AIBU not to sit and help my son study for his Alevels?

[Etoile41]

I have asked him if he needs me to help him quite a few times. He always says no and that he is ok. He just gets on with it himself. Well usually after quite a bit of prompting, but doesnt ask for any help from either his Dad or I.

He is a bright boy and did relatively well at GCSEs.

At the beginning of his A level course he did say he was finding one of his subjects much harder than he thought he would. I asked if he would find private lessons useful. He said he would, so I arranged 1 to 1 lessons once a week and he still goes to these.

I also heard about private lessons for another of his subjects and asked if he wanted me to arrange lessons for that subject too. He did, so I have arranged for him to attend when they start in September.

On the rare occasion, he asks me to test him on some content, but this is very infrequent.

The issue is that a friend, sits down and studies with her daughter and I'm left wondering whether I should be doing a lot more with my son personally. I suppose I'm very sensitive to this as I do have a very demanding job and he sees that I am very stressed and time poor. So I wonder whether he does not ask me because of this.

Do parents really sit down and spend hours a day studying with thier children? I think it is great if you can, but I really wouldn't be able to do that and I am left wondering if I'm just a really shit parent.

DS never, ever wanted me involved with his studies. I told him I would be there if he did ever want my help.
DD, totally the opposite, we sat for hours discussing one of her subjects.

You have been very supportive imo. I doubt sitting down and studying with your child is the norm. With my dcs I bought any books they needed, printed off past papers and was happy to test them when required.

Depends on the child I'd say
Mine are a bit younger but would absolutely hate me sitting with them to revise
They both do stuff in their own time and then will talk to me about what they've covered and/or ask me to quiz them on it

Will this other parent be going to university with her daighter too? Sitting in lectures? Doing her work with her? Prompting her?

Thought not.

Conversations about it are one thing. Being able to discuss a subject consolidates understanding and identifies less secure knowledge. That's a valuable way of learning if your child wants to do it but actually sitting with them and doing their A Levels with them? No.

Currently GCSEs and A levels going on in our house. We don’t get involved but the girls know we’re there to help if they need it. Will occasionally be asked to test them on flash cards etc but mostly they get on and study independently.

Look, just do what suits your child and don’t compare with what suits someone else’s child.

Heavens above! Parents shouldn't be spending hours studying with their DC. How ever will the DC cope once they leave home? What parents should be doing is checking in regularly to check homework is being done, making sure DC are fed, and, within reason, helping when asked.

Are you particularly knowledgeable in the subject? Other mum sounds like a helicopter parent that is stopping their child doing any worthwhile studying

Not sat down and studied with DS once in the run up to A-levels. I support him in other ways that are beneficial such as lifestyle choices, a sounding board after a bad day etc. He has his own study plan and timetable that college helped all students to prepare. The collage also have been excellent at providing study tools and methods for all students, depending on how they learn.

I was more involved with GCSEs as school weren't as helpful.

If DS is really struggling with sonething, we will sit down together and try and make headway (for the similar A'levels to my degree anyway). But the rest is up to him.

I haven’t sat down with my DD to do school work since primary. She is doing her A levels now and is more than capable of studying herself.

That seems very excessive. They might be going to university soon they won't have there parents with them then. I think at that age they should be studying on there own.

DC1 got 4xAstar and occasionally asked for testing of content and occasionally asked for help with maths homework. I also arranged a tutor for a particular part of the maths course - that came about when DC1 told me they found that particular topic tricky and thought it might scupper their chances of an Astar.

I think your friend is probably doing too much unless there is some back story that we don’t know eg dyslexia or they are aiming to get onto a university course such as veterinary medicine that has super high entry requirements and they are off the mark. In general I don’t believe in supevising children and especially not young adults that much because they need to learn independence. Assisting them that much is generally not doing them any favours in the long run, on the path to becoming a fully-functional adult.

And do you know about your DC’s subjects to do any more than you’re doing anyway? I could help with a few aspects of A-Level maths but had no idea on Chemistry and Biology and only a few VERY dim memories of A-Level Physics. The only reason I could still do some of the maths was because I used it in my career.

I did one of the same Alevels, nearly 30 years ago. Degree and professional qualification in something completely different.

The other mum is sitting down with her child and you are paying for extra tuition - these are different ways to achieve the same result.

I think it's natural to use your own knowledge to help with GCSE/A level. I had the relevant degree and a PGCE, so I taught my dc quite a bit at home. I would have felt negligent if I'd left them to it (unless they were flying through it and not in need of support). So maybe the other mum is using her degree knowledge instead of buying in that support.
I wouldn't feel bad about not bro g the one to physically sit down with him - you've facilitated him getting the help and if he truly needed you specifically, you would do what you could to help.
Thats good enough!
And it's true that you won't be there for every step of your child's professional development, so they have to learn self sufficiency too.

The tutor you have got will be far more knowledgeable on the subject as it is taught now - you have absolutely done the right thing.

I have an elder child too and never sat with them to do any studying.
Always say that they can come to me if they need anything and I will do my best to help them. Bought them all the study guides and practice materila for all their subjects. Talked about different study techniques and what worked for me and what may work for them. Eldest liked to make notes and use flash cards, son doesn't use cards but likes to use a white board that he asked for when I asked if he needed anything to help him study.

TBH I don't think my friend is helping her daughter long-term, as she can't be doing that for all stages of life but can't help but question whether I'm not hitting the mark

I have a family member who seems very involved in DN’s schoolwork, coursework and revision for A levels. Seems very odd to me. My job is to ensure there’s enough snacks, make sure enough sleep is prioritised, and ease up on the requirement to do chores!

No way, my older kids took maths, further maths and sciences. They're on their own. If they wanted to pick a bunch of humanities I might have been able to chip in. Other that springing for uplearn for the least favourite subjects, I am not much use. They did/ are doing great on their own.

Hell no! I tried with DD but 1) English is not my first language, 2) I am quite uneducated which means every time she gave me an answer that wasn't exactly on the flash car, I would interrupt 🫣 (politics is very wordy ).
Every time DS is revising, I always ask and every time he says no I sigh in relief because honestly math is worse than politics imo.
So just let your son do his thing, he clearly feels comfortable telling you when he is struggling and if he needs help he will ask.

TBF, the other mum is a teacher. However, she teaches completely different subjects, so is having to learn the content too. Her daughter also gets private lessons for 1 subject.

Mum helped me with MFL and Latin vocab lists and that was a big help. Other than that, I doubt that there's much that most parents could do.

There was a poster on here a couple of years ago who actually did their teens A Level coursework for them because he/she CBA and would not engage or take it seriously. I occasionally wonder what happened to that kid when they got uni or the workplace and mum wasn't around to do not for them.

Let your friend do what is best for her and her child and you do the same.

We helped with GCSE revision for both kids. Oldest didn’t want help with A levels but our youngest is doing them now and likes help with revision.

It’s dependant on the child and what you have time for. We have time to do it so when our kids have wanted it, we help, when they haven’t, we have backed off.

Either Mum or a tutor probably did it.

I'm dismayed at the amount of input that I've heard of some people giving their student offspring.