. We'll see...

No because it's like teaching your child to drive. You think you know it but there's a whole extra level of knowledge that you don't know unless you're an expert in that area.

If there were an issues the tutors would raise them

I’d outqualified my parents by GCSE (where I got all A and Astars). They certainly didn’t help me at A Level where I got 4As and a B (in the world before Astar at A Level). So I think it would be weird to have another adult helping me study for anything.

Someone capable of A-Level study doesn't need their mummy sitting with them all the time! What will she do at uni - Facetime mummy to sit with her as she studies? Ffs.

Didn't do this at A level , no! I couldn't have feasibly helped really.

@Etoile41 it depends on the child. Some find A Levels really hard as it involves lots of independent study, and they massively benefit from parental support.

Support can be anything from sitting down with them to test them, or just helping them organise their time, or printing some past papers.

Never.

You're doing a great job. They're his A Levels. Your friend is creating an unhealthy dependency i think.

No you are not. My DS18 is upstairs now revising. He has a maths tutor - that is all I do/pay for.

Is his friend’s mum going to help him with his uni work?!!!

I think if your child asks you for help, then it’s reasonable to do what you can depending on time available, your level of education etc. But if your child hasn’t asked for help, then I actually don’t think it’s helpful for a young person long term having their hand held in terms of their studying etc. Extra tuition or revision help, then yes. And I get that passing exams is important. But they won’t have the extra help, from mum or anyone else when they go to uni, or in the world of work, so it’s really important they are given the skills to apply themselves, rather than be used to having their hand held.

I actually taught one of my own children for A level History.

They did not want any help whatsoever outside of lessons, despite my offering. I could not have helped in any way with their other subjects.

Sorry but why would you sit and study with your child? It’s their work and they have to do it. You won’t be sitting next to him in the exams and if he goes to uni you won’t be sitting with him then.

Thank you all for your comments

Helped DD with one GCSE as she had no interest in it and I have a degree in it. Scrapped her a 6.

With A levels I sometimes help by reading essays and giving feedback and helping her revise case studies and flash cards. She pretty self motivated though.

I think it depends on the child. My eldest is very able academically and self motivated. She needs hardly any input from me. I never know what homework she has or what will be in her exams etc. If I’d just had her, I would most likely be congratulating myself on raising such an independent learner.

But I also have another child who needs massive input from me just to keep his head above water (he has slow processing). And now I get it. The more invested I am, the better he does.

I’d say unless there’s some extra need (and only then if it’s pretty extreme) it’s actually pretty poor parenting if your A level student can’t study without you. GCSEs perhaps it’s a nice thing to offer but by A levels you should have given them the tools to study and they should be cracking on independently by then.

I left Dd to it, made sure she got plenty of breaks and downtime, her friends parents practically stood over her, no breaks, not allowed out with friends, results were no better, in fact Dd did slightly better in regard to grades. Both now have good careers, different people learn different ways, seems like you are giving him what he needs

I do with DC2 who is currently doing her GCSEs. She has ADHD and can't do it on her own.

Sixth form teacher here. I wish everyone was as invested as you. Even I don't sit and study with my own, though, do not worry about that. Thats not necessarily preparing them well for uni. You are doing great. Providing tuition, showing an interest and that you care about the outcome.

Most people would love to not have to help. Just enjoy it and leave this for something you need to worry about.