AIBU not to sit and help my son study for his Alevels?

[Etoile41]

I have asked him if he needs me to help him quite a few times. He always says no and that he is ok. He just gets on with it himself. Well usually after quite a bit of prompting, but doesnt ask for any help from either his Dad or I.

He is a bright boy and did relatively well at GCSEs.

At the beginning of his A level course he did say he was finding one of his subjects much harder than he thought he would. I asked if he would find private lessons useful. He said he would, so I arranged 1 to 1 lessons once a week and he still goes to these.

I also heard about private lessons for another of his subjects and asked if he wanted me to arrange lessons for that subject too. He did, so I have arranged for him to attend when they start in September.

On the rare occasion, he asks me to test him on some content, but this is very infrequent.

The issue is that a friend, sits down and studies with her daughter and I'm left wondering whether I should be doing a lot more with my son personally. I suppose I'm very sensitive to this as I do have a very demanding job and he sees that I am very stressed and time poor. So I wonder whether he does not ask me because of this.

Do parents really sit down and spend hours a day studying with thier children? I think it is great if you can, but I really wouldn't be able to do that and I am left wondering if I'm just a really shit parent.

Unless her child is really struggling, I do think it's overkill to be learning his A Level subject from scratch, so that she can teach him. I'd expect a teacher parent to assist with study techniques, more than actual teaching (unless it was their subject, in which case it's hard not to).

I sat with my son for every minute of his GCSE revision. Because it was that or he'd fail. It was a tough gig. And he got 4s in everything and we celebrated so hard.
So my view is if people are sitting with them it's because they really need to. The only other person I know who did this was in a similar position.
What you're doing is fine - more than a lot do.

I home educated DS through his GCSEs so yes I was very involved at that stage. When he was at college and doing assignments, I used to help by body doubling (where you sit in the same room to help them focus even though you are doing something else) and with stuff like planning. I worked full time. If your son doesn't want your help and is managing well without it (or with extra tution) that's fine. If he did want your help and you didn't have time, that would be a bit shit. Now DS is at uni, all I can do is talk through if he wants to and show an interest. When he has a deadline, I send him encouragement by Snapchat! He still tells me all about what he is studying, what he has left to do ect but I think he does that more than most because of being home ed.

GCSE mocks and A Level revision here. I've done them both a revision timetable and offered to test them from flashcards and that's it. I do worry it's not enough and the eldest especially isn't revising effectively ( he's doing the hours) but it's too late now. All ill do is stress him out.

It goes without saying that I will let my friend do what she feels is best for her child. I think she is a great person and mother. She always puts others before herself and bends over backwards to help her children and others. I have nothing but admiration for her.
The reason I posted I suppose, is because it is making me feel inadequate and I just wanted to gauge what was the norm. I know I am doing the best that I can, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that it is not enough

Parents that study with their teen kids for standardised exams are either teachers or can’t afford tutors.

Absolutely no way. I’d be completely useless at helping her anyway. She wouldn’t want help from either of us. She does have an hour a week online tuition for her ‘hardest’ subject.

Each to their own I think
My son likes me to test him, and sometimes he just likes to talk about a topic he is learning. Or we go and visit places relevant to his studies.

Sometimes he likes company so I will sit and read /work while he studies.

He's entirely self driven though, but he's found a style that works for him and part of that is me testing him/him talking things through with me. I don't see that as any different from the group learning style some people have.

The last time I helped my DCs study was when they were in primary school. They never wanted support after that. At GCSE, neither of them did enough study. I would have liked them to do more but also wanted their motivation to be intrinsic so I didn’t go down the road of offering rewards or money for good results etc. I let them manage it themselves. (Both passed all their exams. More through natural ability and luck than studying hard, I have to say).

If I’d had a child with learning needs or who actually asked for help then yes, I would have helped.

I spent 20 hours over 3 days with dd before her last major calculus exam (different country and different system, but same kind of big cumulative test). Sometimes she needs tutoring, sometimes she just needs body doubling and I can do my own work. She has ASD and having me there helps her focus.

I do this all the time. Our family has arranged our lives around me being available to support her in whatever way she needs.

They need to learn to organise themselves and work independently, no?

Times really change - my own parents would have had no clue even about my choice of subjects if asked (early 90s).

Or have children who like an active /sociable learning style

We can afford tutors and do pay for them in some subjects but clearly plenty of independent study is needed to. If they like being actively tested /discussing what they are learning then I don't see what's wrong with working with a parent. It's also totally fine to study independently

I actually preferred studying on my own so it's surprising to end up with children who like to involve me when they study.

We studied together because she found it helped her remember stuff better and I enjoyed learning about new things too, wasn’t detrimental at all as did amazing at A levels and got a First at uni.

My parents never took any interest in my school work so I had to manage on my own. My grandmother would test me in English and History if I asked her. I used to work with a friend and we would test one another in French and Spanish.

Tutoring is a profession (I tutor postgraduates) and you are doing the best for your son by arranging for him to have one to one sessions with an expert in his weaker subjects. They know the sylabus he is studying and are well qualified to identify the areas where he needs help. I would stick to showing an interest (as you have) and offering to test him.

If you are really doing all you can, then even if your child wants more help, you can’t actually do it, so you just have to make peace with that. Your friend obviously has more time so your situations are different so there is no point comparing and feeling bad.

I

I have sons 3 and 4 doing A levels and GCSEs currently - I didn't sit with their siblings, just made sure that they had what they needed - whether paper/graph paper/access to past papers/printer ink in the printer etc. I am slightly worried by the lack of revision going on with number 4 child, but he's been given all of the resources that he has asked for (and the teachers have advised on) and so I feel it is up to him now. I have offered to test vocab/run through flash cards etc, but none of them have wanted my input - and actually, unless you have a ND child or one who may need some extra support and confidence, personally I think they need to learn how to work hard and profit (or not!) from their own efforts, not those of their parents. And in any case, they seem to know exactly what they need to write or learn because they have the mark schemes and seem to be drilled ad nauseam on 5 markers, 12 markers, 20 markers or whatever - I'm not sure my experience of public exams from 30+ years ago would be of any use whatsoever!!

I sat with my son for every minute of his GCSE revision

I did too - combination of very poor school in turmoil - notes taken in and lost sub teachers everywhere - and him not really having a clue how to revise. He did really well in the end.

A-levels he occiaonally asked Dh for help - he has degrees in area and work related - and he listened to me saying I found it easier to work in libraries than in own room - and he spent a lot of time in college library working. I did print off past paers and got all the books. He seems to have coped at uni.

DD1 been diagnosed with ADHD and sometime likes to body double via whats app - basically someone to sit there and work alongside.

DD2 just gets check in with - she needed less help with GCSE - so can depend on the child and what they need.

You've arranged tutors so you are providing support.

No. We help our youngest with A levels because she wants help. I’m not a teacher but we do pay for tuition.

Paying for extra tuition and getting study guides/past papers for your child is a great way to support them. Quizzing them on stuff they have just finished revising could also be good if you are able.

I never sat down and did A Level studying with mine. I doubt they would have wanted my nose in what they were doing anyway. It was their work to do, not mine so I happily kept my beak out of it.

Yes, me too. And I actually feel a little bit sorry for those unmotivated kids because I imagine that hitting the real world will knock them for six.

I supported my daughter by buying her study guides and giving her a suitable place and time to study. I never checked up on her because it frustrated and derailed her (I remember the same from doing my A Levels!)

I was always there if she wanted to discuss or go through something.

She is now completing the second year of her degree at the top university for her course in the country.

I took the attitude with both of mine that, if they were capable of doing A Levels, they were capable of managing the workload and organising their study themselves by that point. And, more than that, they'd have to because, if they went to university (they both did) I wouldn't be there to hold their hands through that either (I wasn't).

I'm in the parents fb group for my daughters University and, tbh, some of the fretting by parents and over involvement in their adult children's lives and studies is both concerning and entertaining in equal measure. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is back off and let them work it out for themselves.

If they only get into university because mummy sat and studied with them, mummy filled in the UCAS form and mummy sorted out accommodation and student finance, I'd question whether they were really capable of or interested in doing a degree at that stage of their lives.

Fair enough to help your child but sitting down to study with her day after day looks like overkill.

My DDs, now adult, used to come in, doss around a bit, eat tea then go and do homework.
If they asked for advice I gave it. Otherwise they just got on with it.

I don't know how to answer the AIBU.

I don't think you're unreasonable to let your son do his own thing.

I think you're unreasonable to believe your friend is doing her child a favour by being so involved in studying.

I sense you're fretting over the A levels, and I think you need to step back. Anxiety can be contagious, both among friends and within families.

Your son came to you before to say he was struggling, and was perfectly willing to engage with the third party help you found for him, twice. There is no need for you to get involved.

Make sure he has responsibilities around the home while he approaches his exams. He needs to be doing his own laundry, cooking a meal once a week and cleaning up afterwards. He needs to be keeping his room clean and tidy. Chores will keep him grounded, disciplined, and engaged with family life.

Someone told me that they had 'only' reworded their young relative's dissertation for them and that another relative's mother had 'just' helped them to cut their dissertation down to the right length and to remove the emotion from what was supposed to be factual.

I'm wondering who will do it for them once they're working.